If you are a stay-at-home parent, you might be thinking that this doesn’t apply. But if you reflect on all the roles you play at home and what it would cost if someone had to pay for all the services you provide, your worth suddenly has a dollar value. Just knowing this can boost your self-esteem and will carry over to how you perform your job at home. You can also inventory your skills just like you would on a professional résumé. As a stay-at-home parent it is easy to lose your sense of equality in the partnership when you are not the one bringing home the paycheck. Help yourself, and your partner, to see your contributions to the family by listing them on paper. You can use this as a tool in a discussion with your partner to jointly decide on which tasks are not critical and are not deserving of your time.
Knowing your worth is an essential part of controlling the beast. By feeling confident about your strengths, you can march ahead with confidence and pride.
Operate in Your “Want and Can” Area
If perfectionism had a cousin, it would be control. You probably know exactly what we’re talking about since we all have at least some desire to control things. But what we choose to control has a huge impact on our quality of life.
If your days are jammed packed with activities and commitments, how do you describe your life? Do you say “my life is full, busy, and happy,” or do you say, “I’m always so stressed, busy, and tired.” On the one hand, if you are choosing the right things to control, you are probably enjoying the “life is full and happy” feeling. On the other hand, if you have a high need to control and expend a lot of energy regulating everything all the time, you will be worn out and frustrated.
So how do you know if you are controlling the right things? Part of the answer lies in determining your “want and can” area. Take a look at Figure 1.
Figure 1: Determining Your “Want and Can” Area
The circle on the left represents everything you want or believe you need to control in order to have a happy and fulfilling life. The possibilities are numerous. Wouldn’t it be great to control everything from your schedule to your manager to your children’s behavior? The circle on the right represents what you actually can control. This is the reality circle. It contains only the things you actually have the ability to control.
The shaded section, where the circles overlap, is ideally where you should be spending your time. These are the things you both want to control and have the ability to control. We call this the “want and can” area or WaC for short. Notice that this is a much smaller area than either of the circles and that’s why it can be challenging to stay in the shaded area. It’s very easy to get out of WaC! To further illustrate this concept, we will use two examples and then invite you to analyze your own tendencies about control.
First, let’s take a look at someone who is operating primarily in the left-hand circle (what you want to control). Mike is a project manager at a software company and also has a wife and three children. He has a high need for control both at work and home. At work he is often frustrated when a change in the software requirements causes him to get off schedule and have to completely redesign the project. He also has a new manager who is eager to merge his department with another one — a plan that Mike disagrees with. Mike has spent lots of time diplomatically countering his boss’s proposals. At home, Mike prefers a neat and tidy house, while his wife is much more comfortable with clutter and mess. When he is home he often spends most of his evening picking up the toys and feeling resentful about it.
Mike’s situation is depicted in Figure 2.
Figure 2: What Mike Wants to Control
Mike is spending most of his time in the left-hand circle and only a few things are falling into his shaded area. He could save himself a great deal of frustration if he identified what he can truly control and focused his time in the shaded area where the two circles overlap. He should also decide to let some left-hand circle items go or redefine them so they are in his “want and can” area. For example, Mike could have a discussion with his wife about what areas of the house he feels most strongly about neatness and together they could find a way to keep that minimum standard. Maybe his wife and kids will partially clean up that area before he gets home and Mike can do the finishing touches.
If you suspect you are like Mike, operating primarily in the “want” circle, make a list of all of the things that you feel are vital for you to exert some control over in order to be a happy, healthy, and successful person. As you think of them you could jot them down in the appropriate circle in Exercise 4. If the item is something you want to control, put it in the left-hand circle. If it is something you definitely want to and can control, list it in the shaded area.
What does your diagram look like? Take a look at the things that are in your left-hand circle, but not in the overlap area. You may be able to influence some of these things, but not totally control them. If you are operating outside your “want and can” area by trying to finesse the outcomes of things that you don’t actually have control over, the results are stress, fatigue, anger, unhappiness, and depression. It is like beating your head against a brick wall.
Now let’s take a look at an opposite example. Paula is a freelance photographer who works from home and has twin 11-year-old boys. Her major frustration is getting the boys to start and complete their homework. It seems as if every evening the boys are up too late because they didn’t get their homework done earlier and then everyone is tired the next morning. Paula’s strategy has been to start reminding them of homework as soon as they get home from school but it hasn’t made a difference.
Paula’s own style preference is impacting the entire family. She enjoys the rush of a deadline and often stays up late herself to complete her work. Structure and schedules are definitely not her preference. Her situation is depicted in Figure 3.
Figure 3: What Paula Can Control
She is not operating in either circle, but there are some strategies she could try that are in the “can” circle. However, because of her aversion to structure, she hasn’t wanted to try them and therefore they remain in her “can” circle where they are ineffective without the desire to act.
By realizing that suggestions such as creating a productive physical environment for studying, increasing time for homework by reducing other activities, and implementing a homework routine would help her reach her goal, Paula may be able to move these suggestions to the “want and can” area. Once she is in the WaC area she will be able to end her homework headaches.
Are there items in your right-hand circle that are not in your “want and can” area? Maybe another priority or your style preference is causing you to not “want” to take some action that will improve a particular problem. This may be perfectly okay as long as you are cognizant of the fact. You can’t force yourself to want to do something unless you see the payoff and are willing to alter your behavior. In Paula’s case, the homework frustration had gone on for so long that she was willing to adjust her style preference in order to end the battles and get everyone to bed on time. Only you can control what is a “want” for you. But remember the
