Soul and the Marriage
People need other people, relationships, and if they’re deprived of human contact for long—for example, through forced isolation—they suffer and, in some instances, markedly deteriorate. Communication is the food on which relationships exist. It is the medium in which they grow. Humans have been expressly created for psychospiritual communion with other human begins, for what, in a church context, is often called fellowship. When people communicate, which they do in countless ways, it’s as if they’re performing a kind of mind-meld. In a limited way, they’re temporarily allowing at least one other person to read their minds.
We cannot truly know another person’s mind without permission. Perhaps we can make good guesses, inferences based on what we observe, and a few gifted psychoanalysts15 have demonstrated a remarkable ability to do this. But, regardless of how skilled we are at this, we remain in the position of having to guess.
If Sally moves slowly, looks down, and tears up, we may assume that she’s sad or depressed. But even here, we may get it wrong. Sally may simply be repositioning an irritating contact lens. To know with certainty what another person is thinking or feeling, he or she usually has to tell us, which presupposes candor. Once such self-disclosure occurs, the person will have contributed sustenance to the relationship. And, in response, we’re likely to contribute some relational nourishment of our own.
Some people suffer from what I have described elsewhere as emotional aphasia.16 Aphasia is the medical term for a number of language disorders. A requirement for the diagnosis of expressive aphasia is that the person was previously able to use language, for example to say words, but now has trouble doing so. I use the term metaphorically, so it is not so much that the person has lost the ability to express emotion, but that he or she may never have developed it in the first place. Such people have rarely been able to put their thoughts and feelings into words, have little ability to enrich any relationship beyond mere subsistence, and feel comfortable only with those who are similarly bereft of expressive capacity.
Men are more likely than women to suffer from emotional aphasia. Sometimes, however, women also demonstrate it. Whether male or female, such people may be otherwise bright, even gifted, but they cannot, or in some instances out of fear will not, put into words what’s going on inside their minds. And so, they provide few nutrients to sustain a relationship. Their marriages tend to suffer and die of communicative malnutrition.
Importance of Clear Communication: Digital versus Analog Messages
Until the invention of digital media such as MP3 files, all recordings were analog. This meant that they routinely contained a certain amount of distortion, which was often unavoidable. With the advent of the digital age, it became possible to produce near flawless recordings. The goal in a marriage is to communicate precisely, which implies more directly and with less interference from extraneous noise. Communicating clearly is an art that is acquired neither quickly nor easily.
If you think of what it takes to learn how to cook well, or consistently return a ball in table tennis, you can understand how mastering the art of clear communication requires practice. Learning to say exactly what you mean can take years, which is what is usually required to develop strong expressive skills. Doing so also takes courage.
There lies within most, if not all, of us the desire to make ourselves look good and avoid criticism, and so we tend to slant what we say to create the most favorable impression. Putting this starkly, we all have at least a slight tendency to lie, to shade the truth, especially to our spouses. This is because we have so much at stake. Later in this chapter, I will return to the subject of lying to one’s spouse, and emphasize why this is not a good idea. Here, I’d simply like to encourage you to make it a personal goal to communicate within your marriage as courageously, candidly, and caringly as you can.
If you find it hard to put into words what’s in your mind—if it’s difficult to think out loud—make it your objective to acquire this ability. Further developing your expressive skills may be among the most potent tonics you can give to your marriage. It’s also one of the best insurance policies against either of you drifting off into another relationship.
Keep at it. Expand your expressive vocabulary. This will take time, but with persistence you’ll gradually increase your emotional fluency. An easy way to start would be simply to say out loud, when you’re alone, what you’re thinking and feeling. Try it! You might be amazed at how quickly you’ll learn to put into words what’s going on in your head.
Communication as a Marital Foundation
Another way to view communication is as a foundation. Providing for a spouse’s basic needs, like housing, food, clothes, transportation, and affection can certainly strengthen a marital foundation. But, as many people have found out to their surprise, this alone may not be enough to ensure that a marriage will endure. Apart from a common bond in Christ, the most powerful way to ensure a solid base on which to build any marriage is to say what you think and feel, and to listen when your husband or wife does the same.
Without developing the kind of shared mind or consciousness discussed in chapter 1, the foundation of your marriage is likely to be weak and, sooner or later, may wobble and falter. When the storms of adversity come, which they inevitably do in the lives of just about every couple, your marriage is likely to shake, shudder, and shift. Like homeowners who discover that their houses were not as well anchored into the hillside as they’d assumed, you may find that your marriage has crumbled.
Like the wise man in the parable (Matt 7:24–27), build your marriage on the solid rock of connecting. If you do this, the two of you will probably survive whatever hardship comes your way. Without communication that enhances connection, you may win the lottery and still end up in divorce court. In a marriage characterized by clear and loving communication, however, you might very well go broke and remain happily married.
When Anna and I have faced hard times, and there have been many of them, we’ve often said in one way or another, we’re in this together. I seriously doubt we’d feel like this if we hadn’t spent so much time, through the years, communicating.
An Indicator and An Influencer
Communication, whether positive or negative, both reveals and shapes the nature of a relationship. First, it’s an indicator, a kind of index or barometer. Nowhere does this reveal itself more clearly than within the up-close-and-personal domain of marriage, which can turn out to be either an asylum or an adventure. From the vantage point of eternity, it may turn out to have resembled heaven or hell.
When people are dating and getting to know each other, they are typically on their best behavior. After a while, however, they may no longer treat each other with the same consideration and graciousness they did during their first few weeks or months together, and they may occasionally let their irritability slip out. Still, their treatment of each other usually remains kind and benevolent. Because of the stress and tension that goes into planning a wedding—all those details!—they may argue before the ceremony, but they are likely soon to get over this in its afterglow. Even after they marry, both may continue for a while on their good behavior.
It’s often not long before things start to change. The wife, who assumed she’d married a charming and understanding prince, may discover that he is sometimes an unpredictable and tyrannical toad. Or, maybe just that he’s beginning to gain some weight around the mid-section. The husband, for his part, may be surprised that his wife is not always as diligent as he’d assumed. Or that she doesn‘t always look as attractive as she did at their wedding.
Now the games begin. How they now treat each other reveals a great deal about them as people and about the infrastructure
