the temptation to try to “fix” things. You can’t. And don’t try to console your wife with statements like, “We can always have another one.” Your intentions are good, but it won’t go over well.
You and your partner do not have to handle your grief by yourselves: counseling and support are available to both women and men who have lost a fetus through miscarriage, genetic termination, or selective reduction. Going to a support group can be a particularly important experience for men—especially those who aren’t getting the support they need from their friends and family. Many men who attend support groups report that until they joined the group, no one had ever asked how they felt about their loss. The group setting can also give men the chance to escape the loneliness and isolation and stop being strong for their partners for a few minutes and grieve for themselves. If you’d like to find a support group, your doctor or the genetic counselors can refer you to the closest one—or the one that might be most sympathetic to men’s concerns.
Some men, however, are not at all interested in getting together with a large group of people who have little in common but tragedy. If you feel this way, be sure to explain your feelings tactfully to your partner—she may feel quite strongly that you should be there with her and might feel rejected if you aren’t. If you ultimately decide not to join a support group, don’t try to handle things alone; talk to your partner, your doctor, your cleric, or a sympathetic friend, or read—and maybe contribute to—some of the blogs that deal with grief from the dad’s perspective. Keeping your grief bottled up will only hinder the healing process.
Spreading the Word
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOUR PARTNER
Physically
• Fatigue, morning sickness, breast tenderness, and other early pregnancy symptoms are beginning to disappear
• Continuing moodiness
• She doesn’t look pregnant yet, but she’s having trouble fitting into her clothes anyway
Emotionally
• Heightened sense of reality about the pregnancy from hearing the baby’s heartbeat
• Continuing ambivalence about the pregnancy and wondering how she’s ever going to get through the next six months
• Frustration and/or excitement over her thickening waistline
• Turning inward—beginning to focus on what’s happening inside her
• Beginning to bond with the baby
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE BABY
By now, the little fetus looks pretty much like a real person—except that he or she (even a really sharp ultrasound technician would be hard pressed to tell you which) is only about two or three inches long, weighs less than an ounce, and has translucent skin and a gigantic head (although “gigantic” is a relative term—it’s roughly the size of a grape now). All the internal organs are there. Teeth, fingernails, toenails, and hair are developing nicely, and the brain is not far behind. By the end of this month, the baby will be breathing amniotic fluid and will be able to curl its toes, turn its head, open and close its mouth, and even frown.
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU
A Heightened Sense of Reality
During the third month, the pregnancy begins to feel a little more tangible. By far the biggest reality booster for me was hearing the baby’s heartbeat, even though it didn’t sound anything like a real heart at all (more like a fast hoosh-hoosh-hoosh). Somehow, having the doctor tell us that what we were hearing was really a heartbeat—and a healthy one at that—was mighty reassuring.
Ambivalence
Most expectant dads have moments—or weeks or months—when they’re less than completely excited about the pregnancy. Some are petrified that something terrible will happen to their partner or the baby, or that they’ll be stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital and they’ll have to deliver the baby all by themselves on the side of the road. Some see the whole thing as an inconvenience, or a never-ending suck of time and money. Others don’t like the idea that they might lose their sex life, their youth, their independence, their friends, their savings, and that coveted spot at the center of their partner’s universe. A lot of times these feelings of ambivalence or lack of interest are followed by guilt—for not being more supportive or not being a better spouse—or fear that these less-than-warm-and-fuzzy feelings are a surefire sign that you’ll be a lousy dad. Give yourself a break, will you?
There are a number of factors that can increase or decrease these feelings of ambivalence:
• Is your partner the woman of your dreams, or were you pressured into your relationship? Similarly, is this the relationship of a lifetime, or do you have a feeling that it’s not going to last?
• Are you totally ready to be a dad, or do you feel that you were pressured into the pregnancy? Have you accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish at this stage of your life, or are you sitting on a bunch of unfulfilled dreams?
• Are you financially ready (whatever that means to you) for fatherhood, or are you worried about money?
As you can probably guess, the more ambivalence you feel, the less you’ll be involved during the rest of the pregnancy and after your baby is born.
Feeling Left Out
While becoming more aware of the reality of the pregnancy is certainly a good thing, it’s not the only thing that you’ll be feeling around this point. Toward the end of this first trimester, your partner will probably begin to spend a lot of time concentrating on what’s happening inside her body, wondering whether she’ll be a good enough mother, and establishing a bond with the baby. She may be worried about the baby’s health or concerned that every little ache and pain she feels is a sign of some horrible disease. She’s probably internalizing her feelings about all this and may become a little self-absorbed. And if she has a close relationship with her mother, the two of them may develop a deeper bond as your partner tries to find good role models.
Everything she’s going through at this point is completely normal. The danger, however, is that while your partner is turning inward, spending more time with her girlfriends, or bonding with her own mother and the baby, you may end up feeling left out, rejected, or even pushed out of the way. This can be particularly painful. But no matter how much it hurts, resist the urge to “retaliate” by withdrawing from her. Be as comforting as you can be, and let her know—in a nonconfrontational way—how you’re feeling (see the “Your Relationship” section, pages 86–90). Fortunately, this period of turning inward won’t last forever.
Excluded—or Welcomed—by Your Partner’s Practitioners
For some men—especially those who are feeling emotionally left out by their partners—the joy they experience at the increasing reality of the pregnancy can be outweighed by the bitterness they feel at the way they’re treated by their partner’s doctors. Pamela Jordan, a nurse and a pregnancy expert, found that most men feel that their presence at prenatal visits is perceived as “cute” or “novel.” I frequently hear from expectant dads that medical professionals
