underneath.
‘That’s it, shake your ass.’
A weird grunt raced out of my throat. I knew he could see me.
‘Just wait! Wait! Please!’
‘Shhhhhh! Let me do it.’
I was shaking my head side to side. I felt the belt slaps on my ass spark like wires.
‘Wait!’
My ass was starting to let in his cock. It was unbearable, stinging so deep.
‘Careful, careful, careful, please!’
‘Shhhhhh!’
He leaned his face toward me, he breathed through my ears. His cock was burning the walls of my ass. I was stuffed like that to the end of all ends. My teeth on the floor. Him scraping my hole, slow in and out, my muscles were ripping, he kept pumping and pumping. I tried to move out. I was suspended like that. A rabbit stuck in a wolf’s mouth. I was hanging and I kept wanting him to fuck me, but I knew he had to stop. I thought he was going to kill me like that. I don’t know, maybe if he had said something then, like: I know how you like it, I know that you like this … But the way that he fucked me, just that, in and out, all I could think of was how was I going to take pleasure?
Well, it went on like that between me and this man. All the time I kept doing it, all the time asking how. I was scraped out, teetering on one tiny line, loving him, sucking him. I just kept on. Having sex where I felt like I was drowning and he was floating over me with a life jacket laughing. It was like I heard him thinking every time we fucked:
I will never love you or your sex.
I will never love you or your sex.
I will never love you or your sex.
I’m embarrassed to tell you what happened next. I know I must really look like a fool now. It’s not easy for me to tell you what I’m going to tell you, but I can’t skip this part. Please wait, understand: I was trying to see if I could love a man! Just wait. Please. I want you to stay with me until it’s all over.
I’d been out dancing at a club with some friends this one night and I decided to go over to the guy’s place afterward. I’d never done that before. I mean, I always waited for him to call me. I guess it wasn’t the best idea, because I’d been drinking a bit, and there I was, ringing his buzzer over and over. When he let me in, I remember I was hopping around in the elevator because I was so excited to see him. I felt a line of sweat around my hairline. My hips were still shaking and my throat was all hot.
The guy’s door was open for me when I got up to his place. I went rushing down the hallway toward the bedroom because I heard some banging there. He was looking in one of his drawers. His back was toward me and I started dancing for him. I was just happy, you know, still reeling. I must’ve been dancing for at least a minute when I stopped. I stopped because I saw how his eyes were. He wasn’t moving. He had the worst look on his face. I didn’t know what to say. I was going to say it, I wanted to say it: I love you I love you I love only you! But I couldn’t say a thing. The guy was pursing his lips like he was going to spit in my face. I heard saliva collecting in his mouth and all I could do was stand there. He was coming toward me like that, bull’s-eye. I felt my lips opening up. I thought for a second it would turn into sex. I knew that I would’ve done anything for him right then. But the guy crooked his arm round the back of my neck. He widened my lips with his fingers and stuck his thumb down. I started gagging. He pushed in another finger and hooked it hard at the roof of my mouth. I tried to bite down but my teeth had lost their ridges.
‘Is this what you want?’ the guy finally said.
My neck got all knotted. My stomach started bubbling. I had no idea what he meant. I wanted to love him! I didn’t want this. Then his knee hit my groin. I fell to the floor. The bones of my legs thudded like wood. I slumped over my breasts and coughed up his fingers.
Then the man’s palms started flashing in front of my eyes. I heard myself scream but all I was doing was choking. He pushed me down more. He smacked both my cheeks. My back bones were rubbing against the floor. He pinned my wrists and he spread me. I felt his knuckles at my thighs.
I tried to lift my head up but the guy was slapping my cunt. I could barely see, I was squinting and I was trying so hard to squeeze my thighs shut. I wanted to make myself go toward the smacking because I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much if I could go closer and closer. I felt my lips move. It was wet underneath me. The man didn’t stop coming over me, coming closer. I didn’t know if he was hitting me or fucking me or what.
But the next thing I knew the man’s face was hovering over my head. He had his palms on both sides of my skull. It felt like he was scraping my forehead with a rock, digging hot pits in the bones of my face. I felt my body falling through the floor …
‘Open your eyes!’ he yelled.
I tried and I tried but my sockets were filled. ‘I can’t, I can’t … ’
Are you still there? Can you see me? Look! Please look. My legs, were they spreading? I didn’t know how to move. I thought that the man was still on top of me pounding. I didn’t know, I couldn’t look but I thought he was still there above me, still coming … I kept fixing on to that hook that he gave me: his finger down my throat, the hook that we were fucking, I kept fixing on it, fixing on it. I wanted to get out so bad …
‘Come on, girl! Come on, open your eyes!’
I heard my own voice in my head. It was speaking too loud: You wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t wanted more. You’re lying flat like a corpse on the ground. Your throat’s running open from sucking the cocks of all men. Your body is ripped into so many pieces. All you can do is scavenge yourself like a crow.
Listen to yourself, still talking! You haven’t stopped saying bad words and thinking bad things ever since your first time. If you can ever suck someone without looking for his love, you’ll stop running like a slut all lost for your cunt. Look at you. Look. Your temples are burning! Stuff is pouring out of you. Look, it’s coming …
Rolling around in the darkness, my face was scraping something flat. My cheekbones were poking like knives into the floor. I was calling for my lover. I was calling, I was calling, but my flesh had no sound.
‘I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this.’ I heard the guy talking from way up above me.
‘Why?’ I was crying now.
‘I just can’t. I don’t want this. I don’t want to do this to you.’
What don’t you want? What can’t you do? I was screaming in my head. But my fucking mouth was glued shut. I was never coming up for air. I dragged myself away from him on my stomach. My face pressed against the floor. Water poured from my eyes.
‘Stop.’ He was still over me. ‘Stop. Stop crying. I just can’t do this.’
‘Why, why, why?’
‘I can’t. I don’t know. Stop crying, please stop crying.’
‘You don’t love me. You don’t … ’
I broke open. I was gasping from the back of my throat. I couldn’t stop. I heard him walking
