these issues in any meaningful way. The authors support every adult in his or her right to engage in any solo or mutually consensual (and legal) sexual activity or experience that provides pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment. We do not believe that we or anyone else has the right to judge what turns someone on or how a person pursues sexual activity, as long as that person’s choices do not violate the intrinsic rights and safety of themselves or others. Our work is not focused on what is ethically, religiously, or politically correct for any individual or the culture at large. We do not promote censorship, nor do we believe that all pornography is problematic or exploitative, though some certainly can be—child porn most assuredly.
Our primary goal within these pages is to assist people who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, especially when those behaviors are tech-driven, helping them to identify their problem as the chronic emotional disorder it is and to understand that it can be put into remission with proper care and direction—just like alcoholism, gambling addiction, or drug addiction. In a nutshell, we want people who are suffering from sexual addiction to know that their sexual concerns can be addressed without shame, moral, or cultural bias. We also seek to offer direction and insight to therapists and other professionals who may be unfamiliar with the treatment of sex addiction. But most of all, we want to offer cybersex addicts hope, letting them know that long-term change and healing are possible.
PREFACE
As the twentieth century came to a close, noting an increase in sexual problems related to newly evolving technologies like personal computers and the Internet, the authors of this work wrote a now out-of-print book called Cybersex Exposed.1 That book, at the time the only public-facing work on the topic, was read and utilized almost exclusively by cybersex addicts and the clinicians treating them, and this was in fact our intended audience. Since that time, in conjunction with various technological advances, many new challenges to intimacy, sexuality, and relationships have emerged.
By 2006, tech had moved so far and so fast that we felt compelled to write a similarly focused but dramatically updated book called Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age.2 Untangling the Web quickly replaced Cybersex Exposed as an up-to-date and useful book for digital-age sex addicts, their families, and sex addiction treatment specialists.
Untangling the Web focused on the tech-driven sexual problems of its era. Much of that book was devoted to online pornography—the ways in which it was accessed, used, and abused. We also included information about the obsessive online search for live sexual encounters and romantic relationships, which then occurred primarily through chat rooms, dating websites (Match.com and eHarmony), and hookup websites (Craigslist and Backpage).
Over the years both Cybersex Exposed and Untangling the Web reached and helped many people and we’re proud of that. But that was then and this is now. With each increasingly swift turn of the technological wheel, the problem of Internet-related sexual addiction has escalated—seemingly at an almost unfathomable pace. For starters, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat, and other forms of social media have all “arrived” in the last five years or so, as have smartphones, texting/sexting, dating/hookup apps, ubiquitous GPS technology, selfies, video chat, and more. So, needless to say, it is time for another take on digitally driven challenges to intimacy, sexuality, and relationships.
Somewhat embarrassingly, we initially thought that a modest update to Untangling the Web was in order. Wow, were we wrong about that. Rather quickly into the research and rewrite process it became apparent that a “brief revision” was not going to cut it and an entirely new book was needed. That new book, steeped in our past experience with sexual addiction and intimacy disorders treatment and our burgeoning understanding of the ways in which technology affects human relationships,3 is the volume you are now reading.
Way back in 1998 when Cybersex Exposed was written, the number of people who owned or had access to computers either at home or at work was rapidly increasing, as was the number of people challenged by their abuse of cybersex. In recognizing this, we were on the cutting edge of our professions. We also thought we were pretty cool for using and helping to define the freshly minted term “cybersex,” referring to it as the use of home and/or work computers to access porn, casual sex, and/or prostitutes. Now this vision and definition is merely antiquated.
Today cybersex activities are carried out primarily using portable electronic devices—laptops, tablets, and smartphones—and the types of imagery and activity accessed for sexual and romantic pleasure are pretty much endless. Furthermore, new technologies creating new forms of sexual experiences arise almost daily. Sexting, the process of sending nude or nearly nude pictures to partners or potential partners, is now commonplace, user-generated pornography is ubiquitous, Facebook has over a billion active users,4 and many other social networking sites are increasing in popularity. And thanks to an advertising-based business model initially employed by newspapers, television, and radio, nearly all of this content is today provided at little or no cost to the user. This means that almost anyone can instantly and affordably access an endless stream of explicit sexual content and willing sexual partners—all by simply tapping an electronically sensitive glass surface. Not surprisingly, for some people this nearly unlimited access to highly stimulating sexual content and activity is both contributing to and exacerbating cybersex addiction.
Obviously, being sexual is not problematic for most people, just as drinking alcohol, eating cake, and gambling are not problematic for most people. However, as long as specific substances and behaviors have the capacity to evoke profound pleasure and distraction, a small percentage of people will abuse those pleasures as a way to establish external control over difficult internal emotions and experiences. These people learn to abuse flirting and sex, gaming and gambling, spending, eating, and/or alcohol and drugs as a way to disconnect and dissociate from uncomfortable emotions and life stressors—eventually finding themselves hooked on the pleasurable escape that these experiences offer. In other words, these people use addictive substances and/or behaviors not for enjoyment, but as a means of escaping or controlling what they feel. Sex and the search for sex as a pleasurable distraction is no exception to this process.
Note: Throughout this book we will use the terms “sexual addiction,” “sexual compulsivity,” and “hypersexuality” interchangeably. As of now, there is no officially preferred term for identifying and/or describing sexual addiction, so we feel it is best to incorporate all of the language in common use.
The basics of sexual addiction remain the same with or without technology. Sex addicts have always engaged in their problematic sexual “behaviors of choice” compulsively and to their detriment. Oftentimes they do so despite clearly related negative life consequences. As a result, their existing relationships slowly crumble, school and work become a struggle, and they simultaneously lose interest in recreation, hobbies, and other activities they once enjoyed. Sex addicts isolate, they experience debilitating shame about their sexual activities, their emotional and physical health suffers, they get arrested, and lose hope. Many sex addicts make promises to themselves or others that they will stop engaging in their troubling behavior, only to find themselves back in the same or similar patterns just a short time later. This is the “loss of control” or “powerlessness” inherent in all forms of addiction. In these respects, the internal emotional challenges of sex addiction are the same as ever. The fact that in today’s world digital technology so thoroughly facilitates this effort is merely a by-product of the modern age. What has changed most profoundly in recent years is the manner and speed with which sex addicts can locate and access the content and partners that fuel their addictions.
As this text unfolds, we will describe in detail what constitutes cybersex and addiction. We will look at how digital technology can facilitate obsessive patterns of sexual fantasy and behavior. We will also examine cybersex addiction from the perspective of the spouse or partner of the addict and the addict’s family. Also included is material for parents concerned about the online sexual behavior of their children, many of whom, via
