the root of almost every other marital problem that exists (and frankly, the primary enemy of living a holy life, which is why overcoming this tendency in marriage is so important spiritually as well as relationally).
All of us struggle to love our spouse the way he or she needs to be loved. Instead, we would rather do what we want to do for our spouse and then call that “being loving,” regardless of what our mate actually needs from us. We could be more present, more romantic, more sexual, a better listener, or a more attentive mate; but, to be perfectly honest, we’re tired and just a little too comfy in our own corner of the house. It happens to all of us — men and women. We are called to be Christ to our mate, but too often “Christ” is sacked out on the sofa, hiding out in a hobby or job, or out saving the rest of the world instead of actively searching for the hundred or so ways he or she could literally be a savior right at home.
Loving our comfort zone more than our spouse threatens our promise to love freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully by sending the message, “When push comes to shove, you can count on me to do what I want, not what you or our marriage needs.”
Marital Chicken
The second insidious obstacle to love is the game of Marital Chicken. When a couple plays, grown-ups sit around whining, “If only you were more romantic [or sexual, helpful, complimentary, emotional, rational, etc.], maybe I would be more romantic [or sexual, helpful, complimentary, emotional, rational, etc.]. But I know you. You’ll never change!”
Playing this game allows us to avoid confronting our own fears of intimacy while getting to feel self-righteous at the same time. As you can imagine, the game is fairly addicting. What couples playing Marital Chicken forget is that they are not really responsible to their partners for living out those loving qualities. Rather, such couples must become more affectionate (or sexual, helpful, complimentary, emotional, rational, etc.) because that is the person they want to be — because that is the person God is calling the couples to be. When we die and God asks us if we lived out our vocation to love, we really don’t think the Almighty is going to accept an excuse such as “Well, Lord, I would have, if only my spouse had been more [fill in the blank].”
Part of being Christ to each other involves being loving, not because our mates deserve such generosity (we so seldom deserve to be loved) but because our Christian dignity requires this of us. As C. S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves, “All who have good parents, wives, husbands, or children may be sure that at some times … [they] are loved not because they are lovable but because Love Himself is in those who love them.”
Loving our mates the way Christ would love them — whether they “deserve” it or not — is absolutely essential to our own growth as Christians. To reject this responsibility is to reject God’s call in our lives and injure our relationship with him. “As you did it to one of the least of these … you did it to me” (Mt 25:40).
By refusing to respond to our call to love, too many of us offend our own dignity, destroy our own self-esteem, and foster alienation in our marriages. We are constantly being tempted to play manipulative games with our mates, valuing our own convenience and comfort above all else. When we do this, husbands and wives slowly turn each other into “bitches,” “avoiders,” or — at best — shriveled-up, bitter, emotional scorekeepers. What we need to be doing is turning each other into saints. Thank God, by learning how to use the graces of marriage, we can. Nothing can come between those couples who believe the fulfillment of their identities in Christ is inextricably tied to the success of their marital partnership. Nothing can embitter those couples that understand their role in preparing each other to share the joy of God’s heavenly kingdom. When a husband and wife respond to their innate call to love and work to fulfill each other’s Christian destinies, they open the door to a truly vital, loving, spiritual, sacramental marriage. They guarantee that they will remain both faithful and joyful together through good times and bad, wealth and poverty, sickness and health, loving and cherishing each other until they deliver their mate to the heavenly Father, who will smile upon them and say, “Well done, [my] good and faithful servant” (Mt 25:21).
Living the Dream: Because You’re Worth It!
Living this vision of marriage and overcoming the common challenges to this vision takes spending more time, commitment, and energy on your marriage than many people do. But isn’t it worth it? If you do this work, you can have the kind of marriage that will make the angels smile and the neighbors sick with jealousy! If you commit to this work, you will have the kind of marriage that fills your days with true joy, real passion, incredible depth of meaning, and surprising strength in times of trial. In short, you will have the love your heart longs for — the love that comes from God’s own heart. You will experience a love that will mold and shape both of you as a couple into everything you were created to be in this life and enable you to celebrate heaven as the Eternal Wedding Feast (Rev 19:6-9)!
Chapter 2
The Celebration of a Lifetime
The Two Become One
Weddings are a cause for celebration. Jesus himself showed what an occasion for joy weddings are when he performed his first miracle at the wedding feast at Cana, transforming jars of water into the choicest wine (Jn 2:1-12). We want to help you discover how you can celebrate your marriage and experience the incredible joy that comes from living the fullness of the Catholic vision of married love!
In the last chapter, we examined what made the Catholic vision of marriage special and unique among all the many different visions of love. Specifically, you discovered that Catholic couples promise to spend their lives learning how to love each other freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. When a couple strives to live out this unique vision of love in their relationship, God blesses them in two special and important ways. First, he empowers them to celebrate an incredible Christian union — a miraculous degree of togetherness that melts two selves into one. Second, he empowers them to celebrate a life-giving love. Both of these blessings are cause for the couple to celebrate the gift of their marriage over the course of a lifetime!
Historically, these two blessings have been known as the “ends,” or goals, of marriage (i.e., the unitive and procreative ends), but they are more than duties married couples serve or jobs married couples do. Rather, they are gifts that married couples receive from God for learning to love each other freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully.
In this chapter, we’ll explore the ways God wants to give you the graces you need to celebrate an incredible Christian union. We’ll look at celebrating the second blessing, life-giving love, in Chapter 3.
Celebrating an Incredible Christian Union
We know that, in marriage, two become one (Mk 10:8). While that sounds pretty and poetic, this idea has practical significance for your marriage. There are two major ways to celebrate an incredible Christian union.
The first is by striving to rebuild the original unity of man and woman.
The second is to actively and intentionally work together to fulfill your identities in Christ. Let’s look at each of these.
Rebuilding the Original Unity of Man and Woman
It can sometimes feel like men and women are from two different planets — Mars and Venus, if you like. Some people even think that husbands and wives are so different that they should never expect to truly understand each other, much less be best friends. In
