parents practice unconditional love. They don’t threaten to disown their children or change their locks if somebody comes home with a nose ring. (True story.)
How to Make Sure You’re Killing It
Talk to your child self. One thing you can do, if you have leftover childhood tapes playing loops in your brain and getting in your way, is to dig up an old photo of yourself as a kid. Tape it to your mirror, keep it in your wallet, or snap a photo of it on your smartphone. Now comes the fun part: Talk to yourself as a child. Go back to those moments when your parents or other trusted adults said or did something to you that created a wound in your life. Pretend that you have come upon a child crying over those very things, and comfort the child. Tell the child that it is not their fault, and that they are not worthless, they are not doomed to be alone for their entire life, they are not only worth something if a man loves them. Give the child your love, and understand that it wasn’t your fault.
Act like Spock. This was one thing I did when I started to distance myself from my mother. I just acted like I was an alien or researcher on an investigative mission, observing my mother’s behavior through the lens of someone who didn’t have a history with her. I was able to keep my distance and avoid getting worked up emotionally over things she said to me, because I had this researcher hat on instead of letting her get to me with her not-so-subtle criticisms.
Decide on your boundaries. What you will accept from other people is up to you. If they can’t listen, kick them out of your life. Spend some time deciding what you will and will not accept from people, especially your parents. If they’re still calling you a childhood nickname you don’t want to go by, tell them. If they insist on calling you the name even though you’ve asked them not to, they’re violating a boundary. It’s a small boundary, but it’s a boundary just the same. Communicate your boundaries and stick to them.
Do your homework. Reading books about toxic parents and childhood abuse can be extremely helpful in understanding the ways your childhood experiences shaped your behavior as an adult. I’ve been reading books like this for over five years and still uncover something new with each new title I read. Some of my favorites include Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, and Daughter Detox by Peg Streep.
There is no such thing as perfect. You might cut contact with a parent or family member and then end up running into them, having to see them at a family event, or otherwise initiating contact again. This doesn’t mean you’ve screwed up or you have to start all over again. Go back to the level of contact that feels good for you and don’t worry that you didn’t do it perfectly. You’re fine. You’re doing awesome.
Chapter 3
Millennials Are Killing the Workplace
“Did Millennials Kill the 9-to-5 Workday, or Just Point Out That It’s Dead?”
—Entrepreneur, March 2016
“Working with Millennials is the worst”
—New York Post, September 2016
When I applied for my current job, the woman who would become my new boss wrote me an email inviting me for a phone interview. She happened to mention that the company offered flexible scheduling and work-from-home days, which she correctly assumed would be a big draw for me, since the job included a hefty commute. I spoke with her on the phone, and we already got along great before I came in for my in-person interview. I left the building feeling confident and super-excited.
Then I hit a deer and totaled my car on the way home. I decided to take this as a sign to keep moving forward, rather than a sign that this was a terrible job for me. Like the Universe was saying, “You sure about a new job, buddy? That’s a real long commute.” Alas, the pull of the quirky college town, along with the fact that I negotiated a pretty bitchin’ salary raise over my previous role, were enough to sway me with very little arm-twisting.
When I started the new gig, I asked with some anxiety and hesitation if it would be okay if I went home at four instead of five, so I could leave while it was still daylight. Winter’s short days are a giant downer anyway, even if you haven’t recently crashed the car you’ve had for eight years right into a buck. My manager, still super-excited to have me on board and assure me that the deer was not a sign of my impending doom with the company, readily agreed.
Even though some employers grumble about the entitled Millennials wanting flextime and work-from-home opportunities, it turns out that flexible schedules aren’t that hard to offer employees! And the employees really appreciate it! Who would have thought, right?
There’s been an explosion in flexible schedules in what used to be standard nine-to-five workplaces, including perks like telecommuting and flextime. It’s not just Millennials taking advantage of these growing trends, but of course the responsibility rests with us if you listen to the media headlines, like the one from Entrepreneur referenced at the head of this chapter.
A 2014 survey at Bentley University reports that Millennials “believe that flexible work schedules make the workplace more productive for people their age,” and workplace research tends to back this up.18 Forbes and Inc. report articles linking flexible schedules to improved employee morale and productivity. In fact, work-life balance and company culture makes a bigger impact to Millennials than salary itself.
Check out some of these stats:
• “Millennials would take an average pay cut of $7,600 if they could improve their career development, find more purposeful work, better work-life balance, or a better company culture.”19
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