in adulthood. They found that “a history of emotional abuse and neglect was associated with increased anxiety, depression, posttraumatic stress and physical symptoms, as well as lifetime trauma exposure.” The conclusion of their study states, “Long-standing behavioral consequences may arise as a result of childhood emotional abuse and neglect, specifically, poorer emotional and physical functioning, and vulnerability to further trauma exposure.”12
Another study highlighted a connection between childhood abuse/neglect and personality disorders.13 Specifically, researchers found that emotional abuse was a significant predictor of borderline personality disorder, and all forms of trauma (sexual, physical, and emotional abuse) were predictors of paranoid disorder. Emotional abuse of boys correlated to self-mutilation.
Simply put, an emotionally ignored child is likely to have any number of negative outcomes and maladaptive behaviors as an adult. Children who were raised with emotional abuse face two dangers when raising kids of their own. They may repeat the cycle, having never experienced a healthy example, or they may swing so far in the opposite direction, in an attempt to be different, that they end up stifling their children in a completely different manner with the same result. Of course, it is also possible to learn healthy coping skills and break the cycle.
I’ll Never Let Anything Hurt You: The Engulfing Parent
You might think at first glance that being attached at the hip and making sure to be engaged in every aspect of a child’s life is indeed more loving, effective, and helpful than being outright neglectful. However, the over-parented child often has similar emotional upheavals and feels just as lonely and ignored. When a parent is there to make every decision, to catch every fall just before it happens, the child never learns to crawl, walk, run on their own. They never have a mistake to learn from. Subsequently, they feel lost and confused when they finally leave the nest.
The engulfing parent may take on the responsibility for the child’s social life and activities, which may range from mildly controlling to outright projection of the parent’s own unachieved desires, later foisted upon the child whether they want to participate or not. These are the pageant moms, the bequeathers of family businesses, the sports enthusiasts who argue with umpires. Did they ever ask the child what they wanted to explore?
Rebecca reflects on a difficult childhood and an overbearing mother who attended middle school dances and even a job interview with her:
At the time, I didn’t know any different. We had just moved from Los Angeles to Eugene, Oregon, and I had only been to private Christian schools. This was my first time going to public school, so having my mom, twin sister, and disabled brother tag along [to the dance] seemed normal. Once I got to high school, I realized it wasn’t normal. Neither was my home life.
I don’t think I really understood my home life until I started going to public school. I was raised in church and church schools and had a very sheltered childhood. My parents divorced when I was ten and that’s when my family moved to Oregon. I’m the youngest of seven and my oldest siblings made it hard to be a teenager. Instead of asking or taking an interest in my life, my mom assumed that I was repeating anything my older siblings had done. I rebelled in high school and was sent back to private school. I moved out when I was sixteen and it took a long time for me to learn to be on my own. My mom always made important calls for me and I still have anxiety over talking on the phone.
My mother going to my first job interview with me was embarrassing. I didn’t want her there and I think she answered more questions than I did. Obviously, I didn’t get the job.
I even think the way I parent has been affected. I don’t want to be my mother, but sometimes I can’t let my three-year-old be a three-year-old. When my child plays with things that can make a mess or lead to any possible injury, I stress out and start to hover. My husband has told me more than a few times to just let it go and take a step back. I didn’t see my childhood or my mom in a bad way until I moved away from her, and even then it took many years.
This case is more extreme than the typical helicopter case would present, but a surprising number of people in my social circles had similar stories about overbearing parents. Engulfing parents may behave this way because they were ignored as children and want their children to have a better childhood. They may have their own anxieties that cause them to be overprotective or overinvolved. But, to quote Dory from Finding Nemo, “You can’t never let anything happen to him…then nothing would ever happen to him!”
The over-parented child grows up to be an overachiever, because their childhood was full of activities and it’s the only way they know to live. Or they grow up to be a self-saboteur, because they’re so tired of having everything planned out and they never want to feel like they are in the spotlight ever again. Children of overbearing parents may develop anxiety (I’m not actually as great as Mom thinks, someone will find out I’m faking), depression (I’m so tired and I can’t try anymore), substance abuse problems (I don’t even know who I am, maybe something can help me), and eating disorders (to be anything less than perfect will destroy me).
If the parent isn’t outright controlling and pulling the social strings, they may be overparenting as a helicopter parent. Just as Millennials have their share of HuffPo and Buzzfeed articles, so do the children of overbearing helicopter parents. Of course, many times these groups are one and the same.
“The parents of most Millennials are either Baby Boomers or, for the younger Millennials, Gen Xers. This need for verbal approval and reinforcement correlates with the way detached parenting was normalized in the 1960s and ‘70s, when Boomers grew up. As a result of not being babied or supervised themselves as children, as well as cultural shifts in parenting norms through the progression of technology, these generations overcompensated in their involvement with their Millennial children.14 Thus, “helicopter parents” were created.”
—Ilana Bodker, How Baby Boomer Parents Molded the Millennial Generation
Adult children of helicopter parents often call their parents for advice before decisions. Not just big decisions about buying a home or getting married, but any decision or question, like how long something is supposed to go into the microwave or thinking about changing a hairstyle. They’re also often perfectionists who have an almost pathological need to achieve more and more, but these achievements are more likely to make their parents feel proud or satisfied than the actual person doing the work.
Unfortunately, and very confusingly, helicopter parents of adult children will try to become friends or buddies with their grown kids rather than maintaining a healthy psychological (or even physical) distance. While it can be comforting knowing that Mom and Dad are just a phone call away, it’s not always healthy. In ages past, when a young adult graduated high school and started college, their parents would drop them at the dorms with their books and their duffel bag before scooting on home and sending a letter or two before seeing them for a semester break. These days, we have email and Facebook and cell phones and parents can keep tabs on their kids, even though they’re no longer “kids,” from afar, in an instant.
In a 2013 study at California State University, Fresno, management professors Jill C. Bradley-Geist and Julie B. Olson-Buchanan explored the consequences of helicopter parenting.15 In their review of existing research, they found studies indicating a positive correlation between helicopter parenting and anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem…in two- and four-year-old children (emphasis mine). Also discovered was a correlation between helicopter parenting and neuroticism and dependency. Helicopter parenting is also associated with recreational use of pain medications and taking prescription medication for anxiety and depression.
To
