MINUTES WITH …
JEREMY CLARKSON
A rapid-fire Q&A with the former local newspaper journalist turned Grand Tour presenter
HELLO, JEREMY.
Yes, yes, yes, hello. Have you seen my reading glasses?
Aren’t they –
This is literally the millionth pair I’ve lost. Where do they all go? It’s James, isn’t it. James is stealing them. He’s a thief, you know.
But I think they’re –
It’s literally impossible for any human being to keep a pair of glasses for more than 10 seconds and I’ve realised this is literally all the fault of James May.
They’re on your head.
Most things in life are, when you get down to it, the fault of James May. War, pestilence, disease, being unable to find the place where they keep the teaspoons in someone else’s kitchen – all May’s fault in some way or other that we’ve yet to fathom. I know I’m right on this one.
Yes, but in this case your reading glasses are on your head.
What?
They’re on your head.
Yes, I knew that.
So, first question …
Yes, he is.
What?
Yes, he is. James May. Is he a thief? Yes, he is. I assume that was going to be your first question. Is James May …
Um, Richard Hammond …
What? Is James May Richard Hammond? What a stupid question. Did you go to journalism college?
No, the first question was going to be, ‘Richard Hammond: can you describe him in three words?’
Can they be swear words?
Not really.
No.
I’m sorry?
My answer is no. Can I describe Richard Hammond in three words? If they can’t be swear words then, no, I can’t. Literally impossible.
Oh. What about James May?
No, I imagine he wouldn’t be able to either.
No, I mean, can you describe James Ma-
Oh for God’s sake, where are my glasses?
You’ve put them back on your hea-
May! MAY!
Jeremy leaves the room. From the office next door there is some shouting. Jeremy returns to the room.
He says he hasn’t taken them, but I know he has. A thief. A common thief, that’s what he is. Right, what were you saying?
Well …
From outside there is a protracted clattering sound.
What was that?
Don’t worry, it was probably just Hammond falling down the stairs.
Falling down the stairs?
Yes, he does it all the time. Nothing to worry about.
Are you sure?
No, but I can’t be bothered to get up again.
Oh, okay. Um, shall we get back to the questions?
Okay, to answer your question, yes, Richard Hammond is a type of swear word. At least, he is in this room. I’ll give you an example of what Richard Hammond means in this room: ‘Oh no, I’ve just stepped in a Hammond.’ By which I mean, ‘dog turd’.
Why would there be a dog turd in this room?
An actual dog turd, or Richard Hammond?
No, I … never mind. Next question, can you sum up The Grand Tour in three words?
Yes. ‘The’. ‘Grand’. And ‘Tour’. It’s already three words. You’re really not paying attention, are you?
Well, it was more of an abstract question.
I literally don’t know what you mean. Literally. You’re just wasting time.
Speaking of which, I think our time is up.
Good, because I need to find my glasses. I put them somewhere safe.
They’re on your head.
Yes, I know. Now please go away.
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