as you.
THE OFFICE
You’ll probably want to tell your coworkers and your boss (if you have one) at about the same time as you tell your friends. But remember that society has some pretty rigid work/family rules for men, so be prepared for a less-than-enthusiastic response from some people (see the “Work and Family” section, pages 136–42, for a complete discussion). Whatever you do, though, don’t wait until the last minute to tell the folks at work—especially if you’re planning to take some time off or make any work schedule changes after the birth.
YOUR OTHER CHILDREN
If you have other children, give them plenty of time to adjust to the news. But don’t tell them until after you want everyone else to know. Until they’re over six, kids don’t understand the concept of “keeping a secret.” When she was four, one of my oldest daughter’s big thrills in life was to gleefully whisper in people’s ears things that were supposed to be secrets. In her mind, whispering something didn’t actually count as saying it.
Make a special effort to include your other children as much as possible in the pregnancy experience. Our oldest daughter came with us to most of the doctor appointments and got to hold the Doppler (the thing you hear the fetus’s heartbeat through) and help the doctor measure my wife’s growing belly.
Finally, keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal for expectant siblings to insist that they, too, are pregnant—just like Mommy. Insisting that they’re not may make them feel excluded and resentful of the new baby. This is especially true for little boys.
A FEW SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES
If your partner had a miscarriage and you’re expecting again, the rules (to the extent that there are any) for telling family and friends change somewhat. You might want to tell selected people immediately—you may be craving your family’s or friends’ support, or you may just need someone to be happy for you. Most people, though, want to put it off as long as possible (although in another month or so it’ll be pretty obvious). Here are some common reasons why:
• You may be worried that there could be another miscarriage and don’t want to put yourself through the pain of calling everyone to give them bad news. This is especially true if your partner has had more than one.
• If your partner got pregnant right after a miscarriage, you may worry that other people will think you’re being disrespectful by not grieving longer.
• You may want to wait until you’re over the hump—past the point when the miscarriage happened last time. If you have other kids who know about the previous miscarriage, it’s a good idea to wait until the pregnancy is pretty far along. They may worry about your partner or the new baby, and they might even be afraid that something they did caused the first miscarriage. If you have even the slightest inkling that this is the case, spend some time gently explaining to your other children that they are not responsible at all, that sometimes things happen that we just can’t explain.
Telling friends and family that you’ve decided to adopt, that you’re doing ART, or that you’re using a gestational carrier can also be surprisingly tricky. Some couples are perfectly fine with the idea. But for most, it’s a lot more complicated. To start with, you or your partner might be ashamed at what you might consider the inadequacy of not being able to get pregnant naturally. And then there’s the grief one or both of you may feel. Depending on which options you’re considering, you may have to come to terms with the loss of your dreams of having a biologically related child and keeping your genetic line alive. Or the disappointment at being deprived of the opportunity to go through a pregnancy and birth.
Although you’d think that everyone would be overjoyed at your decision to adopt (or, if you’re using donor sperm or eggs, to tell people about it), that’s not always the case. Some people—especially relatives—might not be too happy that you’re bringing an “outsider” into your family. You have every right to expect your family to respect your decision and treat you and your partner with respect. At the same time, as Patricia Irwin Johnson points out, your family has the right to expect certain things from you:
• Information. They can’t be sensitive about something they don’t understand. You might want to recommend that they read some books on adoption (see Selected Bibliography).
• Sensitivity. You must acknowledge that your decision to adopt might cause some people some pain. Your parents, for example, might be disappointed that they’re not going to become grandparents the “right” way or that a genetic family link has been broken. Like you, they may need some time to mourn the loss of their hopes and dreams.
• Patience. Even if they do have information and a good understanding of adoption, they’re still lagging behind you and your partner in terms of knowledge. So give them some time to catch up and don’t expect instant support and understanding. If someone makes a dumb or insensitive remark about adoption or donor sperm, or anything else, resist the urge to bite her head off. Instead, take her aside and point out the mistake as nicely as you can.
What If You’re Not Married?
Even in the twenty-first century, when it’s the norm for couples to live together before getting married, having a child out of wedlock still raises a lot of eyebrows in some circles. Your most liberal-minded friends and relatives might surprise you by suggesting that you “make an honest woman of her” before the baby comes. Try to keep your sense of humor about these things. You and your partner are grown-ups and capable of making the decisions you think best. And anyway, most unmarried parents-to-be find that their relatives’ joy at the prospect of a new little niece, nephew, or grandchild frequently overshadows those same relatives’ disappointment over your lack of a marriage certificate.
No matter how or when you do it, telling people you’re expecting will open a floodgate of congratulations and advice; after a few weeks, you may wonder what anyone used to talk about at parties before. Just about everyone has something to say about what you should and shouldn’t do now that you’re expecting. You’ll hear delightful stories, horror stories, and just plain boring stories about pregnancy and childbirth. You’ll probably also have to endure endless “jokes” about your masculinity, speculation about who the “real” father is, and questions about what the mailman or the milkman looks like—mostly, unfortunately, from other men. With attitudes like these, is it any wonder that 60 percent of men have at least fleeting doubts as to the true paternity of their children?
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