friend, a leading psychotherapist in Estonia (a PhD, by the way), had come to know a gentleman by the name of Manfred Kets de Vries. Being one of the very few in the world who successfully merges the psychoanalytic approach with business and leadership, he was also a respected professor at INSEAD in France and one of the most prolific writers in his field in the world.
Professor Kets de Vries has a PhD and many other letters after his name. And I always want to meet, get to know and have a meaningful conversation with people who are the most successful in my field. So who better to ask than him?
Under the pretense of me getting a PhD, my friend called him. And, surprise, surprise, the professor did not say, “Tell Peep to pick up a few beers and come right on over to talk to me.” He suggested that I attend his INSEAD Executive Masters psychology program called Consulting and Coaching for Change.
My ego was a little bit hurt that Professor Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries, PhD, was not immediately available to receive Peep Vain, B.Sc., for a heart-to-heart discussion about the benefits of higher education. Also, his program cost a small fortune and took a year and half to complete. My immediate reaction was, of course, to say forget about it. I just wanted to have a conversation.
But then, with my ego deflated a little bit, I started to read about his program. It wasn’t a PhD, but it might be a step toward one, if that’s what I really wanted. And it was in fact really interesting. And it could serve as way to determine how much I actually would enjoy being in an academic environment again.
One requirement to be considered for admission was an on-site interview. With lots of curiosity but no real serious intent, I flew to Fontainebleau, France. To my surprise, I ended up having a very meaningful interview with one of the program directors. The interview had two outcomes. First, I actually wanted to attend the program. Second, I understood that a PhD was probably not my true desire. I wanted to accumulate a certain amount of knowledge that would be practical to me both personally and professionally. But I did not want to pay such a high price (in time, effort and money) for a process that I probably would not enjoy much for the reward of three ego-boosting letters behind my name.
Still, that year I decided to not attend INSEAD. But the next year I enrolled and ended up completing the coursework at the end of 2006. During that time I had many meaningful conversations with Manfred and other great minds. And the more I thought about it, the clearer it became that I did not want – and did not need – a PhD.
We often do not know what we want. We often do not understand the need behind the want. And we are often too busy to think about the subject altogether. Let me say also that I do hope you are able to discover what you truly want and need for a lot less than the cost of trip to France, not to mention the cost of a PhD.
But what if I still don’t know?
So what happens if “What do you really want?” remains unanswered?
Then you are more vulnerable to the influence of others and you allow them to passively or directly make your choices for you and also control your time. This can mean that you live a life that doesn’t really satisfy you and that you do things you’d really prefer not to do. You are then a prisoner of other people’s influence.
You become even more the prisoner of your past. I am mostly talking about the poor choices you have made in the past that have brought you to where you are now. If you don’t ask yourself time and again what you really want, then you will deprive yourself of an opportunity to reevaluate some past choices. And you stay prisoner to “past programming” that neither serves nor satisfies you.
And you will make more and more choices for the wrong reasons. You end up getting what you thought you wanted, but you feel empty. You could quietly ask yourself: “Is this thing really it? Is this what I really wanted?” Chasing the approval of others (which we thought we wanted), we miss out on love (which we really wanted). Chasing status may not give you the inner satisfaction that you really want.
And then really strange things start to happen. You start to feel that more and more the things you do are in the “have to” category. You feel like you are falling into a trap that you yourself have somehow set up. Your choices narrow. You start to feel that control is slipping away. You quietly start to accept that some of your past dreams will never come true. To really paint the whole thing in dark colors, you even feel that future has nothing good in store for you. And you give up and “start waiting for death to relieve you,” while still being a good person and doing all the mundane things other good people expect from a good person like you. These are the things that, when all put together, many people call life.
I very much hope that these dark scenarios are not familiar to you. But if they are, then don’t take it badly. Welcome to the club. Noticing the problem and acknowledging its existence is already half the solution.
Sooner or later it happens to all of us when life, without asking our permission, not so gently forces us to make a fast decision or even makes one for us. Like when you get fired. Or when you finally pass a threshold of being sick and tired of something and take a radical step, like abruptly ending a relationship. And even though you know that every bad thing ultimately turns into something good, it is still a poor consolation. There is a better way that takes less time, less trial and error and involves less pain.
That’s what this book is about. This book is about how to best understand what it is you really want. And how to get what you really want. And how to honestly enjoy it.
This book essentially asks you how your life would be if everything was just like you wanted. This book also asks what you can do today or tomorrow to work toward this change, and how to feel good about the things that are already good.
When you know what you want, then you are able to make better choices. You can more easily figure out what is most important for you and what is not. Then you can go about your everyday work and activities with confidence (and a lesser feeling of “have to”). Then you can compare your own progress with your plan and feel good that things are moving in the right direction at a good enough pace. And even when progress is poor, you can change something to get yourself back on track. Only when you have a target and when you keep your eyes open will you have a real shot at hitting the target.
Getting what you want
If you are able to decide what you want and devote your energy to it, you are very likely going to get it. Of course, it’s critical that the object of your desire is something you truly want. As priests are fond of saying, “Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.” I suggest that you take some time on a regular basis to think about it. I’m not suggesting you sit down every morning and meditate over the question, What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? For me, the time when I think about these issues is when I jog. Some like to meditate, some like to walk by the sea, some like to drive, I like to jog. Whatever works for you is fine, though sitting in a room with the TV playing and your children climbing all over you is not an environment conducive to productive thinking. So get out. Be alone. Then ask yourself these three questions to analyze and get an inner sense about a possible want:
1 Why do I want this?
2 Do I believe it’s possible for me to pull it off?
3 What is the “price” of what I want, and am I willing to “pay” that price?
Let me give you an example of a question – a want – I struggled with a few years back. It was an invitation to participate in a TV show. Just like in many other countries, we have a BBC-licensed TV show in Estonia called Dancing With The Stars. Famous people are paired with
