I sat in the car, I felt a lot like Job in the Bible, who, after he was struck with sickness and lost everything he had, began to loathe his very existence and wish for death. My somber, desperate demand to God was much like what Job said in the Biblical book that was named for him: “God if this is the course of my life, I would rather die than to live!” (Job 10:11)
God’s response to my demand was surprising, to say the least. “There are forces that are working to destroy you,” I heard Him say. “But I have you in the palm of my hand and I see you. I will let go, if that’s what you really want.” That sobering statement shook me from my emotional stupor and made me realize that I had to make a choice. But instead, I challenged God further.
Like Jacob in Genesis 32:26, I began to wrestle with God about my desires for spiritual, mental and emotional healing, freedom, and authenticity. I demanded that my life be changed and that I be given a new name and a new sense of being. Three hours later, I emerged, triumphant, like the Psalmist David, declaring, “I will not die! I will live!” (Psalms 118:17).
All of this took place on that dark and devastating winter night in my car. The counselor never returned home that evening. One week later, I found out why she never showed. Just ten minutes after she had agreed to see me, she received a phone call that her son had been shot. He later died. The counselor’s tragedy prevented her from seeing me that night, yet it has allowed me to reflect many times on a very real fact: Often times it’s just between me and God, but I keep trying to include everyone else. We are so conditioned to look outside ourselves that we have become extremely reliant on external elements for answers or resolve. But many times it’s not for others to intervene — it’s between you and your God.
Throughout my own transformational journey, I’ve often challenged the notion of giving myself permission. Knowing my own torments, I wondered if it was even possible to manage the uncertainty, or hush the internal screams of self-doubt and fear. I’ve often wondered if it would really be possible to overcome my apprehension toward success and not pay another ransom to my self-saboteur. My response to these questions was, “Yes it is possible!”
Limitless Possibilities
The greatest wealth we have as individuals comes from living a life without limitations. “But Pennie,” you might say, “life is filled with limitations. We simply are incapable of doing everything!” You are partially correct. But let me clearly explain what I mean.
Over the span of our lives, we have learned a host of inhibitions that have caused us to betray our own purpose and quality of life. The price tag for this self-betrayal has been the unhealthy need for external validation and reassurance. In other words, the reassurance we desire from others is permission. But why do we need their permission to live our lives?
The truth is, we don’t. We have programmed ourselves to believe that we do. Many of us long for accolades and acceptance from our peers, family members, colleagues, and even our children. It makes us feel good and gives us great pride in ourselves and our accomplishments.
It stems from our childhood, when we smiled from ear to ear after receiving a compliment from our parents, grandparents, and teachers. Their words encouraged us, motivated us, and made us want more. Some of us didn’t get enough positive reinforcement growing up. Some of us did. In the scheme of things, all these things matter. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t thrive on compliments, even those who may never admit its necessity or benefit in their lives.
Think about this for a moment. Can you recall a time when you made a decision about something and then got someone else’s feedback BEFORE acting on it? I know I have. In these cases, we’re sometimes — though not always — subconsciously seeking permission from others. We want their reassurance to move forward.
Getting advice before making a decision is valuable, wise, and recommended. The Bible says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). So obtaining counsel is a good thing. After we have gathered the perspectives and recommendations of others however, it is ultimately we who must decide to move forward, postpone, or abandon the idea altogether.
The path towards self-permission demands that we trust ourselves and our judgment. Sometimes there is no right or wrong answer. Life is a learning curve. Not only must we learn to trust ourselves, but we must also learn to accept the responsibility of the outcome of our decisions.
The best decisions are based on our own perceptions and timing, not on someone telling us what we should or should not do. When we give ourselves permission to make decisions, we take ownership of our destiny. Win or lose, we must act on what our internal instincts tell us. Relying on the permission we seek from others may often cripple or limit the potential of our success in life, love, and purpose.
Never should a decision be made to impress or outdo someone. Yes, we all possess some level of competitiveness. In business, competition is the name of the game. But even in business we must exercise restraint, wisdom, and sound judgment.
If we remain solely dependent on others to give us permission to live, we will always be at risk of being slaves to our own self-doubt, and others will always have unfair access to the emotions and direction of our lives. Ultimately, it is unfair to us to continue living this way.
If you have been accustomed to pleasing other people or basing your decisions on what they think, the self-permission transformation will give you a whole new lease on life. In the beginning, some of the people you have become dependent upon may be offended by your newfound independence. Others may be relieved. Regardless of their feelings, move forward with confidence. After all, this is your life. Isn’t it?
Self-Permission Challenge
It’s been said, “Emotions (positive or negative) like themselves. They want to live on forever.” This means they will insert themselves whenever and wherever they can flourish. Letting go of the dumb stuff that triggers negative emotions is not the same thing as letting go of our emotions or our emotional selves. Our emotions are valid and are an expressed response to painful experiences. They also offer insight into what’s really going on in any given situation.
So, I’m not encouraging you to discredit the negative emotions you feel. And I certainly don’t encourage avoiding, rejecting, or repressing negative emotions. This challenge is more about dealing with the people and things that negatively impact your emotions. It’s about learning to manage and interpret these emotions so that they can benefit us.
Whether you insert negative past events into your thoughts or express them aloud, when you recognize that your conversation or thoughts have shifted from the present to the negative past ask yourself the following questions:
1.What was the purpose or intent of inserting my negative past into this conversation or this situation?
2.Was it truly important or necessary to insert them?
3.Did it strengthen or diminish me mentally and emotionally?
4.What positive words and/or actions would give me what I want (positive attention or support) without negative input?
Letting go of your emotions is not an option, but letting go of the dumb stuff is a process that can be learned. So start off slow by following the 5% principle. For example, focus on just one negative insertion at a time. Start with something small. Once you no longer have a need to insert the negative past into your present life, move on to another.
As I stated in the introduction to this book, there is no time span as to how long you work through this challenge. Don’t set any pre-determined results, or
