have any hope for their future.
For one can be better than a thousand;
rather die childless than have impious children! (NABRE)
Because the formation of whole persons is so important, the Church teaches “responsible parenthood” (cf. Humanae Vitae, Familiaris Consortio, Letter to Families). That is, in discerning God’s will for the size of our families, we are obliged to consider the resources (or lack thereof) he has given us to provide for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of a child. The Church reminds us that in considering whether it is time to have a child, a husband and wife will
thoughtfully take into account both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which the future may bring. For this accounting they need to reckon with both the material and the spiritual conditions of the times as well as of their state in life. Finally, they should consult the interests of the family group, of temporal society, and of the Church herself. The parents themselves and no one else should ultimately make this judgment in the sight of God. (Gaudium et Spes, n. 50)
Again, all of this requires a degree of constant prayer and communication that can’t help but strengthen the closeness a couple has with each other.
Celebrating the Selflessness of Creative Love
Even if couples decide that they aren’t able to have another child in the short or longer term, by respecting the procreative dimension of marital love they will continue to grow closer to each other because of their willingness to put each other first over even their own desires. How can they do this? Again, by practicing Natural Family Planning.
There are about a million ways we can use our sexuality to abuse ourselves and others, and married couples are not immune to this. Most commonly, we treat our sexuality as if it were a street drug we take to make us happy. Or we use it to inflate a pathetic self-image (“Hey! I can’t be all bad. I got some!”). This attitude hurts the unity we can have with our spouse because it turns our mate into a thing to be used (or a thing to be resented when he or she refuses to be used) instead of a person to be loved, cherished, and respected.
Any abuse of self or others decreases our ability to be happy either in marriage or with God in heaven. That’s why husbands and wives are encouraged by the Church to make use of periodic abstinence (the time — usually about a week or so each month, during the fertile phase of a woman’s cycle — when the couple will refrain from having sex, if they have determined that they have godly reasons to avoid pregnancy) as a spiritual exercise to help each other master, purify, and perfect their sexuality, so that they can love each other more honestly, more generously, and more respectfully. By the way, although the forms of this vary, periodic abstinence is not just a Catholic phenomenon. Hinduism, Buddhism, and several popular Eastern texts on spiritual sexuality all speak of the benefits of sexual abstinence in various forms. Virtually every major spiritual system on earth values some form of abstinence as a means of purifying both sexuality and the human person. Aristotle, who lived some four centuries before Christ, tells us: “The man who abstains from bodily pleasures and delights in this very fact is temperate, while the man who is annoyed at it is self-indulgent” (Nicomachean Ethics).
In over 20 years of marriage ministry and counseling, we have never met a couple who loves each other more because they drink too much, eat too much, play too much, sleep too much, or otherwise abuse themselves. Caving in to every whim of our bodies is one of the quickest ways to destroy both self-esteem and mutual respect. That’s why people who eat, drink, play, and sleep in moderation are happier and healthier than people who don’t do enough of those things, or do them too much. The same is true about sex. When couples are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to learn to put each other’s good before their own immediate pleasure, they dedicate themselves to cultivating the sacrificial attitude that lies at the heart of the Christian vision of love. They learn to trust each other on a deeper level, a level that says, “You can count on me to always put you and what’s good for our marriage first. I will never pressure you, guilt you, or manipulate you into doing something just because I feel like it.”
It isn’t always easy to live this kind of love. Sometimes it can be a real challenge. But from both personal experience and the witness of thousands of couples we’ve worked with over the years, we know it’s a challenge worth accepting. The couple that is willing to take up this challenge for the good of each other and their marriage fosters an incredible Christian union. Clearly, in the hands of someone who knows what he or she is doing, marriage is an awe-inspiring thing. It is one of the best tools we have for perfecting each other in love.
Get the Party Started
The last two chapters have explored the two major blessings God wants to gift your marriage with; an uncommon union and life-giving love. Celebrating these blessings throughout your life together will help you become the people God is calling you to be and help each of you prepare the other to participate in the Eternal Wedding Feast of Heaven. Additionally, celebrating these blessings will enable you to call the world to Christ through the uniquely close, intimate, grace-filled intimacy you and your spouse share.
We know, both from our personal and professional experience, that living out the call to Catholic marriage isn’t always easy, but it is amazing. In good times and bad, sickness and health, for richer or poorer, God will use the lives you are building together to open your hearts to a love you couldn’t even begin to imagine: a love that has the power to make every day of your life a celebration of God’s providence and passion. God wants to teach you how to have an uncommonly amazing marriage, both by sharing his vision for married love with you and then giving you the grace you need to fulfill it. Will you let him? Let your lives be your “yes” to his invitation to love.
Chapter 4
At the Feet of the Master
Lessons in Love
“The family that prays together stays together.” Servant of God Patrick Peyton, C.S.C.
Living the unique vision of marriage we’ve described in the last few chapters doesn’t come naturally. Many of us didn’t witness this in our parents’ marriage, and we certainly don’t see it on television, in the movies, or on the Internet! The fact is, no matter how much you and your spouse love each other, there is a point in every marriage where every couple hits the wall — a point where it feels like all the human love you can summon on your own just isn’t enough to make it. In those times, couples need to plug into a power source that is bigger than both of them put together. They need to create a direct line that taps into the love that comes from God’s own heart.
In order to have any hope of succeeding at living out the radically different, deeply soulful, and ultimately transformative, free, total, faithful, and fruitful marital love to which we’re called, we are going to have to sit, together, as a couple, at the feet of the Master, and learn from him one day at a time. We’re going to have to learn to pray together as a couple, every day, about every aspect of our marriage and the life we are building together as a couple.
But Isn’t Prayer “Too Private”?
Many Catholics mistakenly believe that prayer is a private affair that is simply too personal and too intimate to be shared with one’s spouse, but nothing could be further from the truth. As Catholics, we believe that while prayer is certainly an intimate affair, and deeply personal, it is never private.
Even when you think you are praying alone, in reality, the entire communion of saints is praying with you! Prayer is always a communal activity. As the Catechism tells us,
