Whoever says this problem doesn’t exist should try walking in my shoes for a few days.
—Jack, forty-four, cable TV installer
I don’t know what it is to have a real relationship because all I’ve ever experienced is webcam hookups and porn.
—Kate, twenty-two, college student
My fiancée is cheating, but she won’t admit it. Over the past six months she has “friended” a bunch of men on Facebook, and her phone is loaded with sexts that she sent to random guys. She says she’s not doing anything wrong because she never meets any of them in-person and it’s just a game for her. But it doesn’t feel that way to me. I don’t know what to do.
—Franklin, thirty-one, investment banker
WHAT IS SEXUAL ADDICTION?
For the most part, the criteria for sexual addiction are similar to any other addiction, including substance addictions:
1.Ongoing obsession/preoccupation with the drug/behavior of choice
2.Loss of control over use (inability to stop)
3.Continuation despite directly related negative life consequences
Today most people have some sense of what it might be like to have an addiction to alcohol or drugs, as they’ve either experienced it themselves or seen it in a friend or family member (or at least on TV). However, many folks have difficulty wrapping their heads around the concept of a behavioral addiction. This is especially true when the activity is a natural and even necessary part of life, as is the case with eating and being sexual.
The main difference between healthy sex (or healthy eating) and addictive sex (or addictive eating) is that addicts engage in the behavior compulsively as a way to “emotionally numb out” and “escape,” and they continue to do so even as their clearly out-of-control behavior is creating significant problems in their lives—relationship issues, trouble at work or in school, declining physical and/or emotional health, financial turmoil, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, legal issues, family problems, and more. In essence, if a person is compulsively and persistently using sexual fantasy, sexual content, and sexual activity as a means of self-soothing or dissociating from stressful emotions or underlying psychological conditions (early-life trauma, depression/anxiety, attachment deficits, social deficits, or low self-esteem), that person is most likely a sex addict.
HOW TECHNOLOGY FEEDS SEXUAL ADDICTION
The more deeply one looks into the world of digital technology, the more obvious it becomes that anyone who is looking online for highly arousing sexual content and willing sexual partners both can and will find an unending supply. On the one hand, this is great, as the backyard dating and mating pond of yesteryear has now become a big giant ocean. On the other hand, this unlimited access can be incredibly problematic for people predisposed to addiction. In truth, digital sexual activities are a problem-free source of temporary pleasure and amusement for most people. However, those who are vulnerable to addiction can easily find themselves lost in an escalating, obsessive, online quest for “more, different, and better.”
Research conducted in the 1980s (pre-Internet) suggested that 3 to 5 percent of the U.S. adult population struggled with addictive sexual behaviors. Mostly these folks were adult men hooked on video porn, affairs, prostitution, old-fashioned phone sex, and similar activities. In that era, little to no research was then done on women. Not surprisingly, that percentage jumped significantly with the arrival of home computers and the Internet. A well-known study conducted in the late 1990s was the first to confirm this. This groundbreaking Stanford University survey looked at the behavior of more than 9,000 Internet users, finding that 8.5 percent qualified as sexually addicted.1 So basically the study found that access to the Internet approximately doubled the propensity for sexual addiction.
People in the Stanford study were considered to have a problem with addictive sex under the following circumstances:
•They described feeling “obsessed” or “driven” by online sexuality, as if it had become a “life priority.”
•They’d made repeated, unsuccessful attempts to decrease or eliminate their online sexual activities.
•They continued going online for sex despite clearly related poor academic or job performance, relationship difficulties, job loss, sexual harassment lawsuits, arrests, failed relationships, or other adverse consequences.
Interestingly, a follow-up analysis revealed that only about 1 percent of the people who qualified as sex addicts reported a pre-Internet history of compulsive sexual activity. In other words, only a few of those who were identified as sexually addicted had problems with addictive sexual behaviors before the Internet came along. For them, the Internet simply became another means of accessing their long-standing obsession. For the rest, digital technology either led to or greatly facilitated the development of their addictive sexual behavior.
More recent studies indicate this “tech facilitates sex addiction” trend reinforces itself with each new development in digital technology. And the problem is no longer limited to adult men. Thanks to digital technology, the incidence of sexual addiction is also rising among women and adolescents of both genders. There is no doubt that these changes are directly related to the easy, affordable, and mostly anonymous access to pornography, willing sexual partners, and other highly arousing sexual activities that the Internet and other forms of digital technology currently provide. In short, as digital technology has increased our access to potentially addictive sexuality, mental health professionals have seen a corresponding increase in the number and variety of people with compulsive porn use and cybersex addiction. It’s just that simple.
THE LURE OF PORN
As clinicians treating sexual addiction and other sexual disorders are well aware, digital porn is the leader when it comes to tech-driven sexual addictions. This is hardly a surprise, given the current online porn explosion. And no, we’re not exaggerating when we use the word “explosion.” Current research tells us that 12 percent of today’s websites are pornographic, 25 percent of search engine requests are porn-related, and 35 percent of all downloads are of sexualized imagery.2 And all of these numbers are up significantly from just a few years ago, thanks primarily to the advent of user-generated (amateur) pornography. The result is that pornography of every ilk imaginable is now anonymously available to anyone, anytime, on practically any digital device, and more often than not it’s free.
For most people who enjoy porn, the experience can provide a quick and convenient means to a pleasurable end. Typically, healthy people utilize pornography when an emotional or a close physical connection is either not available or not desired, or when simply seeking self-pleasure. Unfortunately, porn use can morph over time into an addiction, ultimately leading to shame, secrecy, compartmentalization, humiliation, and a wide variety of other negative life consequences.
Generally speaking, porn addiction occurs when someone loses control over whether they will view and use pornography, the amount of time they will spend looking at pornography, and the types of pornography they will use. Research suggests that porn addicts typically spend at least eleven hours per week engaging with digital porn.3 Often they spend double or even triple that amount. The following is Steve’s story.
I work nine to five as an insurance claims adjustor. I wake up early every morning to masturbate—something I started in my early teens. Usually I grab my laptop while I’m still
