zones and forbade each other from ever crossing the line — as if either ever would want to. This tragic estrangement continued throughout history, worsening and worsening until men and women began to feel as if they were born on two completely different planets and spoke two completely different languages (Martian and Venusian, if you like).
But God never intended for masculinity and femininity to be different languages, much less different planets. Rather, he intended that they should be complementary expressions of a shared humanity. The true, godly differences between men and women are the ones that enable them to work better together because of those differences, not stare at each other in frustrated confusion. Through marriage, God gives husbands and wives the grace necessary to begin to restore the original unity experienced by our first parents. God does not give us an insufficient grace, allowing us to merely hook up at the Interplanetary High School Prom (“This Year’s Theme: Counting Stars!”). Instead, God gives husbands and wives all the grace they need to transcend false differences, to discover that they were really earthlings all along, and to speak one language again: a language of joyful, mutual love and generous service, a language spoken into being by the Father, exemplified by the Son, and inspired by the Holy Spirit.
Celebrating Complementarity: Overcoming the False Differences
God gives us men and women the unifying grace we need to overcome the Battle of the Sexes, but we must be willing to do the work that grace empowers us to do. Unfortunately, too many Christian husbands and wives do not have complementary roles; instead, they have compensatory roles that inhibit their growth, both as human persons and as Christians. For example, certain wives never learn to do or become A, B, or C, because, as they put it, “That’s what my husband is for.” Similarly, certain husbands never learn to do or become X, Y, or Z because “That’s what my wife is for.” What such individuals forget is that they are passing up the chance God gives them to become the people he created them to be: competent, fully formed human beings, eager to challenge the limitations original sin placed upon their bodies, minds, spirits, and relationships. Sanctification is not just about overcoming spiritual obstacles; it is about overcoming physical, emotional, and psychological ones as well. Are you taking advantage of the marital grace God gives you to become fully human? Or are you hiding behind the sad and alienating excuse, “That’s just not what women [or men] are supposed to be”?
Such a statement is a cop-out unworthy of our Christian dignity. Men must be men like Jesus Christ is a man. And women must be women like the Virgin Mary or the Proverbs 31 wife is a woman. Only then will Christian husbands and wives be able to experience the truth of complementarity and the fullness of marital grace.
If you are a Christian married person, God is giving you the grace to do the work. In order to understand the specific work you must do, consider the following.
Exercise: Winning the Battle of the Sexes
The true, godly differences between men and women should be a catalyst, not an obstacle, for healthy intimacy and partnership. The following questions can help you have a better sense of how God wants your and your mate’s masculinity and femininity to be a blessing to each other.
Step One: Embrace Your Masculinity or Femininity
Prayerfully contemplate your body. What can you do with your body that your spouse simply cannot do, or do as well, with his or hers? This is God’s definition of masculinity and femininity. Emphasize these things in your life.
Step Two: Embrace Your Humanity
• What domestic jobs (e.g., cooking and housekeeping, taking care of the finances, nurturing and playing with the children, etc.) are you physically capable of doing but don’t do (or do extremely rarely) simply because you lack practice or don’t like doing them?
• What tasks do you require your mate to do for you, simply because you lack practice or don’t like doing them?
• What qualities (e.g., emotionality, rationality, communicativeness, affection, etc.) do you lack in your life, or excuse yourself for not having because “That’s not how women [or men] are supposed to be”?
Step Three: Embrace the Unity of Man and Woman
The tasks, domestic responsibilities, and personal qualities you listed above are exactly the areas you must develop in your life in order to become the human being God created you to be, in order to have a marriage based on complementarity and sanctification, instead of simple compensation or spiritual enabling. To develop these aspects of yourself is to participate fully in the grace God gives you through the unitive end of marriage. Do you have the guts to become the new Adam and new Eve on your block? As a Christian married couple, you are being called by God to nothing less. Will you accept his call?
An Incredible Christian Union, Part Two: A Shared Mission
So far, we’ve been looking at ways you can celebrate an uncommon Christian union in your marriage by working to restore the original unity between the sexes. But there is a second way every married couple can create an even deeper union. Recall that earlier in this chapter we said that the source of Adam and Eve’s unity before the Fall was their mutual love for God and their shared desire to do his will. In addition to winning the Battle of the Sexes, you can achieve greater intimacy and unity with your spouse by cultivating a shared mission that reflects your desire for God’s will to shine out in your lives together.
The Secret of a Divorce-Proof Marriage
Marriage researchers have discovered that couples who create a shared vision for their lives enjoy much happier and stable marriages (Gottman, 2011). For the Christian, this means that there is really only one reason for marrying that guarantees the lifelong happiness and relevance of a marriage, only one reason that even comes close to addressing the true meaning of a Christian marriage. More than love and companionship, the real function of a Christian marriage is for a husband and wife to help each other become the people God created them to be in this life and help get each other to heaven in the next.
God didn’t go to all the trouble of instituting the Sacrament of Matrimony just so that you could have a guaranteed date for bowling night. The real dignity of your Christian marriage comes from promising to spend every single day of your lives discovering and fulfilling your identities in Christ. In other words, marriage is a partnership in actualizing your Christian destiny.
Scripture tells us that “whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s” (Rom 14:8). Through marriage, God gives each one of us a sacred trust: to prepare our mate to spend eternity in heaven with him or her. This is what that nice-sounding phrase exhorting husbands and wives to “be Christ to one another” means. In essence, God says to every person who marries in the Church, “I am choosing you to play a central role in your partner’s sanctification. Your spouse may not make it without you. Be sure that he or she makes it with you.” All people who are married in the Church have the right to expect that their mate will be their best hope — second only to the saving grace of Jesus Christ and their own free will — of helping them become everything they were created to be in this life and get to heaven in the next.
This responsibility should not come as a huge surprise to you; after all, sanctification is the chief work of any sacrament. When you marry in the Church, you are not simply saying, “We love each other,” or “We’re best friends,” or even “We’re really hot for each other.” Of course, all of these things should be true. But even more importantly, when you marry in the Church, you are acknowledging that from now until the day you die, God has made you responsible (second only to the saving work of Jesus Christ
