together, the family recognized the early trauma damage, found ways to connect with Amy despite the damage and eventually developed ways to express love that facilitated Amy’s healing.
Old: The child will be filled with gratitude.
New: Because of early trauma, even the good things that I provide will be experienced fearfully.
When the child’s internal world does not match his external world, he will experience fear. A child with a N-IWM will experience a situation as ominous despite others not seeing bad intentions in either themselves or their parents. It’s like the fear you or I would feel while swinging from a trapeze as novices; the performer who slowly learned the skills growing up in the circus would not feel any fear at all.
Parents need to recognize their child’s fear and label it ahead of time. Until the hurt part of the child is healed or begins to heal, they will be scared by, rather than grateful for, any attempts to provide good things.
The new paradigm helps parents to be more reflective and forgiving about the child’s behaviors. Parents are encouraged to find alternative ways to feel good about themselves without expecting reciprocity from their child. Parents can be freed from the need for gratitude and from feelings of rejection, making them more emotionally available to co-regulate with their children.
Amy’s Family
James and Lori assumed that Amy would reciprocate their kind actions. None of the caseworkers explained why this would not occur. Consequently, they interpreted Amy’s actions as rejection and negatively reacted to her in turn. When the family began the new in-home service, Amy could not explain why she felt uncomfortable when receiving gifts. As the team explored Amy’s emotional world, they noticed that she would not talk about being sad or scared. But they recognized and interpreted her nonverbal behavior as “talking.”
For example, Amy deliberately tore a hole in her new jeans. She quickly responded that she did not want these jeans. But what was she really “saying?” In this way, she could avoid feelings of fear or looking good and having good parents. The tearing reduced any feelings of loss to zero and ripping the jeans evoked anger in her, an emotion with which she felt more secure.
But without the paradigm shift, James and Lori interpreted Amy’s behavior as: She’ll destroy things just to get more; she doesn’t appreciate what we do for her; we’ll go broke trying to make her happy; she thinks she’s entitled to anything she wants and we don’t supply good enough things. All of these inferences caused fear in James and Lori. Without the paradigm shift, families succumb to the Downward Spiral. With training and practice, James and Lori were able to stop asking Amy why she did the things she did. Instead they would define the experience through the trauma lens and label her fear.
At first, Amy was angry in response. “That’s not what I’m feeling!” But with constant repetition she began to recognize and tolerate more vulnerable emotions. She went from “I know what you’re thinking” to “it makes sense but I don’t like it” to “when will I stop feeling this way?” It was calming to be able to anticipate feelings and behaviors. The family members felt better about themselves and were able to enjoy their relationships.
Old: The child has negative motivations and intentions.
New: My child’s problematic behaviors are motivated by the need to feel less afraid.
Until parents believe that all of their children’s problematic behaviors are motivated by want of safety, the healing cannot begin. With the new paradigm, “Why can’t he earn a contract reward?” is answered with, “He doesn’t trust the person who created the contract” or “He does not feel he is competent enough to complete the contract.” “Why does he say things like that about me?” is answered with “He doesn’t trust me.” By recognizing the damage of early trauma, parents will have an alternative explanation for the child’s misbehavior. “Parts” theory can help the parents to understand that the “hurt part” of the child is behind poor behavior, while they look to foster development of the “healthy part.” The concept of “parts” also helps the child to become reflective about self and parents and thereby able to ponder whether they may in fact have benevolent motivations, too.
Corey’s Family
Corey had an answer for everything. If someone brushed up against him or he fell, he claimed “abuse.” He complained that his parents overheated his food and caused him to burn his mouth. Some bruises from a recent fall led to a Child Protective Services investigation. When he accused Danny and Rebecca of inflicting the injuries, they could not understand why he lied. What did he have to gain? He must really hate them. The parents fell victim to Corey’s N-IWM, as caused by traumatic experiences at the hands of his birth parents and possibly also by prior foster parents: He was bad and adults were dangerous.
The new in-home service’s staff answered the “why” questions. Corey’s early life experiences taught him that he was not valuable, that adults were dangerous and that the world was unsafe. He needed to keep himself safe in every situation. His internal monitoring system was always set on “red alert.”
Treatment focused on psychoeducation regarding trauma, attachment and development and on helping the parents notice signs of anxiety in Corey. Their “homework” was to share personal emotional experiences. The family became more aware of fear and sadness. The other children understood how their behaviors spread fear throughout the family when they were reacting to Corey’s fear. Corey was uncomfortable when others seemed to recognize his emotions before he did. The family began to enjoy sharing their daily experiences at dinner. Instead of attacking Corey for his lies, they gave him space and told him his unhealthy part was making decisions. As the family completed their homework in helping Corey notice his emotions and talk about theirs, he relaxed. Gradually the family learned to handle fear better and accept comfort when sad.
HOW IS THIS PARADIGM SHIFT ACHIEVED?
In the previous section we detailed six traditional foster and adoptive parenting tenets. Each family will adhere to the tenets in varying degrees. But a change to the new paradigm is necessary for successful parenting of a traumatized child. How can the Trauma Lens Paradigm Shift be achieved?
Shifting paradigms is hard work and requires education, resources, support and guidance. Parents must have a team of friends and professionals with whom to share responsibilities and from whom to get stress relief. We will address development of the treatment team in the next chapter. We will proceed here as though the family has a treatment team.
Psychoeducation for the Family, Friends and Professionals
The Emotional Cognitive Trauma Model (ECTM) begins with the Two Babies Narrative, a description of how two babies develop opposite internal working models. One baby has an attuned primary caregiver with “good enough” parenting.11 The second infant’s caregiver lacks attunement and responsiveness. This caregiver may hurt the child or allow others to do so. The narrative identifies how the IWM affects relationships, decisions and behaviors and increases understanding of where emotions come from and how the trauma damages were done. It enables the reader to feel empathy for the birth mother and sets the stage for future “reframes.”
The ECTM: Two Babies Narrative leads to the parent’s ability to make the following paradigm shifts:
1. A reframing of current events and behaviors through the Trauma Lens, by linking current behavior to the early abuse or neglect.
2. Thinking of the trauma damage as a “hurt part.” The hurt part is not the whole child. If
