not that a child costs so much; rather, the cost of living is the problem if you have not yet built up and consolidated your resources. This is particularly true if you do not have much support from your extended family.
You become so used to the independence of adult life that being on 24-hour call and having to respond to a baby’s often unpredictable patterns and needs might be quite challenging for older parents, especially if they are very ordered and goal-oriented. The playfulness that young parents are still in touch with can be a valuable parenting skill, making the task lighter, but older moms and dads can recultivate this.
Having a baby later in life may herald a change in friendships if your peers don’t have babies although, as more women choose this option, this is rapidly disappearing as a potential problem. By the time the children have grown up, you might feel there is less time left to enjoy what life offers, but most say that the extended time before starting a family satisfied that need.
Your relationship
We all know that babies don’t save marriages, yet it is amazing how often couples in an ailing relationship pin their hopes for family happiness on having a child. Sharing children can be good as you will often laugh about mannerisms and delightful personality traits peculiar to your child in the knowledge that only you, the father and mother, really understand and love your child that intensely. A child will not, however, heal a deep rift.
Perhaps our expectations of marriage or love partnerships are unrealistic, but just as we hone the qualities needed for our careers and practise them, we should do the same for this time-consuming and very important aspect of our lives. I believe the tools of the partnership trade are:
•respect for the individuality of the other;
•time invested in making your partner feel good;
•regular and non-sarcastic communication;
•the ability to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
Taking time to do things together is the fertile ground for nurturing and practising these skills. And when the honeymoon phase of your partnership inevitably starts to wane, remember that this is natural and that a strong, caring friendship will nourish the relationship in the long term.
Before you embark on the road to parenthood, be honest with yourself:
REALITY CHECK
•Are the problems you and your partner experience too deep to overcome?
•Do you fight continually in a destructive manner?
•Is there mutual respect?
•Do you enjoy a wide variety of similar interests and friendships?
•Do you support each other in your personal ambitions?
•Do you give each other space to develop individually?
If, despite sustained hard work at the relationship, you simply feel the rift widening, don’t make the mistake of having a baby. Once you have a baby, there is a sense in which you are tied together forever. How many amicable divorces do you know of, where the good of the children is placed above the good of the parents? And then, as if to rub salt into the wounds, issues of access and finance complicate both partners’ lives. Think further ahead to your child’s school functions, graduation and wedding. How much heartache and awkwardness awaits the whole family?
I am all for trying to save marriages and wish to encourage you to work at your relationship in a positive, caring spirit. But do not underestimate the pressure babies and children can place on an already tenuous partnership.
Preparing your mind and body for pregnancy
Increasingly, women and their partners are realising that preparing their bodies and minds for conception, pregnancy and parenthood is the very best form of preventative medicine. This is an excellent development. Moderate exercise contributes to a healthy pregnancy. Eating fresh, healthy food as often as possible and minimising processed and fast foods is a sure building block. Avoiding smoking and recreational drugs, restricting medicines to those that are really necessary and strictly limiting alcohol before and during pregnancy are essential to the equation.
Some supplements before conception, like folic acid, can improve overall health and ensure the best environment for conception. You cannot easily overdose on folic acid. Take about 400 mg daily from about three months before pregnancy and continue throughout the first trimester. You need only supplement with other vitamins and minerals if you are not eating healthily or are frequently unwell. Taking a general pregnancy supplement like those your doctor will prescribe or one of the well-known brands available in pharmacies and health stores is fine even before pregnancy.
THE IMPORTANCE OF INDIVIDUALITY
Most important of all is to recognise that you need appropriate individual preparation for the very best health for both the mom and baby. Try to recognise yourself in one or two of the following groups and apply the relevant nutritional and lifestyle advice. You will find that this makes deep psychobiological sense. The effect of a few adjustments will soon convince you that you can affect your pregnancy positively. The system of mind-body medicine has a long, rich history. Because it is a commonsense approach, you will see the benefits of adopting it as a way of life.
Throughout this Companion, I will refer to tips that are appropriate and helpful for each group, be it in pregnancy, labour or early parenting. These can be of great benefit.
GROUP 1: ENTHUSIASTIC BUT ANXIOUS
Are you one of those complex women whose mind is as lively as quicksilver, with lightning perception and a vision of a million things that you know you could do, if only your energy levels would not come in such short, sharp bursts? And if you could just force yourself to sleep more and a bit better, you know that all those creative juices would do more than flow; they’d gel into something quite amazing. Of course, ‘worry’ is your middle name and almost everything, from the smallest to the biggest issue, causes you concern. Your energy levels drop fast and your erratic eating habits do nothing to sustain you. You live with an underlying, trembling tension that makes you need quite a lot of reassurance. Impending pregnancy, birth and motherhood feed your stockpile of causes of anxiety, because you want to be the very best you can be, but will you? You know that toothache is your nemesis, headaches your nightmare and that bloated feeling you so often have is most uncomfortable. How will you cope with the pain of childbirth?
Qualities
Other character traits: enthusiastic, vivacious, talkative, indecisive, anxious, impatient, moody, imaginative, restless, excitable, quick to learn and forget, you dislike loud noise, love change.
Physical characteristics: slight build, slow weight gain, light, quick walk, cold hands and feet, dislike cold, quick movements, energy bursts, poor physical endurance, your tongue looks like a road map with many lines and cracks.
Eating pattern and lifestyle: irregular meals, immense hunger that soon dissipates, a sweet tooth, poor digestion, dislike of competitive and endurance sport, poor sleep patterns, anxious dreams.
Disease pattern: dry skin and eczema, bloating, diarrhoea and constipation, chilblains, anxiety, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), high blood pressure, arthritis with cracking joints, chronic pain, osteoporosis.
Tips
