can everyone stop talking about how pettily miserable they are all the time and fucking do something about it? Then those of us who truly are miserable can get on with it in peace and quiet.’
Ellie looked up. ‘She’s keying his Suzuki jeep. In stripes.’
‘I still can’t believe it,’ said Julia. Big Bastard snorted loudly.
‘Oh, have you got some useful emotional insight to bring to bear on the situation?’ asked Ellie. Big Bastard turned round and opened his enormous meaty paws.
‘He’s a bloke, right. And this girl comes up to him, right. And she’s twenty-one, right. And she’s a ballerina, right?’
All these things were, tragically, true. Big Bastard shrugged.
‘And?’ said Julia.
Big Bastard looked at Loxy. ‘Well, d’uh.’ Loxy didn’t return the look.
‘We’ll try and bring you back an appropriate present from America,’ said Ellie.
‘Like a big, pink, glazed American ham, to remind you of your face.’
‘Or an American goat, to remind you of how your room smells,’ said Arthur. ‘Duckie.’
‘Actually I’m thinking that I might just rent out your room when you’re gone,’ said Big Bastard to Ellie.
‘Who to? Rentokil?’
‘Oh, guys, can we go to Chicago as well?’ said Julia, lifting up the map of America for a second.
‘What’s in Chicago?’
‘Well, I reckon if the Hedgehog gets to look for Andrew McCarthy I should get a stab at the cast of ER.’
‘Nobody like you. Maybe I’ll rent it out to a gorgeous bird with really massive knockers.’
‘Don’t tell me – who can also do gymnastics?’
‘Maybe. It’s my flat. I could if I wanted to.’
‘Go ahead. Try it. You have my blessing. I only wish I could be there to watch when you’re laughed out of the International Homeless Big Titty Gymnast’s Convention in Munich.’
Ellie spread out a map on the floor.
‘Okay everyone, here are His last known movements,’ she announced.
‘He’s been in a play in New York, a film in Los Angeles and a film in Toronto.’
‘Hang on! No-one ever said anything about Toronto,’ said Arthur, worriedly. ‘November in Toronto – that’s not a holiday, that’s a Ranulph Fiennes expedition. It’s California or nothing.’
‘I don’t think he’s there now. Don’t worry. We’ll have plenty of time to have fun in the sun and hit the red hot Andrew trail!’
‘That red hot fifteen-year-old Andrew trail!’
‘Can we … are we going to go to Vegas?’ asked Loxy suddenly. The others looked at him.
‘Not for any reason! I don’t know why anyone would want to got there! It was just a random city plucked out of the air! I don’t care where we go. Ehm, are we going to … Pasadena?’
‘Make some more tea will you Loxy?’ Julia asked. He did so immediately.
‘I think we should definitely go to Vegas,’ said Ellie. ‘Then maybe as well as getting to meet Andrew McCarthy, Robert Redford might offer me a million pounds to sleep with him. What a holiday this is turning out to be.’
‘I’m really looking forward to this aren’t you?’ tried Loxy as he and Julia walked home through the pounding rain.
‘Uh huh. Well, if it shuts Ellie up for a bit. And Jeez, hot weather in November – I can’t wait.’
Suddenly, Loxy turned to her with a strange expression on his face.
‘Julia … I can’t think of a good way to do this, or to be dashingly romantic or anything but …’
He knelt down in the road. His right knee went straight into a puddle, but he ignored it. It was pouring.
‘I thought that … well, what Ellie’s been saying has really made me think about life, and where we’re all headed and everything, and I wondered if, well, when we got to Vegas … that you’d do me the honour of becoming my …’
‘What?’ said Julia, not paying attention. Then:
‘Oh MY GOD.’ She whirled around. ‘WHAT?! WHAT!!? TELL me you don’t have a ring.’
Loxy rummaged deep into his inside pocket and brought out the small box.
‘I bought this after our third date,’ he said, quietly. ‘I’ve been carrying it around ever since.’
All Julia could do was stare at him, getting increasingly soaked in the gutter as he gazed up at her imploringly.
‘Oh God, Loxy … but this is so soon. I mean, it’s only been …’
‘Two years.’
‘Really? It’s been that long? Christ.’
She walked forward a few steps then turned round looking thoughtful.
‘Don’t you love me?’ said Loxy, his voice quavering.
‘Of course I do. You know I do, sweetheart. It’s just that – God – I mean, getting married … that’s what grown-ups do.’
‘No, I think they let all sorts of people get married … especially in Vegas …’ said Loxy, disappointedly. He looked up at her again with big puppy dog eyes.
‘Loxy,’ she said, unaccountably angry with him. ‘I’m sorry. But I don’t know the answer to the question.’
‘So that means “no”, does it?’ he said, slowly.
‘No it doesn’t mean “no”!’ said Julia, stung. ‘It means … it means, oh my God, it means, you just said the most surprising thing anyone ever said to me and I don’t know what the hell to think about it.’
‘And you can’t think of a good way to let me down gently.’
‘No, Loxy. For God’s sake, it’s just a surprise, that’s all.’
He stuck his bottom lip out.
‘Well, I know how I feel.’
‘Yes, and you’ve had two years minus three dates to get used to it! Whereas I’ve had nineteen seconds! And that’s not fair! And, for God’s sake, stand up.’
Very slowly, Loxy put the box back in his pocket and stood up.
‘I
