with their social position. Small folks must have small stomachs.
BARONESS
That’s evident!
GRAND ALMONER
That’s fair.
BARON
I will see to that. Besides, I am very dissatisfied with the appearance and the administration of my Château—
GRAND ALMONER
Which is one of the most beautiful castles in Westphalia!
BARON
An evil spirit reigns. The servants are inclined more and more to deviate from the good traditions of the past—Not only that, they eat too much but they permit themselves to argue. It’s unheard of! And when employing the rights my birth conferred upon me. I wish to correct them by switching their backsides with the whip God confided in me—They dare to take flight—!
PIKEMAN
Pardon us, Milord.
GRAND ALMONER
You will accuse yourselves of great sins when you come to confess—
BARON
Submission—respect—are gone—I ask myself what we are coming to—Poor Westphalia—you are heading toward the abyss! Happily—I am here—
GRAND ALMONER
We are here—!
BARON
I am going to put an end to this state of things so that my Château, which is the most beautiful castle in Westphalia will regain its fine appearance—! Two ways to do that! First of all, my whip! And then moral education—good, clean ideas—
GRAND ALMONER
I will answer for that—
BARON
No, my Grand Almoner, I have appointed you to my personal service as well as that of the Baroness. I have here a professor of Philosophy that I pay to instruct my daughter Miss Cunegonde and Candide, my nephew in the art of thinking.
BARONESS
Oh—your nephew—!
BARON
It is indeed true that my honorable sister who engendered him was not married. The gentleman who made this child was unable, you know, to justify more than seventy-one quarters when she possessed seventy-two. That’s why my worthy sister finally refused him her hand, after having, alas accorded him the rest. But little matter—Dr. Pangloss, professor of Philosophy to my daughter and my nephew will also instruct my men—
BARONESS
Now that’s an excellent thing, my friend.
BARON
The people need Philosophy. (He snaps his whip)
PIKEMAN
Long live the Baron! (Enter Paquette)
BARONESS
You hear, Paquette. Every day lessons from Doctor Pangloss.
PAQUETTE
(Laughing) He’s an excellent professor—He’s already taught me many curious things—(Enter Pangloss, Cunegonde, and Candide)
PANGLOSS
I heard “Long Live the Baron,” and I ran with my pupils to associate myself with this touching manifestation. “Long live the most powerful lord in Westphalia!”
BARON
Dr. Pangloss, I was waiting for you—I’ve decided to confide an important mission to you—a social one—! Here it is: I charge you with instructing my folks in the principles of goodness, of healthy philosophy—That which fortifies the role of masters and which affirms in the hearts of servants feelings of respect and submission—lastly—the philosophy which assures the happiness of individuals and social peace. Each day, at this hour, you will spread the good word.
PANGLOSS
I am very flattered—
BARON
You are going to begin immediately.
PANGLOSS
I am ready. A philosopher is always ready—I will instruct Milord’s people in the most reasonable, the best of doctrines, that is to say—the metaphysical—theological, cosmological—pedagogical—
1st PIKEMAN
(To second) What’d he say?
2nd PIKEMAN
He was talking about pederast—
BARON
Silence! (Brandishes his whip)
CUNEGONDE
(To Baron) Papa, do I have to listen? I’ve taken my lesson.
CANDIDE
Me, too—
BARON
Both of you stay, as I myself am doing. The metaphysical—theological—cosmological (Stammering) Anyway, this pederasty is the most excellent thing in the world—You can’t get too much of it. (To Pangloss) Begin, my friend!
CANDIDE
(To Cunegonde) It’s all the same to me—better, since I am near you.
PANGLOSS
(After wiping his nose and grimacing) Milord Baron, Milady, Miss Cunegonde, Mr. Candide—Your reverence, the Grand Almoner, (Making bows) Paquette.
(With a slight gesture) You others—Like the great systems The Physical—Theological—Cosmological pedagogy clings to a very simple principle. That principle is this: There is no effect without a cause—That principle admitted it follows naturally that everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.
PIKEMAN
That depends—I’ve just been stung by a wasp.
BARON
Silence! (He brandishes his whip)
PANGLOSS
Note carefully that the nose was made for glasses—Also, we have glasses—The legs are visibly designed to be in stockings and we have stockings. Stones have been formed to be quarried for use in making castles. That’s why Milord Baron has a Château and pigs were made to be eaten—so we eat pork all year round. Whips were made to be wielded by great lords, so Milord the Baron has a whip—Servants
