i now achieve, with God’s help,
will no longer be phenomenal, but expected.
being grown up can be scary. no more room
for excuses.
as a child in a conservative evangelical home,
truth was black and white;
life, cut and dried.
by the time i reached college,
i was self-assured about my stability
and wisdom to control
whatever rough spots came along.
there might be pain and struggle,
but God and i would come through.
i knew ann.
ann had foundation.
she was strong. now,
several years later, i’m amazed
at how poorly i sometimes came through
(certainly no blame on God),
and shocked at how confused i
was in situations i always felt
convinced i could handle.
today, truth does not stare at me
in black and white. at times
i find myself “seeking and searching with all my
heart,” and then taking a step and simply asking
God
to show me clearly if it is wrong.
i believe His love promises to do that.
a mind-boggling experience was, discovering,
suddenly, that all Christians did not have the same
interpretations of Scripture or life. strong
Christians!
with deep faith
and poised spirits that had been
mellowed by all kinds of tragedy and
years.
at a baptist convention i addressed, i casually
mentioned over dinner how much i loved the
theology of e. stanley jones. people
cleared their throats and coughed and mumbled
out negatives.
a long-time devout Christian woman
told me she thought sins of passion were more
forgivable than breaking of the sabbath–even
going out after church on sunday nights for
refreshments.
(lots of people in my church flock to restaurants on
sunday nights.)
admired Christian writers strongly disagree
with one another on various issues.
somehow, i grew up without realizing
that there is more than one way for married
partners to be unfaithful to each other. speaking to
a denominational meeting of my church, a man
told me how he had been persecuted for changing
over from the other denomination, charged now as
a non-evangelical.
as a young woman, i must internalize for myself
what i shall
live and die by.
i must open myself wide to God and decide
through all the varying feelings and opinions and
interpretations what is honestly right and real for
me, what will be true to my integrity.
no, life isn’t so simple now.
it can be complex and sometimes very frightening.
in my traveling i have met many people…
Christians… with seemingly impossible
situations. there are not a lot of easy answers.
sometimes i cannot even think of one. people call
for advice. i have no pat answers. i can share what
is right for me, what the Bible says about various
things… but i don’t know where people are
coming from, or all the wounded parts of their
emotions.
i cannot make judgments.
i don’t believe Jesus Christ asks that from
me. He wants me to listen. to give warmth
and love. to try and help a person grasp
God in his/her life and decide, through
God, what is truth for him or her. to
understand the power of total commitment.
but judgment, no.
i’ve not walked anyone else’s road; i’ve not carried
others’ crosses.
i’ve not felt their childhood. i’ve never crawled
behind their skin where hearts and minds beat.
only God has.
only i know me, and only God and i, alone,
know what place God has in my life… and if
what i say is honest.
often people talk of being afraid of God.
i’m
