new reality. As psychiatrist Steven Wolin points out on www.psychologytoday.com, it is “possible to be hurt and rebound at the same time. We human beings are complex enough psychologically to accommodate the two.”
What about my client, the CEO? It's several months later now. He's gone through denial and anger, and is moving from bargaining and depression to acceptance as he begins to receive nibbles regarding a new job and to experience the benefits of not working a hundred hours a week anymore. “I've got time for my daughter, finally,” he exclaimed the other day, “and to do some things I love that I haven't had a chance to do for the past five years.” At some point you, too, will discover a light at the end of the change tunnel.
Cultivate Both/And Thinking
It's possible to both feel bad and move on. It requires that we practice both/and thinking, rather than either/or: “Yes, I feel terrible about losing my house and I can make where I'm renting as pleasant as possible”; “Yes, I made financial mistakes and I'm still a responsible person.” Cultivating the ability to hold both beliefs helps us to experience our feelings and rebound, and is one of the foundations of wisdom. Life—and our self—is just too complex for us to get trapped in either/or. So whenever you catch yourself thinking either this or that, challenge yourself to think both/and.
CHANGE TRUTH #6
You're More Resilient Than You May Think
She'd never considered herself to be the kind of person who was cool in the face of crisis—and yet, you never knew what you are capable of until you arrived at that given moment. Life was just a whole string of spots where you continued to surprise yourself.
—Jodi Picoult
“I can't handle this,” Susan cried about her daughter's dwindling college fund. I know how she feels. When I think of the changes I've had to deal with in my life—having to lie flat in bed for a year due to back pain, going through a devastating breakup, dealing with the financial meltdown of my company, not to mention all the ups and downs of the life of an entrepreneur—there have been many times when I honestly doubted my ability to live through another second. And yet here I am, and so are you. As the philosopher William James pointed out, “Great emergencies and crises show us how much greater our vital resources are than we had supposed.”
We're all survivors of our own lives. You've dealt with changes you never anticipated or wanted, and despite your best efforts there are no guarantees you won't have to keep on doing it. (A friend of mine has had his house burn down twice, proving that life is definitely not fair.) Despite it all, you're still here! You've made it so far, and that's pretty good evidence that you will continue to, even if some days you don't know how. You and I both have resilience.
According to the American Psychological Association, “Resilience is the human ability to adapt in the face of tragedy, trauma, adversity, hardship, and ongoing significant life stressors.” It used to be believed that resilience was something certain folks had and others didn't. Studies of recent events such as 9/11 and soldiers returning from Iraq have revealed that resilience is actually quite common.
It isn't just experts who underestimate our survival capacity. We're all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I'd been married for fourteen years when, out of the blue, my husband, who was also my business partner, announced our relationship was over. I honestly believed I could not survive emotionally or financially. But here I am, seventeen years later, thriving in a different career and marriage, infinitely more confident in my ability to take care of myself. That's the amazing thing about change. Some of us do everything to avoid it. We doubt our capacity to live through it. Yet when it arrives on our doorstep, most of us are able to reach deep into ourselves and find the inner strength to strap on a sturdy pair of shoes and walk toward the light.
Research by psychology professors Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun shows that not only do we have the ability to grow through the challenges of our life, what they call posttraumatic growth, but also the benefits of doing so include improved relationships, new possibilities for our lives, a greater appreciation for life, a greater sense of personal strength, and spiritual development. Not bad rewards, I'd say.
So how do we cultivate resilience? Psychology professor George Bonanno of Columbia University and other resiliency experts say it comes from a commitment to finding meaning in what's happening to you, a belief in your capacity to create a positive outcome, the willingness to grow, and the choice to laugh and be grateful.
When I work with myself or someone else who's going through a change they are struggling with, I always ask two questions, the first being, what could possibly be right about this? That helps us to find meaning and to grow. Positive psychologists call it creative construing, the ability to assign a meaning to what we're going through that pulls us into the future in a positive way.
The other question I always ask is, what in your life or yourself can you be grateful for right now? As an author of books on gratitude, I've been awed by its power to uplift and focus us on what is still right, good, and whole in our lives. The other day, I was introduced via mail to a seventeen year-old named Lauren. Lauren has lived in twelve different foster homes since she was eight. When she moves from place to place, her possessions fit in one plastic trash bag. She's about to “age out” of the California foster system, with no place to live, no money, no job. But she's happy nonetheless. Because when she was ten, she lived with Mommy Jean. Mommy Jean gave Lauren a rock and told her to carry it always in her pocket. Each time she felt it, she was to think of something she was grateful for. Every day since, no matter where she lives, Lauren's been touching that rock and finding things to be grateful for.
The man who shared Lauren's story sent me a small rock for my pocket. If I could, I would hand one to you right now—not only to help you practice gratitude but to remind you that, like Lauren, you can survive the changes life hurls your way.
CHANGE TRUTH #7
Your Future Is Built on a Bedrock That Is Unchanging
Through anger, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are picks its way.
—Walt Whitman
Tom Heuerman is an organizational consultant who knows a bit about change from both a business and a personal point of view—he writes openly about the lessons he's learned from recovering from alcoholism. Recently he wrote about the qualities of sustainable organizations: they “continually adapt to the external environment . . . [and] have a core identity of purpose (why they exist) and values (guiding principles) that provide stability and continuity as all else changes over time.”
What struck me is how much what applies to organizations also applies to individuals. AdaptAbility occurs from the same unchanging bedrock.
Perhaps bedrock is not the only apt metaphor. Biologists know that one of the qualities of a living system is that it is able to respond and adapt to change without losing its basic integrity. Take a cell, for instance. It has a semipermeable membrane that allows things to flow in and out, while maintaining its “cellness.”
So it is with you. There is a “youness” that is unchanged, what Walt Whitman refers to as “what you are.” A core that will remain no matter how much and how well you adapt. To understand this, it helps to differentiate between who you are as a person and your behavior. To adapt, your behaviors might need to change, but your essence as a person
