that to a caller.”
I was just like, “Uh, yeah. Me neither.”
Then I figured, okay, now’s my chance to ask her name, but then Derek came over and he starts going on and on about how he just registered for classes at Hocking College because—wasn’t I listening?—ATS will pay your tuition after you’ve worked here a year and, as of yesterday, he has been here exactly one year.
He doesn’t even care what classes he’s taking; he just wants to screw ATS out of his tuition money. Now all he has to do is maintain a B average, and how tough can that be at Hocking College?
So I figured, okay, maybe that’s the end of it, but then he started complaining about his girlfriend/baby mama. He was like, “Every time I look in the cupboard, I swear she’s preparing for the apocalypse. We’ve got at least six jars of salsa, about ten cans of corn and ten cans of beans, five boxes of Fiber One cereal and five bottles of mouthwash. Why would anybody need five bottles of mouthwash?”
Hot Girl said, “Maybe she’s trying to tell you something.”
I like her more and more all the time.
* * *
Bannister, Caroline
Davenport, Lucas
Gillette, William
Folsom, Margaret
Harrington, Jeffrey
Hemingford, Amy
Joseph, Tanha
Kinsley, Bridget
Lackey, Katrina
Marshall, Helen
Mosely, Peter
Newton, Rhonda
Preston, Paul
Reynolds, Derek
Schwartz, Thomas
Stevens, Larissa
Thomas, Andrea
Valentine, Jeanette
Vaughn, Anthony
Washington, Leon
She’s in there somewhere. Helen? Andrea? Caroline? I bet it’s Caroline. She looks like a Caroline. With that voice like warm cocoa, and her smile that’s like springtime and the way she smells like—actually, she smells like springtime, so maybe her smile is more like sunshine. Her voice is definitely warm cocoa, though, for sure. Just like a Caroline.
Or maybe Larissa. Larissa is like a name for somebody uniquely perfect. I bet that’s it.
I think about it and it’s like, I should just ask her what her name is. But I’ve been trying to. I mean, what should I do? Just lean over and say, “Hey, hot quiet chick with the super-long dark hair and the big, sexy Jessica Alba lips, what’s your name”
That’s not how smooth, suave, sophisticated guys do it, is it?
But how do smooth, suave, sophisticated guys do it? That’s what I want to know.
By the way, I wonder how long it’ll take Tim to realize the roster from his training class is missing.
My guess: two days, if ever.
June 9
I had today all perfectly planned out.
I got up two hours early so I could drive the forty-five minutes to Parkersburg (which was more like an hour because of the construction) and find the only Tim Hortons in the whole entire town, I think (which was on the complete other side of town, too, by the way) and then drive the thirty minutes back to Coolville (which was more like forty-five, because of that same construction) and to wonderful Appalachia TeleServices, just so I could hang out in the break room with my Tim Hortons Iced Cappuccino (Chocolate Brownie Supreme, I think the flavor was called) and wait for the hot girl who sits next to me to come in and see my Tim Horton’s cup there and say, “Tim Hortons! I love Tim Hortons!”
And then I’d pretend like I didn’t hear her say that to another chick in our training class yesterday, and I’d play it all cool and say, “Really? Yeah, me too.”
And then she’d be like, “Wow, we have so much in common.”
So I figured the Tim Hortons would finally give me the opening to say, “Would you like to sit down?”
And then, as she was sitting, I’d hold out my hand and say, all debonair like, “My name’s L.J. by the way.”
She’d shake my hand real gentle and her hand would be all soft and she’d say, “I’m ______” whatever her name is.
And I’d be like, “Ah, I’ve always loved that name,” or maybe, “Oh, that’s such a nice name,” or, if I was feeling really confident from the caffeine, something like, “Such a beautiful name for such a beautiful young woman.”
And then maybe she’d giggle and blush or something.
I also had a backup plan in case she was already there when I got there: I’d go into the break room and she’d be sitting there reading whatever book she’d be reading and I’d drop my drink on the table, loud enough that she’d look up—but not so loud that it’d be annoying—and she’d say, “You went to Tim Hortons? I love Tim Hortons!” etc.
But because the road construction sucked so bad, and because Tim Hortons took me forever to find because Google Maps hates me, and because it took me about twenty minutes to order once I got there because there were about eighteen million cars ahead of me and I didn’t know what the hell I was ordering besides, by the time I got to work, it was already nine o’clock (8:58:36 on the time clock when I swiped my badge) and I had to throw away what was left of my stupid iced cappuccino since we can’t take drinks into the training room unless they have an ATS-approved spill-proof lid, which the Tim Hortons Iced Cappuccino definitely does not have, with its ginormous hole in the top.
So that didn’t work.
It was probably just as well, though, because it occurs to me now that I wouldn’t have known what to say when she asked me why I was in Parkersburg because, as far as I know, the only reason to go to Parkersburg is to go to the strip clubs and they’re probably not open at eight in the morning and, even if they were, I don’t think I’d want to tell her that’s why I drove all the way to Parkersburg before work, so, yeah. . . .
* * *
After work, I got stuck giving a ride to the barefoot guy from our training class. I thought he just wanted a ride home, but he had me stop by Bobcat Pawn Shop on the way.
As soon as I parked, he said, “I need you to go in before me and ask to look at the guns.”
“What?”
“Just
