I want to show you ladies is my best seller. Crotchless panties!” She held up a pair of underwear with white lace at the sides and two strings hanging down from either end of the front joining into one small bow at the back. It looked like a parachute cut in half at the top with its strings suspending down towards an invisible jumper.
“These are a wonderful addition to every woman’s wardrobe. Let me show you why.” To the roar of a delighted crowd Clarissa reached down, slid the white panties up over her black pants and snapped the strings into place creating the striking visual of a large black triangle in the centre of two white stripes. Thank God she put them on because there was no way I would ever have figured it out by myself.
“There are four reasons these panties will go home with you tonight. One, women always complain they can spend $80 on an outfit and it ends up on the floor in two minutes, so what’s the point? Well, with these you spend under twenty dollars and they stay on.” Someone clapped. It might have been Mahjong.
“Let me give you reason two. If you’re having sex with a man, he’s visual. Never underestimate that. It’s not the same as wearing nothing at all. Just the thought of you wearing them will make him crazy. And when he sees them on you it will make him even crazier.”
She held up three fingers. “And if you are having sex with a man, let’s face it, he might not get it. With these panties you make it really simple for him and tell him to stay inside the lines,” she said as she pointed to the black space between the two white strings over her pubic area. Every woman in the room, myself included, howled with laughter in response.
“And lastly ladies, what I most recommend these panties for are those bad days when you just feel really low. You know what I’m talking about? We all have them. Put on these crotchless panties, wear a skirt, and go grocery shopping.” I saw looks of intrigue, shock and delight. “Trust me ladies, you wear these panties and if you were depressed before you left the house, you won’t be by the time you come home. It has nothing to do with sex, and everything about making you feel good.”
I tried to think of the last time I felt good, really good. In the confusion of rum and mushroom nipples exploding in my stomach, it saddened me that no single event stood out in recent memory.
Then, with a sudden impulse of pure drunken determination, I boldly wrote Parachute Chuddy on my paper menu in the top right corner.
Clarissa refolded the golden fabric and slid the basket under the table. While she began to explain the bubble bath line, Mahjong slipped into the kitchen, got herself another juice bottle and a cold cooler for me. Years of friendship and a deep desire to get drunk eliminated the need for me to properly thank her. I popped the top off and swallowed half the frosty drink.
The consultant extolled the virtues of bubble baths with our partners and how sexy it was to play with edible products. I almost choked on my cooler at the image of Manny and I both trying to fit into our small bathtub at home. I could see him sloshing around, his long six foot frame struggling to stay inside the tub. I envisioned his feet on either side of my head with mine in his groin just trying to get both of us in at the same time. Comical yes, sexy no.
“This product is also edible so you can use it as a mouthwash, toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo or for washing your pets, your car and your dishes.
“And it has vitamin E in it so it is exceptionally good for shaving.” She ran the bottle along her legs. “And shaving.” She waved the bottle under her armpit. “And shaving.” She held the bottle over her pubic area.
Thankfully I had no cooler in my mouth or it would have ended up spewed across the room. “The afro went out in the seventies ladies,” Clarissa said. “Clean it up. It’s your best chance it will get found!” I pulled my legs closer to my chest.
“This next product is a body lotion that you can put anywhere on your body. Anywhere you put it you’ll be perfectly edible from head to foot.” She winked. “This lotion is peppermint flavored and really good for giving foot rubs so I suggest since your feet are clean and edible, well, why don’t you get your toes sucked?”
Toe sucking? Did she actually just say toe sucking? What a hideous thought! My big toes had three very stubborn hairs on each of them that made them look like beetles lying on their sides doing Pilates leg stretches. Though I plucked them on a regular basis, they still seemed to grow faster than any other follicles on my body. I could just picture my toe in Manny’s mouth, the hair protruding from the edges of his lips as though they were trying to make their escape from his teeth.
“That’s so gross!” Jenny slurred.
“I love it!” screamed one of Jenny’s bridesmaids, someone so conservative she made me look like a pole dancer.
My eyes instantly turned to Mahjong.
“Oh yes my little brown friend,” she said pointing to her feet. “Toe sucking is good.” She leaned back against the end of the sofa tucking her arms behind her head and closing her eyes.
“Toe sucking,” Clarissa said, “is actually pretty cool. Try it. I’m just trying to get you to think outside the box.” She smiled at her own joke and waved the round black container in the air.
“Now this stuff is not only good for toe play, it has many other uses. Are you ready?” She waited until everyone stopped talking. “This body lotion is also exceptionally good for analingus.” Clarissa paused. I felt tension rise all around me. “What’s analingus? Well we all know what cunnilingus is right?” She looked around the room. No one moved or spoke.
I stopped breathing in case the slightest shift in position caused the pillow beneath me to roar another loud farting sound in the dead silence.
“Okay, so imagine you’re freshly showered and covered in this lotion and someone is performing cunnilingus on you and then whoops their tongue slips and hello there it is! Analingus!”
She looked every woman in the eye as though she wanted to make sure her advice registered with each one. My brain had completely abandoned ship, setting sail in a sea of malted liquid.
My first introduction to the word anus was quite memorable. I heard the word for the first time in science class. I rushed home to tell my mother about the other planets in the universe and when I got to Uranus she slapped me across the face and shouted, “Dat place only for besharam!”
A few months later at a dinner party my mother was hosting for someone’s arranged marriage, one of the Aunties commented about how badly Westerners behaved. “Ve know how to act na? Ghoras are tooo liberal. Vhere oh vhere do all dese besharam come from?” To which I loudly and proudly replied, “They come from Uranus!” I was slapped and sent to my room. Needless to say after our sex education class when the word came up for real, I knew better than to bring it up to my mother. If a planet got me a hard slap to the head, I didn’t want to think what a rectal discussion would get.
“The next product is something that heats up!” Clarissa held up a tube shaped bottle. “Now I’m supposed to tell you it’s good for muscular aches, pains and cold feet but what it’s really good for is… oral sex!” Mahjong’s eyes shot open. She sat upright and grabbed her penis pencil in hand. “When you blow on this product it makes your skin hot! And speaking of hot ladies, what is the key to performing oral sex on a man?”
No one answered for a brief moment. The long-nosed lady behind me snidely said: “Get someone else to do it.”
Clarissa
