own way and into a more powerful state of being. The word I heard was “PERMISSION.”
It came over me with such conviction that I said aloud, “WHAT?” Then I heard Him say the most astonishing thing: “It’s because you won’t give yourself permission to see a better reality for yourself. To be, do, think, or expect anything different. You would rather live imprisoned by your weaknesses, fears and inhibitions than give yourself permission to live freely in your possibilities and divine potential.”
Taken aback by the whole experience, I responded, “Oh, my God — that’s it!” (In fact I said it three times). It made sense. I had never, ever given myself permission to be or do anything other than live under the influence of the negative conditioning or experiences that had dictated my way of life. I had rarely challenged the status-quo, and when I did, I was riddled with guilt and a host of fears.
I immediately began to feel a release in my mind, heart, and spirit. Joy overtook me and my tears turned into laughter. It was truly an “awakening.” I would finally be able to live free of the internal torment that had undermined me practically all my life.
Totally oblivious to the things going on around me, I looked up to find the flight attendant standing in front of me with another glass of wine. It was as if I had actually asked her for it, but I hadn’t. As though she was aware of what had occurred, she handed me the glass of wine and with a gentle, affirming smile she looked me in the eye and said, “Reality is never as bad as it seems — is it?” Before I could answer, she walked away. Talk about God making a point! I’m convinced He used the flight attendant that day to reinforce that the Universe would work in harmony with me once I gave myself permission to be and do things differently.
For most of my life I had felt all alone, but something had just happened. A switch had just been flipped to the “on” position and I realized God has always been there. He heard me! He actually heard me, and He did care after all!
For the rest of the flight, my heart and mind raced with excitement. I had a ton of questions about this whole permission thing. I wanted to know what it meant to “give myself permission.” Was this some kind of newfound freedom? Would it be a whimsical free-for-all, an excursion of self-absorbed indulgence, or something completely beyond what I could comprehend? And if so, how would I learn it? Would there be principles to follow, steps to take, and how drastically would my life really change as a result of giving myself permission?
By the time the plane landed, I was ready to move full-speed ahead with the notion of giving myself permission. That day I was determined to share this new epiphany with everyone I met! And so my journey into exploring the self-permission concept began.
Not really knowing how to give myself permission, I tried everything from chanting daily mantras and affirmations to fasting, to taking spiritual sabbatical, to attending psychological counseling. I practiced the laws of attraction and took advice from life coaches. You name it, I tried it. Yet, when the cloud of euphoria cleared, I realized I was no closer to understanding what giving myself permission really meant. In fact, I was still burdened by the destructive habits of self-doubt and apprehension. However, I clung tighter to the notion of permitting myself to do, be, and think differently.
In my quest to give myself permission, I came to understand that I had failed to consider the mental conditioning I attained while growing up. Up until this point, I had subconsciously reinforced this mental conditioning by giving into my fears and inhibitions. It was a mindset that relegated me to a life that was defined by the deeply-rooted restrictions and limitations set by others. There I was, contemplating the unthinkable — to go against everything I had ever been taught, and instead of seeking approval from others I would now be self-approving. I would be “consciously” making the final decision.
Because my perceptual and emotional foundation had been distorted by years of abuse and was in need of major renovation, I misinterpreted situations, had unreasonable expectations, and often felt hurt or disappointed by the outcome of my efforts. I was quick to assert my control, set unreasonable boundaries, and in some cases, be overly self-protective. Somewhat frustrated by all the time I lost in previous years, I wanted to rush the journey of learning to be more self-approving. Bad idea!
A complete novice, I did a lot of things wrong, like writing my first book too soon. It was my first major attempt to introduce this philosophy. While I meant well, I was quite naïve in my timing and my understanding. The idea was relatively new then, and I really needed to have practiced the concept longer so that my readers could benefit from my trial-and-error experiences. If you read my first book Giving Myself Permission: The Simplest Path to Successful Living, you might have noticed that some of my thoughts were fragmented and disjointed. For that I apologize. In my pursuit to understand, I gained a greater sense of respect for the experience and the action of giving myself permission, and learned valuable lessons along this journey.
Since the inception of this philosophy in 2001, I have evolved in my understanding of what it really means to give myself permission. My experiences have taught me so much more than I can present in one book. In this book, I maintained the original integrity and purpose of the first book. I have even used some of the original content, but I’ve integrated new lessons learned over the years. In this journey I have come to the strong belief that giving yourself permission is an absolute prerequisite to achieving anything of value and meaning in your life. Without it, little if anything is possible. I will go so far as to say that we can’t truly receive the fullness of God’s love, until we give ourselves permission to. This is a truth I have lived.
Attitude is Everything!
The philosophy of giving yourself permission is grounded in theoretical research and exploration. In the first part of this chapter, I explained the origin of the self-permission philosophy. In the remaining portion, I will lay out a model that will help you to develop a mindset for giving yourself permission in life, love and success.
In my attempts to practice self-permission, I discovered something else. I call it “self-work.” I define it as the intentional, sometimes unplanned, act of soul-searching — examining your motives and methods and then telling yourself the truth in order to make positive changes and better decisions in life. To make the necessary changes in my life I had to exert some real effort to find out first “what” caused me to act and think the way I did. The process I am about to share with you helped me to accomplish that goal.
Self-work involves making small mental steps toward change. In other words, you must adjust the way you think. First, you must acknowledge the truth concerning many areas and things in your life. Second, you must have the courage to re-evaluate the attitudes and perceptions you have about yourself. Third, you must permit yourself to let go of things, people, and situations that cause you to betray or sabotage yourself. I’ll get into the specifics of doing your self-work in the next chapter.
When I became serious about changing my life so that I could be successful, I had to make three mental shifts. I’ll also discuss each of these in the next chapter. One of the ways I limited my success was by failing to prepare mentally for the success I wanted. In most cases, people have to engage in a type of mental preparation before they begin working toward their aspirations. Failing to do so will always result in temporary success. In other words, a person may be able to attain the goal he or she desires, but is unable to maintain it long-term because their unconscious attitude or mindset doesn’t match their conscious wants.
Many of our failed attempts at success occur as a result of a restricted mindset. We all want to be successful, but we’re not all able to handle it once we get it. How many times have you heard rag-to-riches-to-rags stories about people who finally achieved the success they wanted, and one self-sabotaging act caused them to lose it all? It happens in business, relationships, and even personal goals like losing weight, buying a house, or letting go of defeating behaviors. For example, people
