immediately. And this, of course, can be quite problematic for cybersex addicts.
BEYOND THE TRIPLE-A ENGINE
As you can see, the accessibility, affordability, and anonymity of the Internet makes digital technology very attractive, particularly when it comes to sex. But there is more to the allure of digital technology than just the three A’s.
Interactivity
The interactive nature of the Internet provides users with a profoundly different experience than other forms of entertainment. While television, film, radio, books, and magazines are static, the Internet is not. For instance, a porn magazine likely provides twenty or so pictures and that’s it. With a porn DVD you get an hour or so of action and that’s it. It doesn’t matter if there’s only one picture in the magazine or one scene in the video that turns you on. That’s all you get. Period. If you’re looking at porn online, however, you can sort and reshuffle images and sometimes, if you’ve got someone performing live via webcam, you might even be able to direct the action via live chat. The Internet provides you with control over whom and what you view in ways that other media simply cannot. Thanks to this interactivity, digital technology has the power to hold a person’s interest far longer than any previous entertainment medium, especially when it comes to sexual content and romance.
HOW DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY ESCALATES PORN ADDICTION
The idea that the Internet and related technologies can now provide an unending, ever-changing stream of sexualized imagery and experience is in great part what feeds porn addiction. Porn addiction, like other addictions, is driven as much by anticipatory fantasy as by the actual act (in this case, the act of masturbation and orgasm). Thanks to digital technology, porn now changes continually, allowing the cybersex addict to experience the “rush” of “the new” almost constantly.
Compactness/Portability
In the past, porn magazines ended up under the mattress, in piles the garage, or stacked in a closet. DVDs and VHS tapes also had to be stored—preferably in a place inaccessible to your kids or your spouse, not to mention visiting relatives and friends. For sexualized phone calls you needed someplace private, which was a real problem when all you had was a landline. For actual live sexual encounters, you needed a motel room or at least a car with a decent backseat. All these forms of sexual content and activity took up a lot of space making them hard to conceal. Today, digital sexual content and activity takes up no more space than the digital device you are using to access it. And if an unwanted visitor enters the room, a simple click can both end the connection and hide the evidence. A porn collection that would once have filled a three-car garage can now be stored on a USB flash drive no bigger than your thumb or in “the cloud.” So in today’s world, sexual acting out, even when excessive, is just a whole lot easier to manage, especially if your goal is to keep it secret.
Safety
Digital technology almost guarantees that you can go online and engage in digital sex without the risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease, getting arrested, or risking physical attack through robbery, assault, or rape. Plus, those who tend to be shy or socially withdrawn can lose their anxious inhibitions behind the safety shield provided by the mostly anonymous and non-intimate nature of online sexual life.
Online Community (The Good)
On the Internet, almost anyone can find a community to validate his or her personal interests and behaviors. People who are into cars can chat with others who are into cars. People with cancer can learn more about that disease, join support groups designed to help people with cancer, and gather information for potential treatments they can later discuss with their doctor. For lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people—especially those who may have trouble or feel uncomfortable meeting like-minded others in the real world—computers can provide a supportive environment and a way of connecting. The same is true for people with unconventional or culturally frowned-upon sexual “lifestyles,” such as those interested in cross-dressing or dominance-based sex.
Some Internet users with atypical or unconventional sexual interests such as BDSM, foot worship, and chubby chasing have formed “virtual communities” in support of their sexual interests. Nowadays, people whose patterns of sexual arousal previously marginalized them and caused them to hide or simply avoid/ignore their interest can readily find like-minded others who share their enthusiasm and are looking to engage in the sex that actually turns them on.
Online Community (The Bad)
The Internet is also, unfortunately, a place where people who have deviant or illegal sexual interests such as pedophilia or exhibitionism can exercise those interests. Prior to the Internet, many people flirted in fantasy with these various behaviors but were held back from acting out because of potential negative consequences, or they simply didn’t have access to the people with whom they could have this type of sex. On the Internet they can find others who will support and encourage these interests, thereby lowering the boundary between fantasy and action. This has the strong potential to normalize harmful/illegal sexual behaviors for people who otherwise might never have indulged their interest, and the results can be catastrophic for both the person and their potential victims. In this respect, digital technology can sometimes drive not only sexual addiction but also sexual offending.
SEXUAL ADDICTION VS. SEXUAL OFFENDING
Sex addicts are men and women who engage compulsively in one or more sexual behaviors, continue these behaviors despite significant negative consequences, and spend a great deal of time thinking about, planning, and engaging in sexual activity. Over time, sex becomes the primary focus of their lives. A sex offender may have similar symptoms, but sex offenders differ in that they engage in sexual activities that violate the rights of others, break the law, or both.
•Sexual addiction takes place within the context of a solo sexual act or in a relationship with a consenting adult.
•Sexual offending involves nonconsensual forms of sex—sex with those who don’t want it, sex with those who don’t know it’s happening (voyeurism), sex with those who are too young to consent (including viewing pornography featuring minors), sex with those who are mentally incapacitated and therefore can’t consent, and sex by force.
Sex addiction may take away or diminish a person’s health, self-esteem, marriage, or job, and may personally offend many people, but seeking or having a lot of indiscriminate sex is not the same as sexual offending. Although many spouses or partners of sex addicts worry that their children or families might be at risk because there is a sex addict in the house, the reality is that few sex addicts are also sexual offenders. Their sexual choices and activities, while painful, problematic, and destructive to existing relationships, are typically consensual and legal.
ONLINE ADDICTIONS INVOLVE SOME PEOPLE BUT NOT MOST
Most people use digital technology in healthy ways that improve their lives in all facets, including their sexual lives. Only a small minority of people who go online, even for sexual purposes, struggle with their tech-driven behaviors. For those who do struggle, however, tech-driven sexuality can be every bit as problematic as an addiction to heroin, alcohol, gambling, binge eating, or cocaine. This painful reality will be examined further as this book progresses, starting in the next chapter, which is designed to help readers recognize the difference between simple pleasure seeking and sexual addiction.
