relating of self-compassion, our goals are to become sensitive to our distress, understand the roots of our distress, have empathy for ourselves, and finally view ourselves and our situations without judgment.34 It’s self-compassion that we will use to develop empathy for the distress we’ve experienced due to the Inner Critic.
The Inner Critic is a purveyor of emotionally damaging messages. Having an overzealous Inner Critic doesn’t feel good – in fact, it hurts. You and I know that there’s nothing enjoyable about being in the throes of an Inner Critic episode. The first step in beginning to break the Inner Critic reflex through self-compassion is to acknowledge how hurtful it has been all of these years. The constant barrage of negative self-talk and self-criticism wears away at our sense of self and confidence. The original core directive of the Inner Critic was to protect, but the true consequence of its limiting messages is the slow and steady disintegration of our being.
The second step is to upgrade our self-talk. The primary way to put self-compassion into action and start being kinder to ourselves is through changing our self-talk from being critical to being supportive. The trick is to use sympathetic rather than chastising language when we talk to ourselves. Then we reframe our inner dialogue so that we express empathy for ourselves and our circumstances. Through this two-step approach we can begin to silence the Inner Critic.
Self-compassion and mindfulness make a great team: mindfulness is actually one of the keys to self-compassion. Mindfulness gives us the space to treat ourselves with kindness. When we improve our mindfulness skills, we automatically improve our ability to be self-compassionate.
When it comes to banishing the Inner Critic, the combination of mindfulness and self-compassion pack a one-two punch as far as quieting self-critical thoughts, which is why the two are the foundation of our process. Mindfulness increases awareness, enabling us to begin to dismiss the thoughts that thwart our creativity. Then through self-compassion, we can replace these hurtful thoughts with supportive ones.
Self-compassion paves the way to self-acceptance. Ironically, it is in fully accepting ourselves as we are that we open the space for change in our lives. We will transform the dynamic of the Inner Critic by replacing the threat of toxic self-criticism through generating feelings of warmth and compassion. Instead of continuing the habit of beating ourselves up, we will comfort ourselves instead, reassuring ourselves in the face of profound self-doubt. Finally, instead of discounting our creativity and thereby blocking it, we will start to respect and nurture our powerful creative selves and create the space to let for our creativity to flow.
When you start building up your compassion muscles, you’ll see that they’ve always been there at the ready to direct concern not only toward others, but also toward yourself.
Purpose: To better understand how self-compassion is different
What are the differences between self-esteem, self-indulgence, and self-compassion?
Self-Esteem is about feeling good about yourself in relationship to others. In the face of pain, self-esteem would have you feel better because you convince yourself that you are still doing better than other people. Negative outcomes of high self-esteem are ignoring or denying stress, pains, and disappointments, and putting others down.
Self-Indulgence is about catering to your whims without true regard for your well-being. In the face of pain and discomfort, self-indulgence would have you distract yourself away from your discomfort or numb it without acknowledging it.
Self-Compassion is about feeling good about yourself and caring for your well-being. In the face of pain, self-compassion has you give yourself empathy, nurturing, and kindness. While self-pity says, “feel sorry forme,” self-compassion remembers that everyone suffers, offering comfort in response to suffering.35
Purpose: To begin to cultivate compassion for yourself
After years of being hard on yourself, you can attest to the fact that with criticism, instead of gaining a sense of comfort and safety, deep down inside, you end up feeling just the opposite.
When we feel kindness, understanding, acceptance, and support from others, it activates our soothing innate caregiving response, and our systems are infused with oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. As a result, our feelings of trust, calm, connectedness, and safety also increase.
Not only that, but when we feel accepted by others, our ability to generate warmth and compassion for ourselves increases as well. Practicing self-compassion eases the sense of threat produced by the Inner Critic and helps create a feeling of being protected.36 It follows that if we feel a sense of acceptance by others, then we can better generate compassion for ourselves.
I think of this as “compassion by association.” We’re going to use a technique called a compassionate reframe37 to trigger this mechanism of using the feeling of compassion to proffer self-compassion. This exercise is adapted from the “Perfect Nurturer” approach developed by Deborah Lee.38
Part 1: Use the Self-Compassion Template
When you feel yourself starting to think inner critical thoughts, take a moment to close your eyes.
Become aware of your Inner Critic’s thoughts.
Then shift attention to your breathing to get grounded in your body and in the present moment.
Then using the self-compassion template described earlier, focus on putting yourself in a kind and empathetic mind frame.
Part 2: The Embodiment of Warm Support
Close your eyes again. Think of a person who will be your creativity cheerleader. It could be anyone: a supportive family member, a religious or historical figure, or even a beloved fictional character.
From this point on, this person will represent your ultimate ideal of caring, support, and encouragement. This person radiates the qualities of strength, wisdom, and acceptance without judgment. Imagine that this person wants the absolute best for you and does not wish to see any hurt or harm come to you.
To fully envision this person who is the embodiment of warm support, employ all of your senses to firmly embed the image and feel of this person in your head.
What does this person look like?
How is this person dressed?
What does his or her voice sound like?
How do you feel when this person gives you kind messages of support?
Is your support person accompanied by a pleasant smell like baking bread, freshly cut grass, orange blossoms, or the sea?
Focus on your cheerleader having an attitude of caring for you and extending feelings of warmth towards you. It may help to recollect feelings of warmth you’ve experienced from others in the past and then draw upon that sensation.
When you are in the midst of mentally beating yourself up for some perceived misstep, invoke your Creativity Cheerleader. Ask yourself, “What would my cheerleader say to me right now?”
Imagine your cheerleader telling
