the Internet porn explosion is such a new phenomenon.
EVERYTHING ELSE UNDER THE SUN
Porn, of course, is merely the tip of the sexnology (technology used to generate or enhance sexual pleasure) iceberg. These days it is entirely possible to meet a potential sex partner using a smartphone hookup app, to flirt with that person via texts and sexts, to be sexual with that person via webcam and teledildonic devices, and then to brag about the encounter by posting on some form of social media. And the person with whom you’ve had this torrid sexual fling has never even been in the same room as you because the entire interaction has occurred online.
As you can see, digital sexual activity extends well beyond the bounds of pornography.
I started downloading and masturbating to porn and chatting with women I met online when I was a teenager. Eventually this advanced to nightly participation in video chats and mutual masturbation via webcam. A few years ago, when I got a smartphone, I took my show on the road, sexting my regular online partners and seeking out new ones. Thanks to a couple of hookup apps, I was able to meet several women in my hometown. Suddenly, despite having no previous history of in-the-flesh adultery, I found myself meeting nearby women for casual sex. I sought help only when my wife found out about my behavior and threatened to leave me.
Looking back, I am amazed by the immense amount of time and energy I put into sexual activity. As a teen, it interfered with my schoolwork. My homework either didn’t get done or was done poorly because I was in a rush to get online. As an adult, it created emotional distance, frustration, and impatience in dating relationships and later with my wife and children, and it took up work time and office resources. Plus, waiting until my wife went to sleep and then staying up on the computer until two or three in the morning left me, more often than not, tired, exhausted, depressed, and physically unwell. Our marital sex life became practically nonexistent, and I watched my wife blame herself, thinking she was no longer attractive. Despite all the craziness, I still think about getting back online nearly every day.
—Hank, forty-two, systems analyst
Here are some of the most common engaged-in digital sexual activities:
•Joining sexual membership communities that serve various interests
•Posting personal profiles (dating and/or sex ads), and hooking up with other people either online or IRL (in real life)
•Meeting people with similar sexual interests—such as fetishes, spouses looking to cheat, or older people looking for romance—via chat rooms, websites, and smartphone apps
•Viewing and downloading porn photos or videos from people, commercial porn sites, newsgroups, or file transfer protocol (FTP) sites
•Exchanging texts, emails, and photos with others for the purpose of sexual/romantic fantasy, possibly leading to solo masturbation, mutual masturbation via webcam, or in-person sexual encounters
•Using prostitute, escort, and sexual massage websites and apps
•Buying, selling, or otherwise exchanging traditional sex-industry products such as magazines, videos, and sex toys
•Simultaneous mutual sexual activity in private chat rooms—writing back and forth while masturbating, or masturbating on video chat
•Viewing, via webcam, staged sexual acts in real time
•Using apps to find casual and/or anonymous sexual hookups
•Cruising social media or dating sites to view intimate photos or locate potential sexual partners
•Sexting (sending sexual texts and images) via smartphones as a way to flirt with an existing partner or a new acquaintance, or even just for the sexual thrill of it
•Using teledildonic masturbatory devices that warm, lubricate, pulse, and grip in tandem with sexual activities taking place onscreen such as porn videos or even live performances
•Playing virtual sex games that allow users to create customized fantasy avatars that are then used to participate in interactive online sexcapades
Given the amount and variety of currently available digital sexual activities, it is easy to see why sex addiction is on the rise.
THE “TRIPLE-A ENGINE”
Nearly all modern day sex addicts have fallen victim to the Internet’s Triple-A Engine9 of accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. To understand how the Triple-A Engine works, consider the following stories about porn use and casual sex thirty years ago versus today.
Porn in 1985: Joe, a resident of Boston, wanted to look at porn one day, so he got up, got dressed, and rode the train for nearly half an hour to the city’s infamous “Combat Zone,” where he knew about an adult bookstore. There he spent nearly $100 on a small pile of magazines filled with grainy imagery. For Joe, that was quite a lot of money—more than he could really afford. Plus, he spent the entire trip watching over his shoulder hoping to not be seen by a friend, neighbor or someone from his church. Over the course of the next few weeks Joe enjoyed looking at and masturbating to the pornography, but as the imagery became increasingly familiar, he lost interest. Within a month he was back on the train, surreptitiously headed back to the Combat Zone, ready to once again spend money he didn’t really have on a new batch of pornography.
Porn in 2015: Joe picked up his smartphone on his nightstand and uttered the words, “show me some porn.” No train ride, no $100 outlay, and no boredom with the imagery because the Internet provides an endless and ever-changing supply. No muss, no fuss, just the porn, thank you very much.
Seeking a one night stand in 1985: Amy, an unmarried resident of Minneapolis, was feeling lonely one evening. Hoping to meet Mr. Right (or at least Mr. Right Now) she showered, styled her hair, put on makeup, spritzed herself with perfume, and slipped into her slinky black dress. Then she walked downstairs from her second floor apartment into the freezing cold Minnesota winter, hailed a cab, and took an expensive ride to a singles bar on the other side of town (not wanting any of her friends or neighbors to see her and figure out what she was up to). At the club she bought herself a couple of overpriced drinks and waited for a decent looking man to display interest in her. Several men offered to buy her a drink, but none of them were her “type.” Eventually, dejected and depressed, she left the bar and took the long cab ride home.
Seeking a one night stand in 2015: Amy was feeling lonely one evening. She put some popcorn in the microwave while clicking on her Tinder smartphone app. While snacking in her bathrobe and slippers she noticed a cute guy right away. She swiped his profile to indicate interest, and before her microwave popcorn was gone she was sexting him. Twenty minutes later he arrived at her doorstep, happy to share popcorn, a movie, and a little bit more with her. No hours of preparation, no expensive cab ride or overpriced drinks, no parade of losers, no sore feet and ankles from standing around in high heels for three hours, and no disappointment at the end of the night.
The reality is that sexual content and contacts are now readily available to anyone at the touch of a digital button. Barriers that existed just a few decades ago no longer exist. You don’t even need an actual computer. Laptops, tablets, e-readers, smartphones, gaming platforms, and numerous other devices will serve you nicely for tonight’s sexual hookup. Nor do you need to be a techno-genius because digital devices, websites, and apps are incredibly user-friendly. Pornography and casual sexual connections can now be accessed anywhere, anytime, by
