We feel silenced, act silenced, and our systems and domains are compromised.
In our earnestness to understand things in life, people will often oversimplify. When I have presented the topic of female leadership silencing at conferences, attendees sometimes ask questions like, “Is this about a lack of confidence?” Or, “What’s the difference between feeling silenced and feeling bullied?” And my favorite (. . . not really), “Are these women behaving like victims?” The answer to that last question is a resounding NO!
The other questions of what this may be similar to or different from gets back to understanding distinctions. Sometimes things can look very much alike but be different. Yes, of course, there are elements of confidence at play, but this is not just about building confidence. Sometimes it can be about bullying—but not always. So, before I say more about what it means to be a silenced leader, let me explain what it is not.
Not a Victim Mindset
Some people enjoy playing the victim and like the idea of being rescued. We all know these people, and collectively, our tolerance for their behavior diminishes over time. A damsel cannot really be saved if she enjoys her distress too much.
In case you are wondering, there are no damsels in this book or my research. The women I studied were not choosing a victim mindset and believing everyone else was at fault. Participants at times did describe feelings of victimization as a result of silencing, but the last thing they wanted to do was stay in this mindset and operate from that space. I have never met women more eager to be successful and authentic at the same time.
As a society, I believe we have lost sight of what it means to be a victim. A victim is someone whose rights are violated; someone who is injured or harmed. Sometimes it is a crime, or often it is an encounter that leaves a psychological injury. Victims do not choose it, see it coming, or welcome it. When we are victims of something—this is not a sign of weakness.
There will always be that one—or perhaps a few—who are empathy and rescue-seekers. I am sure some women who are silenced may relish and roll around in the victim mindset. However, it is habitually wrong to believe or suggest that women are bringing on this silencing condition and are using it to their advantage.
Bullying
Feeling silenced is not just about getting bullied. Not every silencer fits the profile of what we have come to know as a typical bully. A bully is a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those perceived as weaker. In professional settings, many can find themselves feeling bullied by the silent (cold shoulder) treatment, having their time disrespected, or having their work sabotaged and unacknowledged. This behavior can undoubtedly lead to viral silencing, but there is more to it than just bullying.
The women in this research described their silencers as often unknowing. Sometimes it was intentional and done by people with perceived power. Other times, women felt silenced by group dynamics and systems that were incessantly bold but unconscious. We cannot say to women in leadership who feel silenced, “Hey, just address this like an adult bully and put distance between you and them, stop acting like a victim, and take a stand.” That approach is too simple! When you are in an executive role surrounded by leadership complexity, it is a disservice to provide quick tips and advice that may work in specific examples but not all.
Confidence
Women in leadership will undoubtedly experience a dip—but this is not just about a loss of confidence. Yes, that happens when someone feels silenced, and I would argue that the women in my research described the loss as a symptom but not the whole of the experience. Kay and Shipman describe confidence as a matter of choice—it is volition. In their book, The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know, they describe confidence-building habits and how genetics may play a part.[1] Just as everything is not always about silencing, it is equally valid that everything is not always about confidence. When we are confident, we believe in our capability. There is a sense of trust or certainty in the truth of something.
I can be extremely confident in one area of my life and be lacking in another. In theory, confidence builds through repetition and encouragement. The more I write or speak on a topic; my confidence grows. The more I train for a marathon (so not me), my confidence in my stamina increases.
Sometimes we need an entire confidence makeover, and sometimes it is fine-tuning. I see a lot of young people entering the workforce and leadership with ingrained confidence. They have not had too many setbacks yet to question their ability. They charge forward with eagerness and confidence that is primarily based on the encouragement of others and their self-talk. When they hit that first setback, often they just need to rebuild in the area they experienced failure. Practice, training, or development is required.
When it comes to being an executive leader—who gets to practice? Unfortunately, rehearsal time is over! I do not know many executives who get a lot of do-overs if they say the wrong thing in a meeting or make the wrong high-stakes decision. Every choice is scrutinized, and every behavior matters. There is no test environment before you go live, and lower levels of leadership are not always preparing women for what they encounter in executive roles.[2]
The women in my research had varying degrees of confidence, and it did not always shift their experience when silenced. In fact, women with a strong sense of self-confidence were sometimes the hardest hit. They were stunned by silencing when it occurred and often did not know how to respond. Had someone just given them advice on increasing their confidence—it would have missed the mark. Sometimes all the confidence in the world will not save you from the curveballs of silencing.
Silencing is complex. When someone experiences viral silencing, they may feel victimized, bullied, and feel a dip in confidence. It is rarely just one of these things. It can be all three or more. What follows is a summary of what it is like to feel pervasively silenced. This describes the history of dozens of women I interviewed. I listened to over 100 hours of women describing their experience. From those interviews, I have captured a general summary. This description is intended to give insight into what it is like so that when you put down this book, you will have a better understanding.
This summary is not intended to represent every woman’s path, and some things are real for most but not all.
Her Profile
When a female leader feels silenced, she perceives herself as lacking in personal agency.
My sister is a successful real estate agent in Texas. She represents buyers and sellers in the transaction of property. Agency is a term suggesting that one can produce or act on behalf of self or others. As described in chapter 1, it includes an individual’s ability to make choices and then to make meaning from those available selections. One person may see few options in their circumstances, whereas another individual in that same situation may see multiple options. On a basic level, we are all our own agents. I can represent myself in any transaction I choose to be part of, or I can have someone be my agent.
Silenced female leaders often feel they are no longer entirely an agent of self when it comes to their leadership. Here are some examples of things I heard in interviews: An executive at a prestigious school district said, “I had nowhere to go. I mean nowhere.” A CEO of her own company put her silencing experience this way, “Being in situations where you can’t do anything about it; it’s such a helpless feeling.” A senior director in a nonprofit said this about her silencing, “I did not feel empowered in any way.”
This sensation
