as healthy human beings. Thus he could interpret Sister Bernardine’s illness as penance for his congregation’s sins, rather than the almost inevitable result of overwork and tension. Prayer was recommended for Sister Augustina’s depression, but not the time and space which she must have desperately needed.
What other conditions helped to influence Sister Bernardine cannot be known at this time. Whatever they were, she became absolutely convinced that life at Conception was not for her, and that God was calling her to do something else. She wrote frankly of her decision to Mother Gertrude.
When I left Maryville, at the behest of the superior, to go to Conception for a time (or apparently for good) I was encouraged by the thought that by this act the two houses would become more closely united to each other. But it turned out otherwise. Instead of coming closer to Conception, I am now taking steps to remove myself from it entirely, though still bound to the community in sisterly love. . . . It was God Himself who led me to determine not to renew my vows at Conception, through an interior call. Day and night I am haunted by the thought, “You are not in the place God wants you to be.”25
She expressed her loyalty to Maria Rickenbach and Engelberg, and her willingness to accept their authority. She had confided in Father Adelhelm with the hope that he would persuade her otherwise, but she only became more convinced that she should not, and could not, renew her vows at Pentecost, as she was expected to do. She would rather leave her religious habit behind, beg for a living from door to door, than commit herself to Conception. “Since I do not feel called to Conception, I would not want to be there, even dead.”
In the end, Sister Bernardine did renew her vows for Conception on July 11, 1877, in obedience to Abbot Anselm, rather than out of conviction that it was right for her. As her spiritual director, he admonished her that her call to Maryville had to be tested by her willingness to obey. For this reason he asked her to renew her vows to Conception for one year, and she complied, admitting that it was in the name of obedience. She noted, speaking of Abbot Anselm, “Apparently he has influenced the superior because now and then she treats me kindly.”26
Summer vacation brought a slight respite, but did not close the breach between the two houses nor heal the personal suffering of the sisters. Again, the interference of the monks added to the confusion and resentment. Abbot Anselm renewed the appointment of Mother Anselma as superior of the Conception Convent for another three years, with the assurance that he would not remove her as long as he lived. Adelhelm saw clearly the implications of this appointment. He indicated to Mother Gertrude that it would have been better to let the sisters make the selection, or at least not to tell Mother Anselma that she would be their superior for life: “Very probably nobody else would have been elected, and love and confidence would have excluded envy or antipathy that might creep up after some time.”27 He added that it was not really his business and his remarks should be considered confidential. Whether Abbot Anselm believed the sisters to be incapable of selecting their own superior, or whether he thought that Mother Anselma’s authority would be enhanced and her confidence strengthened by his decision is unknown. Ordinarily one would expect that the superior of Maria Rickenbach would make appointments for branch houses, but that did not seem to be the case here.
On July 11, the Feast of St. Benedict was celebrated with a picnic at Conception. The sisters made the tedious journey from Maryville for what turned out to be a puzzling and disconcerting experience. The sisters discovered that all of them were to renew their vows on this day. Apparently, this was in recognition of the reappointment of Mother Anselma, since a renewal ceremony had taken place on Pentecost, just a few weeks earlier. According to Sister Bernardine, “It made a melancholy impression on me, for it seemed as if all the sisters were fulfilling this holy act with a certain constraint and pressure. All day long I saw no true cheerfulness among the Sisters.”28
Even their return to Maryville was viewed with suspicion. Mother Anselma had given the sisters permission to remain at the mission over the summer months, since the cooking and church work still had to be done, and there were children coming for instruction in German. Conception Convent was crowded, and the sisters asked for the additional time at Maryville to prepare for classes, even to get in firewood for the winter. However, when the sisters piled into the wagon with Father Adelhelm at the end of the picnic day, they were reproached for not remaining longer at Conception. Adelhelm noted that he could not understand why they were given permission to return to Maryville, and then made to feel guilty for doing so. Sister Bernardine tried to make amends by offering to stay at Conception as long as Mother Anselma wanted her to, but apparently the harm was done, and the misunderstanding left hard feelings on both sides.
Adelhelm tried to explain the situation to Mother Gertrude in Maria Rickenbach. His analysis was that Mother Anselma feared Bernardine’s independence, and had even remarked that Maryville did not need a superior. She limited the amount of money Bernardine could spend, and attempted to keep her in a dependent position. Adelhelm, as might be expected, was convinced that this would not work. He argued that if Mother Anselma would give Bernardine authority and jurisdiction in Maryville it would solve their problems, and “the Sisters would not have anything against Conception and would stop talking about independence.”29 This was probably an insightful but oversimplified view of what was happening.
Sister Bernardine continued to teach and work in Maryville, and to act as superior of the community there until she departed for Oregon in 1882. The rectory served as convent and classrooms for another four years, and tensions and difficulties persisted. Changes of personnel sometimes relieved the situation, and sometimes aggravated the difficulties. A part of the problem was the conviction on the part of Mother Anselma that Father Adelhelm and Sister Bernardine were determined to establish a separate mother house, and to remove themselves from her authority entirely. This might indeed have been the case. In a letter of January, 1878, to Mother Gertrude Leupi in Maria Rickenbach, Father Adelhelm suggested that she give permission to start a novitiate for English-speaking girls in Maryville, since the sisters in Conception (and especially the superior) had not mastered the language.30 He also urged Mother Gertrude to make the trip to America to see for herself.
The problems of earning a living, learning a new language, and adapting to a different climate were severe enough. Added to that was increasing distrust between Conception and Maryville. Sister Scholastica compared the two houses in a letter of November, 1877. She said the work was easier at Conception, but prayer was better at Maryville. Moreover, the countryside around Maryville was more appealing. She had personal reasons for preferring the branch house because there she was permitted to sing, and even to take lessons so that she could play the harmonium. At that time she appreciated the guidance of Father Adelhelm.31
This rosy picture of Maryville changed somewhat as time went on. Father Ignatius Conrad, having had enough of his brother Frowin’s Beuronese ideas, rejoiced to be sent to Maryville to work with Father Adelhelm. Eventually Sister Scholastica and Father Ignatius appeared to take sides against Father Adelhelm and Sister Bernardine. At times the children under the sisters’ care became a part of the controversy.32 Who was spending too much time with whom, who could take students into their rooms, who was sick and who was malingering, all became topics of conversation and letters to Switzerland. Abbot Anselm, still directing from Engelberg, suggested appointing Adelhelm spiritual director for the Conception convent, thus trying to bring some understanding between the two houses and relieving himself of the burden. Mother Anselma objected in language that, for her, was vigorous.33
In January, 1878, Abbot Anselm officially transferred the direction of the Benedictine Sisters in Missouri to Father Frowin Conrad.34 The same month, Adelhelm wrote to Mother Gertrude Leupi, urging her to come to America to see conditions for herself.35 Sister Bernardine had also invited her “beloved Mother from Maria Rickenbach,” but Sister Anselma had advised her not to accept the invitation, arguing that “Bernardine aims too high.”36 Abbot Anselm judged that “Bernardine sees things too black.”37 That restlessness pervaded the house in Maryville is indicated by the fact that in March, 1878, Sister Scholastica begged Abbot Anselm to allow her to accept Bishop Martin Marty’s
