Arnold Schwarzenegger. But it is difficult to have characters onstage without somebody’s saying something. Otherwise what you have is pantomime, a genre pretty well restricted to an audience that still wets its pants. The main benefit from writing for the stage is not financial but social, as the playwright gets to meet a lot of people — director, actors, stagehands — whom he might otherwise never have hated.
(Note: since the Age of Aquarius has pretty well dried up, presenting nudity onstage is no longer a novelty and rarely substitutes for dialogue.)
Occasionally, a stage play first mounted in the boonies (e.g., Canada) will graduate to Broadway, off-Broadway, farther-off-Broadway, the Great White Wail, Bad Times Squared, or some other doomed site. For New York critics the only good plays Canadians make are on the ice of a hockey arena.
POETRY
Early in life nearly everyone discovers that some words rhyme with other words. This incites the young person to write what he believes to be poetry but is, in fact, the mental equivalent of a wet dream.
For most writers this is just a phase, the acne of literary puberty. They recover from it without permanent damage to their ability to express themselves on paper. In fact, Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch, the dean of budding scribes, recommends verse writing as a good exercise for the mind that has a tendency to wander into blank prose.
We might also recall that in the heyday of Greek literature, the Olympic Games included a public reading of original verse, something hard to imagine as an element of the Grey Cup or the Super Bowl.
The main advantage that today’s poet has over the ancient Greek is that modern poems may be — indeed, should be — comprehensible to no one but the author. Freed from the strictures of rhyme scheme and grammar, the poem reflects the breakdown of Western civilization. It draws praise from critics who recognize that it transmits the inexpressible, being as impenetrable as a mother superior.
However, the novice should understand that very few poets today can make a living from this activity alone. Even Ovid — a top-ranked poet in his time — was moonlighting from his job as a lawyer. Which of these activities led to his being exiled to the city on the Black Sea where he died, we don’t know. But the message for today’s aspiring poet is clear: unless you are independently wealthy or happy to be housed in an abandoned piano crate, with the Muse, you lose.
That said, if you do take a turn for the verse, and just can’t resist rhyming couplets instead of leaving them alone, you may derive a lot of perfectly legal pleasure from penning an ode. (An ode is a poem meant to be sung, which may be going too far in a shaky relationship.)
JOURNALISM
This is sometimes called “the Fourth Estate,” the other Three Estates being Lords Spiritual (the heads of churches), Lords Temporal (the peerage), and the Commons (the rabble). Also called “ink-stained wretches,” today’s journalist rarely comes into contact with ink. Instead he has an intimate relationship with a computer, which is likely to become insanely jealous if the journalist goes to the toilet.
The main virtue of journalism is that it combines creative writing with a steady job. An actual livelihood. Which in turn makes the writer able to afford a spouse, children, a motorized vehicle, and possibly a permanent residence with indoor plumbing.
Journalists — whether in print or electronic media — comprise the major class of employed writers today. There are actual schools of journalism and university courses to train the average writer to transmit news or opinion without attracting undue attention to himself. These courses may be combined with athletics, such as rugby, to train the reporter to take notes in a media scrum or while hanging on to the door of a politician’s limo.
The basic college course for journalism is that of writing emissions for the campus student newspaper. The student — naturally shy and socially inept — gains confidence in his ability to write for an audience other than his immediate family, as well as to drink beer with other introverts.
Today the college newspaper’s editorial room isn’t as anarchic as in earlier times when it served as a mating ground for the creatively queer. Some observers fear that it has become merely a mirror, in miniature, of the daily newspaper, decorum snuffing out the divine afflatus.
However, writing for the student paper does familiarize a person with the hierarchy of the trade:
• cub reporter
• editorial writer
• star columnist
• publisher
• paper carrier (without whom revelation remains with St. John the Divine)
While less prestigious than being an award-winning novelist or an esteemed historian, being a journalist does get the writer out of the ivory tower and into the pub. With enough wampum to pay for a round. And seeing your name as a byline is visible proof of your existence in case you have doubts based on buying lottery tickets.
HUMOUR
Canadian humour is more personal than American humor because it includes u. (A little orthographic joke, there. We’ll hurry on.)
The best-known Canadian humorist to achieve wealth, as well as fame, was Stephen Leacock. Leacock profited so handsomely from work like his Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town that he was able to give up his day job as a McGill University professor to concentrate entirely on making Canadians laugh — a feat previously thought to be impossible.
Today most publishers are leery of humorists because humour may be used to suggest that a sacred cow is yielding bullshit. Thus the market for humour in print has shrunk with the gelding of Punch and the bloated state of The New Yorker without Robert Benchley, James Thurber, and S.J. Perelman. Only Dave Barry survives, by the sheer weight of giggles, and he may yet be targeted by the CIA.
A pity this; in earlier times the only member of a powerful king’s court who could imply folly was his clown. Not sure you will look good in motley? Take heart from Woody Allen, the humorist who added a new dimension to appearing dishevelled. Woody is the role model for the neurotic image that people find hilarious.
Does this mean that if you suspect you lack the vital neuroses, you should forget about writing humour? Probably. But there is always the chance that life will deal you a blow you can see the funny side of. If necessary, go into politics.
INCOME TAX RETURN
This form of fiction may be safely ignored by most writers. Tax-wise, their earnings put them in a bracket that is off the wall and in the basement.
However, in the blissful event that your novel hits the bestseller list or your screenplay is honoured at an Academy Awards ceremony, it is prudent to keep a written record of all deductible expenses. Does this mean having children? Only if you are terminally fertile. Dependents are the most costly type of tax deduction. Especially if your children are over forty and living at home.
Tax-wise, it is better to have a liver transplant than to have children (liquor is deductible if used to research a project).
While using your creative imagination to prepare your tax return, it is wise to remember that the Receiver General can be a severe critic. His unfavourable review of your work could include a cash penalty and possibly
