loss of their conviction that their parenting of their adoptive child would require not much more effort than that of their birth children and accept that they will have to put in long, hard work requiring constant attention and active learning.
Danny and Rebecca gained access to a new in-home service. They told the team about their flourishing birth children and how difficult it was to parent Corey. They said with a combination of sadness and frustration that unless this new service could “work magic,” other placement options might become necessary.
3. My Child’s Problems Are a Reflection on My Parenting Skills.
Once parents feel they are competent and have a “We can do this” attitude, the child’s persistent poor behavior may eventually begin to feel like a flaw in their basic parenting skills rather than the persisting aftermath of early trauma. Parents then routinely perceive others as judging them when their child misbehaves. Well-meaning friends, family and sometimes strangers just as routinely suggest that the parents should be more loving or more strict. Schools often reinforce this belief when the child is problematic. Eventually the parents begin to worry that the child’s misbehavior is reflecting badly on the extended family—grandparents, aunts and uncles.
Sally’s Family
Jane needed to have someone to talk to about Sally’s behaviors: someone to listen, have empathy for the problems she was experiencing, brainstorm solutions and validate her experience of the difficulty. Yet every time she called her sister, she regretted the call. Her sister would begin a tirade about how Jane had had no parenting experience and should never have adopted Sally. Her sister clearly interpreted Sally’s poor behavior as proof positive of Jane’s lack of parenting acumen. Jane could not turn to her parents for moral support—her mother considered worrying a virtuous badge of honor! Jane felt alone. Her sister, like so many others with no understanding of early trauma in children, fell back on the simplistic notion that good parents don’t have poorly behaving children.
Sally’s school staff eventually called Child Protective Services after Jane continued to insist that Sally complete her homework even if it took four or more hours per evening. This intervention instilled even deeper in Jane’s heart that she was an incompetent parent.
Parents see and hear blame from many sources. They feel directly accountable for the child’s misbehavior. They are the ones who must pay damages for property destroyed by their children. They are the ones who must pay truancy fines. So once again, the child’s N-IWM is reinforced rather than confronted and challenged. Eventually, more and more of the parents’ energy is dissipated in the service of defending against the perception that they are bad, that they are the problem. Almost inevitably and ironically, their constant efforts to “look good” are seen by others as proof of their inadequacy as parents. Jane had never imagined the scenario of forcing her daughter to sit at the table for over four hours in an evening to finish homework, but only inadequate parents have children who do not complete their homework!
4. All the Child Needs Is Love.
Parents desire to love a child and perceive that the child will respond to their love. They are convinced that enough love will enable the child to grow and flourish. After all, “All you need is love” and “Love conquers all” ooze abundantly out of our daily diet of songs, books and movies. Often agency workers convey that the child’s core problem is not having been loved enough in his birth home or in prior placements. This further bolsters the parents’ conviction that their bottomless spring of love will make the difference. Parents inflicted with unrelenting fertility problems and desperately wanting a child may be even more susceptible to this fallacy.
Amy’s Family
Lori was so happy to be a mom. She could not have loved Amy any more than she did. She was pleased to start her workday early so that she could transport her daughter to soccer practice in the evening. She worked overtime on Saturdays to pay for the expensive bike Amy wanted. If Amy needed a little “extra picking up after” from time to time, it was all worth it. After all, doing things for others demonstrates love via sacrifice. Surely, Amy will feel loved and will reciprocate. But then, why did Amy tantrum nightly and destroy property and threaten to hurt her mom? Eventually Lori had to halt all her outside interests. She spent all of her time and energy “filling Amy’s love tank.” She became exhausted, lonely and resentful. Lori began to feel like a failure. Her love was not healing Amy. Maybe Lori’s love was even making Amy worse! But thinking it not enough, Lori was determined to try to show more love to Amy every day.
Because there are books upon books written on ways to express our love, the belief that all our child needs is love will result in a burnt out, exhausted, emotionally bankrupt parent. With each new expression of love the parent strives to provide, the parent experiences rejection, failure and condemnation when the child’s behavior does not change. The impact of early trauma is present but unrecognized, rendering the child incapable of accurately understanding and feeling the loving actions. As parents repeatedly experience rejection, exhaustion and condemnation, the relationship begins the Downward Spiral, the end of which is that nobody is experiencing love in the relationship. Again, the child’s N-IWM is mirrored and reinforced.
5. The Child Will Be Filled with Gratitude.
It seems so logical that a child from a deprived environment will be thankful for a new home and family. We evaluate ourselves as parents and can realistically list all the positive opportunities and items that we can provide for a child. We naturally believe that the child will experience them as positive and be grateful to us for them.
Human communication and interaction undergird the principle of reciprocity. We give and receive. We expect to receive based on what we give. When we work hard, we should be paid well. When we provide good gifts, we should receive gratitude. But consider this analogy: Can you express gratitude to a serial killer who offers to take you to dinner? The N-IWM of traumatized children forces them to view their parents as scary and hurtful. Therefore, even when parents give them good things—like the serial killer springing for dinner—the children experience discomfort. Their N-IWM actually produces a fear reaction to the good things the parents are providing, seeing the kind gesture though a lens of suspicion and mistrust, resulting in some sort of wary, guarded response, if not an outright hostile one.
Amy’s Family
James and Lori knew that Amy had suffered years of deprivation. Their hearts ached when thinking about Amy’s missed experiences. They decided to “make up” for those years. At first it was a delight to be able to buy her all the most hip styles and brand-name clothes for which Amy expressed interest. Who could blame her for wanting so much after having so little? But Lori noticed over time that Amy’s “thank you’s” became fewer and more perfunctory. She did not take care of the clothing, tearing or staining items or giving them away on a whim. Lori became angry and reduced her spending on Amy. Amy resented this “deprivation” and, in screaming fits, also blamed Lori for her not fitting in at school.
James brought home a new toy for Amy every Friday. It would be a family thing, something they would remember later in life. Amy usually played with the toy briefly and then relegated it to the cavernous box of ignored toys. That is, if the toy were put away at all. Usually it was just left wherever it dropped. Lori always reminded Amy to thank her dad for the toy. Finally one evening Amy griped that she did not ask for the toys and they were not even the ones she wanted. She said she was just being nice by playing with them, so that Dad would not be angry with her.
The child driven by a N-IWM will commonly declare that his new bicycle is not the best bike on the market and find fatal flaws in it—“It’s not good enough to do the jumps. What a piece of crap!” The child will “fulfill the prophesy” by “accidentally” stripping bolts with excessive
