to pen “To be, or not to be, that is the question,” Bartlett will confirm your suspicion and identify the author who took the unfair advantage of being anterior.
2. Roget’s Thesaurus. A cornucopia of synonyms. Essential for the writer searching for le mot juste (i.e., a French phrase that sounds sexy). Very often the word you want is on the tip of your tongue but won’t get off. In the course of writing a long work, words can build up on the tip of your tongue, creating a condition called lingual overload. The remedy, too often, is alcohol administered internally. Better far to be able to resort to your thesaurus where you will find so many engaging synonyms that you may just abandon your novel to concentrate on crossword puzzles.
3. Fowler’s Modern English Usage. Fowler, who seems to have had no first name but overcame this handicap with typical British pluck, is to writing style what Alfred Kinsey is to sexual intercourse. He had very strong views about the conjunctive. As for italics, which imply emotional gestures and involuntary lip movement, his reservations are to be respected even as they are widely ignored by twenty-first-century authors. In short, for safer intercourse with the Muse, every writer should have a Fowler on his bookshelf, if only for its benign censure.
Now, class, I suspect that some of you are quite well dressed.
That has got to stop.
Granted, once you commit to writing for a living, your stylish dressing will cease automatically. Sartorially speaking, you can’t start projecting an image of an unmade bed too soon. Your uncoordinated garments reflect your total concentration on your writing, on your garbing a sentence with an appropriate adverb, or choosing the right simile to set off a verbal ensemble.
Your visual effect should be that of a university professor who has gained tenure and can limit his dress standards to checking his zipper.
Does this mean smoking a pipe? As long as there is no tobacco in the pipe, this can be a useful prop, especially for the female author. A cigar? Never. Virginia Woolf was said to have been seen going for long walks smoking a meerschaum, but only she would have been neurotic enough to carry that off.
Now, what about the appropriate underwear for the beginning author? Not Calvin Klein, obviously. The mind boggles at the concept of Bernard Shaw wearing a thong. Putting on worldly skivvies is a bad start for the author who wants to bond with the common man, or the even more common woman.
Got a hole in your sock? Congratulations! Your big toe is right there, front if not centre, to remind you that the flesh cannot be denied.
Your fly is open? Your makeup appears to have been applied with a spray gun? Excellent! Further evidence that your full attention is given to your writing, not the trivia of personal appearance.
To sum up: from the top of your bed head to the soles of your grubby sneakers, you the writer should demonstrate your contempt for all outward signs of success. (An unkempt beard is also impressive — especially on the female author.)
Now, this doesn’t mandate a total neglect of personal hygiene. Hopefully, there will be occasions — autographing sessions, media interviews — when it is preferable that people can come near you without being overcome by fumes. A hot bath, at least once a month, isn’t a philistine luxury; they provide those extra moments of relaxation that generate some of our best ideas, such as topping the bath off with a nap.
Now may be the time to have your photo taken … before you’re really immersed in rejection slips. When your work is accepted by a publisher, the house will want a photo to put on the cover of your book. And you are not going to look any younger before you find a publisher. Appearing haggard or dissipated can be offensive, especially to someone shopping for a children’s book.
No, the snapshot that a friend took of you last summer molesting a beach ball may not be suitable if your book is a serious novel. It may be prudent to book a professional photographer who has the skill to personalize the bags under your eyes. It’s an expense, true, but tax deductible should your book get published in your lifetime.
Do not get a publicity photo of yourself holding your own chin. Go the whole hog: get a shave. Also, forget the pipe. Even if you actually smoke one, ma’am. And no gazing off toward a brighter horizon. It may have worked for Aldous Huxley, but yours will be a mug shot better suited for the most-wanted list.
Also, remember that studio photo sessions go on for so long, holding rigid body positions, that your eyes — as recorded in the final shot — will show the loss of the will to live. In fact, the only author known to have survived the ordeal without a permanent spastic twitch was Winston Churchill, who had taken the precaution of drinking heavily beforehand. Woody Allen, in his studio photos, appears totally suicidal. This is quite fitting, as humour writers (i.e., Robert Benchley, Groucho Marx, George Burns, et al.) have all had the bearing of a Muse that isn’t amused.
Okay, now that you’ve wiped that grin off your face, let’s move on to a more serious issue: sex. The question remains: What gender should you be to maximize your chance of success as a creative writer? Male, female or undecided? Don’t guess.
At this point in time, fortune appears to favour the female writer, as long as she doesn’t overdo it. Exuding her femininity creates the impression that the writer is interested in reproduction of a more bodily nature than that of the Xerox machine.
On the other hand, the female author is much better off today than in the nineteenth century when Mary Ann Evans felt obliged to transmute into George Eliot, and Amandine Aurore Lucie Dupin hit pay dirt only after becoming George Sand.
Today the pendulum has swung the other way. Female authors actually flaunt their real names, while the guy named Joe might be tempted to transform into Josephine. This isn’t a good way to get in touch with his feminine side.
Most successful novels today are written by gals. Guys feel handicapped. They may even come to resent their own genitalia, as betraying the cause of that creative organ situated above the belt. But this is scapegoating of the worst kind.
Now, if a guy wants to experiment with wearing a bra just to get the feel of being Gertrude Stein, no harm done — probably. But stiletto heels are inappropriate on writers of any gender.
Now that you have chosen your wardrobe, gathered your reference books, and informed your family that you won’t be available for six months, it is time to decide: What kind of creative writing do you want to do?
Yes, there are lots of choices. They range from the highly
