as “Mental and Dental,” Joan and Sandy recently celebrated their sixty-sixth wedding anniversary. Despite their gifts in the art of connection, things weren’t always easy between them. But, unlike many of their friends who separated when things got difficult, they worked through their challenges. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my parents’ example gave me a sense that growth and change were possible.
My passion for growth and change led me to study psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts, because it was the place where Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung first visited when they came to the United States and it was renowned for an excellent psychology department. Upon graduation I contemplated a career as a psychotherapist, but in those days doctoral programs in clinical psychology focused exclusively on pathology, and I was interested in what we now call “positive psychology.” The field of positive psychology didn’t exist yet, so I blazed my own trail.
Thanks to the creative support of Goddard College, I was able to design my own master’s degree program in Psycho-Physical Re-education while training as a teacher of the Alexander Technique in London. My thesis became my first book, and that’s how I became an author. In 1979 I was invited to present on a five-day leadership retreat in Switzerland for senior executives of a global computer company. I made a great connection with the Human Resources VP and was asked to colead this program for many other groups around the world. These early experiences provided a great opportunity to learn about bringing people together, but my deeper understanding of human relationships has emerged from the humbling lessons I learned from a difficult divorce and from more than twenty years’ work with a wonderfully wise psychotherapist. This deep inner work helped me become more attuned to myself and, in the process, more attuned to my clients. Learning to be fully present with clients allowed me to cultivate positive connections that, in some cases, have lasted for decades. All this provides the soul impetus behind this book.
Although there’s always more work to do and lessons to learn, my life is rich with beautiful, joyful relationships. I have an abundance of loving friends, a marvelous network of clients who have become friends, a great relationship with my mom and dad, and, best of all, a fulfilling, happy marriage. The perspectives and insights in these pages are those that I apply on a daily basis to make the most of all my relationships.
Professionally, my primary emphasis has been on teaching people the mindset and skills of creative thinking. It’s relatively easy to teach people how to generate new ideas. The hard part is getting support for those ideas and overcoming resistance to innovation and change. This demands skill in building relationships, and it often means managing conflict.
Many of my clients are champions of innovative change in companies, schools, and government agencies, and they seek help in overcoming resistance to new ideas. Resistance to change and innovation is to be expected. As Italian philosopher and statesman Niccolò Machiavelli (1469–1527) observed five hundred years ago: “It ought to be remembered that there is nothing more perilous…than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. Because the innovator has for enemies all those who have done well under the old conditions, and lukewarm defenders in those who may do well under the new.”
Whether you are championing innovation and positive change in your organization, trying to negotiate a fair deal with a collaborator, or dealing with a dispute with your spouse or child, your success and fulfillment will be a function of your ability to apply the art of connection.
Conjungere ad Solvendum
Conjungere ad solvendum is Latin for “Connect before solving.” I made up this motto because, through teaching and facilitating innovative thinking for decades, I’ve discovered that the most powerful catalyst for inspiring creative breakthroughs and translating those breakthroughs into sustainable innovations is to guide people to connect with one another first, before trying to solve a problem. When people connect, when they are simpatico, on the same wavelength, attuned, in rapport, they are much better at generating and implementing new ideas.
When people really listen, when they are fully present with one another, it is, as pioneering psychotherapist Carl Rogers (1902–87) describes, “astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble.” Rogers adds that when genuine connection happens, “confusions which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams.”
This isn’t just true in therapy. Connection facilitates creativity in all domains. When people truly listen to one another, something reliably magical happens: seemingly irremediable confusions do become clear flowing streams. This is true in a marriage, a friendship, or a professional collaboration.
The art of connection — creating and maintaining genuine rapport with others — is the key to building relationships, resolving conflict, and making creative dreams come true.
This book is for you, if you:
• Are an aspiring leader who wishes to cultivate the relationship-building skills necessary to translate creative visions into practical realities;
• Would like to differentiate yourself from the growing tendency toward shallow and superficial communication;
• Seek a stronger sense of connection and fulfillment in all your relationships;
• Wish to discover, and to help others discover, a deeper sense of meaning, purpose, and connection.
When it comes to learning and developing this art, we all need all the help we can get! Why?
Most people apply the communication strategies with which they were raised. If you come from a family who didn’t express emotions openly and clearly, then chances are you will have a hard time expressing emotion yourself. If you were raised in an environment where anger was repressed and acted out in passive-aggressive ways, the odds are that you will do the same. Maybe you’ve seen the Far Side cartoon that depicts a huge auditorium with a large banner over the stage that says: “WELCOME! Convention of People from Nondysfunctional Families.” Almost all of the seats are empty!
If people are not unconsciously mimicking the dysfunctional communication habits with which they were raised, they may be reacting against them or they may be getting their idea of how to communicate from some form of media, both of which can have problematic results. And then, of course, there’s the depersonalizing effect of contemporary electronic communication. Positive models of the art of connection are rare. You’ve got to create your own, and this book will guide you in that process.
The Art of Connection has been incubating for decades based on insights and experiences that are fundamental to my evolving understanding of relationship building. Some of the material in this book has appeared in previous books that I have written, but it is reframed and contextualized here in a way that I hope you will experience as most useful and relevant to our present circumstances.
The seven skills we will explore are all timeless, but they are also especially timely and most essential for leaders now. Each chapter includes illustrative stories, relevant scientific research, and practical exercises to help you apply the skill. Let’s begin by considering the profound role of the art of connection in supporting your health, happiness, and effectiveness as a leader.
Getting the Most from The Art of Connection
The Greatest Point of Leverage
In the classic comedy film City Slickers, Curly, the savvy, grizzled cowboy, played by the late great Jack Palance, imparts the secret of life to Mitch, the naive city slicker, played by Billy Crystal, as they ride their horses:
CURLY: Do you know what the secret of life is? This. [He raises one finger.]
