Letters to the Dead: Things I Wish I'd Said. Ann Palmer

      Dear Bill,

      Your active career spanned many years with hundreds of acting credits. You were one of the first actors I got to know well, but it was not your career that I remember most about you. Perhaps, a very strange reason, nevertheless, the memory remains vividly in my memories.

      In my very early days in Hollywood, I was studying acting with Jess Kemmel, who had been a stage manger in NYC and known as an excellent acting coach. You were about the most professional working actor in the group and in your early thirties. You were a cross between a leading man and a character actor. Blond, nice looking with a bit of a craggy look afforded you the character to fit both categories. Many of your roles were in westerns, others playing detectives.

      After class, many of us met at a restaurant for drinks or late snacks. You often sat next to me and a bit flirty. On one occasion you discussed doing a scene with me. Since you were the profession and I was a rank amateur, I was flattered that you would even ask.

      One night, after class, you asked if you could stop by my apartment to discuss selecting a scene we could. I agreed - little could I know the scene that would take place that night. We discussed various suitable scenes that we might consider. As men often do, you very gently eased into the subject of sex and love making. At the time I was so naive that I did not know some of the slang words used and some related to sex. That was the introduction to our conversation.

      My teenage marriage was a forced one when my ex-husband, then a beau, and I got carried away in his car. For several years I had dated many boys and “necked” as we called it in those days. Necking consisted of kissing and hugging, no touching of privates. I was passionate and ready to go a step further but not necessarily that night nor with that guy. Unfortunately, he couldn’t wait and without insertion, the sperm wiggled its way to its destination and left me pregnant, which led to a forced marriage. As I walked down the aisle, I looked at him and thought how I did not love him and hated getting married but I was stuck (no legal abortion at that time). From then on, we had as little sex as I could avoid. I hated it. Pregnancy gave me an excuse to avoid it, later he traveled as a salesman and I could continue to avoid sex as much as possible. It sounds ridiculous but I never actually saw his penis. I never had a climax. Everything was done under the bed covers. Once, he failed to close the bathroom door and I saw him nude, only from his backside. I would stay up late watching TV when he went to bed to avoid sex. He was a gentle soul and wouldn’t force himself on me, except the incident in the car when we were both fully clothed. Later experiences seemed to me that if a man just looked at me, I could get pregnant. That’s a bit of an exaggeration; however, a one-nighter could result in pregnancy in an era of illegal abortions! (Those innocent experiences at various times and experiences friends had to go through made me a staunch supporter of a woman’s right to choose).

      I was very naïve at the time. While searching for an apartment, I met with a rental agent who advised me to go back to Texas. My naivety was obvious. She told me that Hollywood was a rotten place. I replied that one could be a rose among thorns. Her reply was that if you wear a white dress in a room with a coal burning stove, some of the soot is bound to rub off on you. I never forgot her comparison.

      Today, I find myself very worldly-wise compared to the “normal” people I meet away from Hollywood.

      To continue with our evening together -- I had no idea what oral sex was. That sounds incredible in today’s world when young teens experience it! You told me that I should experience it so I would know what it is. I don’t remember agreeing to it but we did get into kissing and that led to your heading south with me scared and very ill at ease. After that, I don’t remember if we continued love making or if you just wanted to introduce me to orals sex or if we dated or ever did a scene together. No doubt is was worthwhile memory of you for me.

      Before I ever thought about working on General Hospital, you played Lamont Corbin, a wealthy man, for over a decade. Too bad you weren’t still on the show when I began working on it in the early 1980’s. I would have enjoyed seeing you again.

      Your career seemed to go well for you as you were a constantly working actor. I am glad that you were successful. I have only fond memories of your -- not acting or scene sharing but your introducing me to a phase of sex I had never heard of at the time.

      I don’t know anything about your private life after we met - if you married, had children or where you lived but I do know you had a very active, successful career.