really have a reason not to.
I don’t know crap about guns. The guy behind the counter was like, “You looking for a twenty-two? A forty-five? Nine-millimeter?”
“Nine-millimeter, I guess.”
“Nines are down here. Are there any you want to take a closer look at?”
“How about that one?”
“This is a Springfield XD. It’s factory ported. I don’t know why. There’s not much recoil in a nine-millimeter to begin with. The porting won’t do much more than increase the report.”
That’s pretty much all I remember. I had no idea what he was talking about and I’m pretty sure he could tell. Now I know the difference between a semi-automatic and a revolver, but that’s about it.
When I get back out to my car, the barefoot guy is dialing a number on what looked like the most humongous cell phone I’d ever seen in my life. It turns out that it was one of the cordless landlines from inside the pawn shop.
I said, “I thought you said you weren’t going to rob them.”
“I didn’t. To rob them, I’d have to go in there with a gun and say, ‘Give me your money!’ All I did was grabbed this phone off the counter. And I’m not keeping it, anyway. I’m just making a call.”
Apparently, the number he called was some weather service in Australia. The reason he called it was because he went to that pawn shop a couple weeks ago to sell an engagement ring. They told him they needed to keep the ring overnight and have somebody look at it the next day and, when he went back, they told him the ring was only worth two hundred dollars and when he wanted his ring back, he says they gave him a completely different ring and kicked him out of the store when he complained.
I asked him if he called the police. Did he file a police report? Did he call a lawyer? Calling some long-distance number and hiding their phone under their dumpster won’t help anything.
“It’ll help them,” he said.
“What? How? Why?”
“I’m a karmic rejuvenation therapist—a karmic enforcer—whatever you want to call it. I help people improve their karma.”
“Karma Police?” I asked. He looked at me like I was an idiot. “Radiohead? OK Computer?” Still nothing. “Seriously?” I said. “If you’ve never heard that song, where’d you get the idea? My Name is Earl reruns in Bizarro World?”
“I don’t know what that is. I’ve employed these same techniques for hundreds of years, over many lifetimes.”
“You’ve been making long-distance calls on people’s phones for hundreds of years?”
“Providing karmic adjustments,” he said. “It’s different today—we don’t have the same student-master relationships—so I’ve had to adapt. I help more people this way, but the help I provide isn’t as significant.”
I was like, “All you’re doing is getting revenge on people who piss you off.”
“It probably seems like that to the untrained eye. It’s not revenge, though. It’s a service. I provide them with unsolicited spiritual renovation.”
“You should put that on business cards.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
I still don’t know if he was messing with me, or if he really believes what he was saying. He seemed pretty excited about the whole phone thing, though, until I told him the pawn shop would just call the phone company and dispute the charges.
“Some people make it hard for me to help them,” he said.
So, yeah, he’s a freak.
He gave me ten bucks for gas, though, so I’ll probably give him a ride again if he needs it.
June 10
Tanha. Her name’s Tanha.
Tanha Tanha Tanha.
Let’s hook up mañana,
you can ride on my iguana,
I’ll take you to nirvana,
better than marijuana,
my flora in your fauna,
you know you really wanna,
so tell me, are we gonna?
Taa-a-a-a-a-a-a-n-ha-a-a-a.
* * *
Here’s how today began: Tim said, “Okay, we’ll take a break from PowerPoints for a while—”
We all cheered.
Then Tim got all pissy, like, “I didn’t make the PowerPoints, okay? I just have to read them.”
After we all shut up, he was like, “As I was saying, we’re going to take a break from the PowerPoints and do some mock readings.
“Get together with the person next to you and take turns reading each other’s cards. Use the ten-card spread that we talked about yesterday.”
Viking Boy asked, “What if we prefer the fifteen-card Romany?”
“While we’re in training and OJT, we’ll all use the same ten-card spread that we taught you, okay?”
“But the fifteen-card Romany is more accurate for general readings.”
“Once you’re out on the call floor, you can use whatever spread gives you the best handle times. Until then, we’ll all use the same ten-card spread, okay?
“And remember, you want to practice like it’s an actual call, so use your scripted greeting and close.”
Then Tim said, “Any questions?”
As soon as he asked, you could tell he regretted it.
Viking Boy asked, “Don’t you think it’s ironic that the majority of viruses on your computer come from pictures of women who probably have all kinds of real life viruses?”
Tim was just like, “Um, I don’t—”
“And is the universe eternal or transient, or both—or neither?
“Just pair up and start your readings, okay?”
The girl of my dreams turned and said to me, “Do you want to be my partner?”
“Sure.”
Before I got the chance to say, “I’m L.J., by the way”—and I was totally ready to say it this time, too; I’m pretty sure
