he needed to express himself more engagingly.
He often used humour to explore difficult conversations he was having with different colleagues, and he could laugh at himself. Although he didn’t change his communication style overnight, he did discuss wanting to spend more time in the top right quadrant ‘I am OK, You are OK.’ He also commented that he liked this new way of looking at himself and at others.
As our sessions continued, he told me that although he was still frustrated with certain people, and behaved in the same way as before, there were times when he paused and planned his conversations. He further noted that it wasn’t always easy to change, and that sometimes it was only after an interaction that he stopped to think. He commented that he had gone to his preferred Life Position which he identified as ‘I am OK, You are Not OK.’ He added that he didn’t care about getting different responses but he did care about being perceived as an ambassador at certain times. He therefore only occasionally changed his behaviours when in front of selected people.
What he liked about these models was that he had increased his awareness, and that he now had a clear choice about how to communicate. He also added mischievously that there were some people who frustrated him so much that he wanted them to be aware of his frustration, and that he didn’t believe that some deserved the effort it would take for him to change.
It is important to note that, although coaching increases self-awareness and choices for clients, it is up to them to determine how far that change will go and the extent to which they wish to modify their behaviours.
To further investigate the domain of emotions, see Dan Newby’s two chapters on emotions in Part III: ‘The Heart of the Matter: A New Interpretation of Emotions’ and ‘Getting to the Heart of the Matter: Emotions-Centred Coaching.’
Coaching insights and summary
When clients are focusing on the models, they are less self-conscious, more relaxed, and each time they use them they feel more comfortable to take deeper dives and explore the challenges they have.
TA used in a coaching context also provides the coach with a powerful opportunity for increased self-awareness whilst reflecting on coaching sessions. The models can help the coach think about what could have been done differently that might have supported the clients even more effectively, thus providing further learning for the coach and improvement of future coaching sessions.
The TA tools can support a powerful way for the client to be present and help them to disassociate long enough to gain new perspectives. By gently nudging them to tell you which quadrant or which Ego State they are in, in a given situation, you simply and non-judgementally stay curious and interested, and ask questions.
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Connect with the Author
So, are you ready to take the plunge and dive deeply with your own coaching practice? I really hope so, and if you have any questions or feedback, I would be delighted to hear from you at [email protected]
References
Eric Berne, Games people play: the psychology of human relationships (Ballantine Books, 1964)
Eric Berne, What do you say after you say hello (André Deutsch, 1972)
Franklin H. Ernst Jr., Transactional Analysis J. 1:4 October (1971)
Richard Erskine, Relational patterns, therapeutic presence: concepts and practice of integrative psychology (Kanac Books, 2015)
Thomas Harris, I’m OK you’re OK (Avon Books, 1966)
Anita Mountain and Chris Davidson, Working together (Gower, 2011)
Ian Stewart and Vann Joines, TA today (Lifespace Publishing, 2012)
CHAPTER 3
THE TRANSFORMATIONAL IMPACT OF ACTIVE LISTENING
Colin D. Smith
Active Listening is widely acknowledged by top leaders and coaches as being fundamental to their business and personal success. It is a skill that can be learned and embodied into the way we lead, manage and coach. When our clients, colleagues and employees feel deeply heard, they will be more willing to share their deepest challenges, needs and concerns. As a result, the business will gain more engaged, motivated and higher performing individuals and teams, transforming into improved results.
Covered in this chapter
• How the Relationship Journey builds trust, engagement and stronger personal relationships with your peers, employees, clients and suppliers, and especially those closest to you
• The 7 steps on how to actively listen to your clients
• The difference between hearing and listening
• How trust is built step by step
• How to create a safe place and how to use it with good intention
• The 12 elements of Active Listening
• The value of appreciation
• Simple Active Listening tips and exercises to include in your practice
INTRODUCTION
Why Active Listening?
Why is Active Listening so important, and why this chapter? Active Listening is at the heart of achieving transformational change with our coaching clients, as well as being the foundation of all our relationships, both at work and personally. A coach who is able to listen effectively builds deep levels of rapport and presence with a client and is able to tease out and work with the deeper elements that make sustainable change possible. These include a client’s beliefs, values, emotions, ways of being, and identity.
The journey within, therefore, begins with focusing one’s conscious attention sufficiently to be able to have a meaningful conversation. The key to this is to build trust through listening and holding a clear positive intention.
Active Listening is vital and life changing and is the starting point for:
• Developing more meaningful relationships
• Building deeper connections with your clients
• Enabling clients to express themselves more freely
• Giving clients space and time for more creative and original thinking
• Supporting clients to experience greater self-awareness, confidence and presence.
We are not trained to listen
We listen more than any other mode of communication. We listen 45% of the time compared to writing 9%, reading 16%, and speaking 30%. Yet we have little or no formal training in listening, that is, how to listen effectively, what to listen for, and the benefits of listening in business and in our everyday relationships.
We speak and think at different speeds
We speak at
