be in the office before my arrival and who would arrive at different times later on. My work was far from boring, and with its many demands and responsibilities there wasn’t a normal routine throughout my day. However, despite this, the very nature of my work was the same each day and I would see the same faces almost every day.
You are probably thinking by now that my journey home and the things I did in the evening were also habitual – then I would go to bed and start the routine all over again the next day. I hope you can see from my sharing this with you that for most of us the 95 per cent statistic regarding our daily thoughts is likely to be true, mainly because we do have set routines in our lives. This is not a criticism, as we need a routine to survive in our busy world. What is at issue here is that we have limited capacity, and apparently limited capability, to process new thoughts in our minds because of this ‘routineness’. Whilst for some this may not be a worry, personally I have great concern about this statistic playing out every day for me and I ask:
•where was my creativity?
•where were my new ideas?
•where was the opportunity to learn and reflect?
•where was the opportunity to put what I know into practice?
•where was the opportunity to challenge my perceptions and my version of reality?
I realised that I had to start to do something different to facilitate new ideas and thinking, and due to my everyday routine, this wasn’t going to be easy. If I was serious about being the best I can be, and was going to learn and grow, there had to be something different that I could do. In addition, I knew that my routine conversations were not being of service to other people and that there had to be a way that I could help them to break out of their ‘sameness’. It was then that I discovered the power of questions, and a passion for developing this skill, and supporting others in developing it, was ignited.
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CHAPTER THREE
The trouble with reality!
It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question. Decouvertes
It’s only during the past few years that I have started to think about the true nature of my thoughts. Previously, everything I thought and believed was supposedly true and I had never really questioned anything before. It rarely crossed my mind that what I read in the media or in books, or saw on TV, may not always be true, and of course, things that my parents told me as a child (apart from the existence of Santa), were absolutely true because my parents are good people.
During my late thirties, when I was undertaking training to become a professional life and workplace coach, I suddenly became aware of an amazing thing – beliefs may not be true. A fabulous insight that completely changed my world. Recognising that my reality is based upon what I think, and what I think may not be true, opened up a new world of possibilities for me.
It’s worth exploring this subject further so that you may gain more insight into an understanding of your own thinking, and why questions become even more important. Therefore, I’d like to spend some time in developing an understanding about beliefs and where most of our beliefs come from.
At an early age, we are exposed to influential people, and, given that our mind is like a sponge, we ‘soak up’ everything that we are told without question. We have no basis upon which to challenge or question, and most of our early beliefs come from our parents and close family members.
To give you an example, I found myself telling someone that I didn’t like the word ‘belly’ and preferred to use ‘tummy’. When I was questioned about my reason for this preference, I found that I did not have a good reason other than that was the word my mum had always used. How often do you hear yourself speaking and realise it’s not you talking, instead it’s one of your parents? We have so many unconscious beliefs that are driving our lives, but we rarely stop to question whether they are something we want to believe, or choose to include in our own reality.
In addition to beliefs being passed on to us, we are also influenced by other sources such as the media, our culture, workplaces, religion, and of course our own experiences. For example, if I put my finger in a flame then it will hurt and so I learn not to do this again. That said I used to believe that if I walked on hot coals I would burn my feet. Having undertaken a ‘fire walk’ several years ago without getting even the tiniest blister meant that this belief has been proven not to be true.
Some of our beliefs are formed and influenced in a manipulative way. The advertising world is well aware of this and will use powerful and persuasive techniques to influence our decision-making without us even knowing it’s happening. The suggestion that something like two out of every five children’s first word is likely to be a brand name is of great concern. No longer do they say “mama” or “dada” but things like “Nike” or “McDonald’s”.
I’m sure as I mention this you will recognise how frequently this manipulation is happening. When we are watching TV or listening to the radio we are bombarded by advertisements. Similarly, when waiting at traffic lights or watching sporting events, advertising appears on billboards and on electronic advertising devices, particularly when it is known that we have nowhere else to cast our gaze. When I recently dried my hands under an electric hand dryer, as soon as I placed my hands under the dryer, an advertisement appeared directly under my eye line. What will they think of next?
It can be quite concerning to become aware of how much our behaviour is driven by our beliefs. While travelling on a tram a few months ago a young girl aged about four years old and her mother sat near me. The little girl started to sing and it was beautiful to hear her voice. After a few minutes, a thought suddenly struck me – what would happen if I had started to sing? Whilst the very thought of it made me smile, as I don’t consider myself to be a good singer, I seriously thought about the consequences if I had begun to sing. Perhaps people would move to another seat, others might conclude that I was of a strange disposition, or that I was drunk. In any case, it is most unlikely that they would have appreciated my singing, and highly likely that I would be judged in a way that was not very positive.
Although it doesn’t worry me too much that I held back from singing on the tram because of our societal norms, it does worry me that there are likely to be other aspects of my life where, if I’m giving advice from my own belief system, I may be holding myself, or indeed others, back. This is where being conscious through better questions is important because we can start to identify what influences us in the choices we make and the way in which we live. Knowing what is the root cause of our decision-making gives us somewhere to go, not only in understanding ourselves, but also in challenging and
