can’t believe we’ve lived in this flat for a year and never shagged,’ said Big Bastard thoughtfully.
Ellie’s mouth dropped open.
‘That’s because I’ve seen what you let go down the shower plughole,’ she said, furious that she had been expecting even an ounce of sympathy from this lout.
‘D’ya want to?’ he said, sitting down next to her and draping an enormous meaty arm over her shoulders.
‘Of course not!’ She shook him off. ‘And anyway, what about Carmel?’
‘Yes, she’s a bit skinny, but. Not like you.’
‘Oh I see. Excuse me while I go and scrub the toilet bowl with your toothbrush, you big moron.’
‘You’ll be back,’ he sneered. ‘Won’t be able to resist a bit of big beef loving.’
‘Why don’t we see how many things I’d rather do than that?’ yelled Ellie, heading for the bathroom.
‘Number one: cutting off my own fingers.
‘Number two: pooing my pants on the tube.
‘Number three: watching my dad have sex. With your dad.’
She took his toothbrush and ran it round the toilet rim.
‘Number four: moving to Afghanistan.
‘Number five: going camping with Anne Widdecombe.’
She dropped the toothbrush in the lavatory, and fished it out distastefully.
‘Number six: smuggling heroin through Thailand …’
‘You’ll be back,’ yelled Big Bastard. ‘You’re desperate for it.’
‘… up my chuff. Number seven: eating an old man’s dandruff.’
‘You love me really.’
‘Number eight: retaking my maths A-level.
‘Number nine: being sick and eating it.’
‘Oh, I’ve done that. It’s not too bad.’
‘Number ten: being eaten by a SHARK.’
‘Goodnight Hedgehog.’
‘Goodnight Big Bastard.’ She set his toothbrush back in the stand. ‘And hello amoebic dysentery,’ she whispered to herself. ‘And don’t think I’m going to be here to look after you, because I am going to be far, far away.’
The computers were down again at Julia’s office. It was Friday, so she certainly deserved to be kicking back, she thought, kicking back.
‘Aren’t you even thinking about it?’ she said to Arthur, toying with her phone card.
‘God yeah,’ said Arthur. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to San Francisco. I don’t feel my cowboy hat has had quite the adventures it deserves.’
‘Yeah, right. And also of course you’re the most boring monogamous man in the world.’
Arthur liked to think of himself as the dashing gay blade around town as opposed to someone who got endless crushes on people and treated them really, really nicely for ages. Especially Colin, who still lived with his parents.
‘I am not!’
‘How long have you been seeing the puppy now?’
‘Six months. But I don’t love him or anything. I’m footloose and fancy free. I’d be very fancy free in San Francisco. If I could afford it. But, you know, I’ve put the deposit on the Eames chair.’
Arthur lived in a minuscule studio filled with beautiful things he saved up for very, very slowly.
‘Yeah, right. Coward. I don’t really want to go. It’s an awful lot of holiday time for one of Ellie’s scheme-stroke-nightmare-o-ramas.’
‘Oh, come on. You’ve never been to LA. You must want to at least see it?’
‘A town entirely devoted to the worship of enormous plastic tits? Not especially. Anyway, it’s the most racist country in the world. Loxy probably wouldn’t make it past immigration.’
Loxy’s family was from Ghana.
‘Come without him. We could have a proper girly holiday.’
‘Hmm,’ said Julia. ‘Yeah, you and Hedgehog tart it about and I hold your coats. No thanks.’
‘How’s the Hedgehog? Still in gloom?’
‘She’s okay. I suggested she go travelling on her own and she said why didn’t I become new best friends with Caroline Snotface Lafayette.’
‘Hmm. Well, Siobhan phoned me again and said she would go if we were going for a proper holiday but under no circumstances was she looking for anyone. Except Patrick of course.’
They both sighed.
‘I wouldn’t mind if it weren’t just such a fucking stupid idea,’ said Julia.
‘I know. George Clooney I could have understood.’
‘Ohp, hang on. I’ve got e-mail. I bet it’s from her.’
She clicked.
‘Yup, it is. Oh, and it’s a circular – you’re on the list too. You’d better look and check it out.’
The line went quiet as they read the mail.
From: e.eversholt@rooney&co.co.uk
To: Julia; Arthur; Siobhan
Re: Official ‘Let’s Go On a Wonderful Trip and Put the Joy
Back Into Our Lives,’ planning meeting to be held at Elms,
11am Sunday morning.
Dear Guys
Think about it: we’re the generation that created Live Aid and now we have to pay Tesco to deliver our marmalade. Get your leave of absence forms today. Can you fucking believe you even have to get a form to have any tiny bit of life whatsoever? One tiny pathetic little month in forty years of grind? Can you believe that someone is actually paid to design those forms? How depressed does that make you about modern life? Remember: everybody wants to rule the world.
ISN’T FUN THE BEST THING TO HAVE?
See you there,
H.xx
For
