or wife.
• Then, I’ll ask you to express this appreciation.
• We’ll consider male and female differences and, along the way, mention a few realities that may surprise you.
• Others have written about languages of love. If you express your love in a mode that your spouse does not value, it will do little to strengthen your marriage. My intent, therefore, is to help you discover and use modes that will be most effective in your marriage.
• We’ll try to determine if you’re making incorrect assumptions about what your husband or wife wants or needs.
• Most if not all couples engage in conflict. For some, it takes the form of minor complaining, of nipping at the heels of a spouse. For others, it assumes the nature of all-out war. Regardless of where conflict shows up in your marriage, we’ll discuss some principles you should follow to prevent conflict from becoming destructive.
• I will encourage you to think of marriage as an ongoing negotiation, which implies that it would be good to know how to negotiate effectively and why doing so works for the benefit of both spouses.
• We’ll candidly discuss sex. There are some things you should never say to your spouse, and of course things that he or she should never say to you.
• I devote an entire chapter to why resentment is the lethal emotion, and why it’s pivotally important not to let it build up.
• We’ll briefly touch on humor—when to use it, and when not to.
• I’ll point to what I consider to be basic statements that every man and woman may want, and perhaps need, to hear.
• We’ll consider how best to offer support to and for your spouse.
• Near the end of the book, I’ll encourage you to develop a marital compact.
• I’ll then ask you to subscribe to that compact as a solemn and sacred act.
• I’ll conclude by sharing what I believe to be seven keys to enjoying a happy and fulfilling marriage.
If you ask people to describe their careers, most will tell you about their jobs. As suggested above, I recommend that you turn your marriage into a career. It is probably the most important one you’ll ever have. Unlike formal careers that may be cold, lonely, and competitive, marriage is the one in which love and companionship can be ever-present. There need be no competition, only cooperation, working together toward a set of common goals. Chief among them is to glorify God through your marriage.
I’d like to propose a thought experiment. What joy would it bring you to be wealthy or famous and own a large luxury yacht with the latest amenities, if you had no one with whom to share it, no one you loved and who loved you? Spending time on it might soon feel empty and depressing.
A great marriage is an exhilarating adventure. It need never become stale and it’s filled with incredible possibilities. Seize them.
6. Although his works remain controversial, I first encountered the idea of a sin principle, decades ago, in the late Watchman Nee’s Normal Christian Life.
7. This was roughly the title of a weekly television program featuring sermons by Lloyd John Ogilvie, then Senior Pastor of Hollywood Presbyterian Church. Ogilvie later became Chaplain of the United States Senate (1995–2003).
8. See McLemore, Honest Christianity.
9. Despite how people sometimes talk in casual conversation, nothing can be very unique—it either is, or is not, one of a kind.
10. Peck, The Road Less Traveled.
A Woman’s Perspective: Anna’s Response to Chapter 2
If you fully enter into a marriage, chances are it’s going to be a wild ride. How could it be anything else? You’re bringing together two people, blending two lives to make one.
The question is whether that ride will be wild in a way that’s exciting and enriching or in a way that’s draining and disheartening. Will it feel like an adventure, or more like a burden?
If you want it to be an adventure, this will mean fully facing the more difficult aspects of building a life together. You have to learn to steer around the pitfalls this book addresses, such as these: making killer statements, insults that damage a marriage quickly and deeply; dishonesty, which even in minor forms can change your relationship in powerful and painful ways; and many more that you’ll encounter as you make your way through these pages.
The chapter you just read includes the idea of marriage as an achievement, and for good reason. Making two lives into one, and keeping them that way, is hard work. It’s not for the faint of heart. If you’re not together on the things that matter most, your marriage’s chances of surviving, much less thriving, greatly diminish.
The first year of marriage can be an awakening. Even in the best of marriages, people stumble. You learn each other’s preferences, including ones you may not have been aware of. From holiday traditions to how you plan a trip, you bring together not only your own backgrounds and experiences but your opinions—again, opinions you may not have even realized you had. The better you understand how to work as a couple, the better you’ll be able to navigate these challenges.
Marriage is a dance, one that together you learn to choreograph. You aren’t required to copy the steps of another couple’s dance. You couldn’t do that anyway. Though there may be things in common between one marriage and another, and certain features are central to all marriages, your relationship is unique, a dance with steps that only you and your spouse can determine. Sometimes these steps are big and life altering, such as where you’ll live and how you’ll raise children if you decide to have any. Other times, they’re as small as how to squeeze a tube of toothpaste.
Clinton brings up the fact that, in our house, we use two tubes. But he didn’t tell you why. It’s because he’s particular about the toothpaste being squeezed from the bottom, and I like to be able to squeeze it anywhere I want. Rather than hash out how we squeeze a shared toothpaste tube, we each use our own. The two-tube solution has worked for over thirty years.
Those toothpaste tubes are our reminder that creative problem-solving has a central place in marriage. During our first year, we had plenty of challenges that came with learning to live as one. Dealing with the little ones helped us with the big ones later on. We learned to yield or compromise on issues when it counted. But, when it came to the little ones like the toothpaste tube, sometimes I just wanted to squeeze the thing from the middle!
Sooner or later, you and your spouse will find yourselves facing the question of what kind of marriage you truly want. And since it’s going to be a wild ride in any case, this becomes a very important one.
Chapter 3. Communication in Marriage
Love each other as I have loved you
John 15:12 (NIV)
Perhaps another way to render the meaning
