mindfulness to become more impartial and less reactive to the thinking reflex that is the Inner Critic.
Part 1: Mindful Thought Disbelief
Thoughts, emotions, and perceptions aren’t necessarily reality. Choosing to believe thoughts is what gives them power, even though it frequently doesn’t feel that way. Remember thoughts aren’t facts. There’s a fantastic bumper sticker that reads, “Don’t believe everything you think.”
Rather than trying to force yourself to think positively, do this:
Accept that your mind will produce negative thoughts, which you don’t have to believe.
When you’ve done that, your mental follow-up to inner critical thoughts could be “Thoughts are not facts” or “I can watch this thought without having to respond to it.”23
By creating the extra buffer of the awareness of choice, we maintain better control of where we focus our mental energies, and therefore, what we think and consequently, believe.
Part 2: Acknowledge and Observe
Instead of trying to ignore, fight, suppress, or otherwise control your thoughts and feelings, use mindfulness and look at them as if you were looking at the thoughts and feelings of another person outside
of yourself.
Ask yourself these questions:
Would you react the same way to your own thoughts and feelings?
Would you judge those thoughts or feelings or be more objective about them?
Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, but instead of getting wrapped up in them, look upon them with calm interest.
And then, with the same level of detachment, watch as they pass on and others take their place.
Part 3: The Inner Critic is a Brain Event
Research shows that when patients viewed disordered thinking as “events of the mind” rather than as truth, a different region of the brain fired up, which reduced the risk of relapse.24 We will do the same with inner critical thoughts: we will think of them as “brain events” rather than the truth about ourselves or a situation.
This impartiality avoids igniting the circuitry associated with self-critical thoughts. It allows us to see situations and ourselves within them more clearly, providing much-needed perspective and insight. By thinking differently about our inner critical thoughts, and seeing them less as the truth about us and more of a habitual protective reflex of the mind, we can then begin to dismiss these thoughts as products of an over-active network or as circuitry that is misfiring, and again, we choose not to respond or react to them.
When your Inner Critic comes up, instead of getting wrapped up in the thoughts of self-judgment, self-criticism or self-doubt, you can think this to yourself:
“Oh, my brain is doing that Inner Critic thing again.”
“My Inner Critic circuit is running again.”
Then shift your attention back to what you are doing.
This simple practice will prevent you from activating the emotions that were the typical response to these thoughts. By doing this, you can divert the whole thought cascade that used to happen would be diverted.
By thinking differently about the thoughts that previously caused you no end of angst and consternation, you will effectively suppress activity in the part of your brain that regularly generates those self-critical thoughts.
Awaken Your Compassionate Self
“Self-compassion can melt away your Inner Critic.”
— Sandra Bienkowski, writer
In place of self-criticism, we need to actively begin to practice the opposite: self-compassion. Self-compassion is taking our natural capacity for sympathetic concern for others and turning it toward ourselves; particularly during moments of feeling inadequate, disappointed, and suffering. Self-compassion is realizing that self-criticism is the enemy and then acting to reverse its deleterious effects. Research has shown self-compassion to be “a key antidote” to toxic self-criticism.25 In fact, it is probably the most powerful tool in our toolbox to reverse a tendency to self-criticize.
If you’ve been in the practice of regularly using harsh self-talk as a motivator, you may be concerned that amping up your levels of self-kindness and compassion will make you lose your “edge,” leaving you a lazy and unmotivated slacker. Despite our ability to spend a weekend (or several) binge-watching Netflix, humans aren’t inclined to idleness. In fact, our natural tendency is to be engaged and to work. In her book, Reality is Broken, author Jane McGonigal says that humans prefer challenge to boredom and that “we prefer productivity to dissipation.”26 Ironically, self-criticism can actually hold us back from reaching our goals;27 instead, reassuring ourselves through self-kindness and self-compassion motivates us to attain them.
Self-compassion is a critical element in our ability to properly care for ourselves emotionally. Writer Sandra Bienkowski puts it this way: “Living without self-compassion is like driving a car you never take in for regular maintenance. Eventually your car won’t work right and it breaks down.”28 As a tool and practice for maintaining our emotional equilibrium, it has an impressive list of benefits. When we’re feeling inadequate, self-compassion helps us to feel more secure and accepted by activating our innate care-giving system and encouraging the release of oxytocin.29 It decreases insecurity, self-consciousness, and the tendency to compare ourselves with others, and increases confidence through building our belief that we are worthy and capable.30 It lessens depression and anxiety,31 and as a result, gives you back energy formerly spent being down on yourself. It can foster emotional resilience and mental toughness and shore up inner strength and courage. Self–compassion helps to increases levels of calm and even joy.
Still not sold? Self-compassion also strongly correlates with achieving mastery in your field and optimal performance.32 Additional benefits of building up your level of self-compassion are that you will have higher standards for yourself, work harder through enhanced motivation, and take more responsibility for your actions, and you will have more “grit.”
But here’s the coup de grace: practicing self-compassion helps us to unblock and express creativity, which enables us to access higher levels of creative thinking and creative originality.33 Self-compassion enables us to nurture our creativity instead of stifle it.
Yes to all of this! This dizzying array of the benefits of self-compassion is precisely what we need when our Inner Critic has worn us down.
Self-compassion has two parts: the first is making a conscious effort to stop self-judgment. The second is to actively comfort ourselves, the same as we would a friend in need. To see how the mechanism of self-compassion works, do this: Think about how you would feel toward and treat a dear friend – especially if your friend came to you seeking support during a difficult time in life. What feelings would you extend toward your friend? What would you tell your friend? What kind of language would you use to comfort your friend? Envision this whole scenario playing out in your head. Now take note of and mentally record those feelings and messages. This is your self-compassion template: how you will now treat and talk to yourself in place of self-criticism. You will now treat yourself with the same kindness and care with which you would treat a friend.
How do we put self-compassion into practice?
