Not wanting to admit a parent is getting older and may be approaching death.
• Fear of having an emotional and/or confrontational conversation with the parent.
• Fear of having to take on the financial, emotional, and social costs of caregiving.
• Fear of not knowing what steps to take next.
• Fear of the impact caregiving will have on their marriage, job, and life.
These fears and concerns are common and valid. Caring for your aging parents takes time. If you are still working and raising a family, this is likely to be time you don’t have. Caring for your aging parents may also impact your own financial resources.
If you are reading this book and asking yourself if it is time to step in and help your aging parents, I can assure you that if you are asking that question, the answer is “yes”! It is never too early for a parent or adult child to begin a conversation of “what if,” and to plan for the day when complete independence is no longer a viable option.
3. How Do You Know Your Loved One Needs Help?
As a financial planner to retirees for more than 20 years, on more than one occasion I have asked my clients for permission to speak to their adult children, just like I did with Grace in the story mentioned at the beginning of this chapter. The purpose of those calls was to let their children know that I had reason to be concerned about their parents’ abilities. Missed appointments and getting lost on the way to our office are just some of the things that may point to a larger, underlying problem. Forgetting the name of their son-in-law or grandchild may be signs of a larger problem. By getting our clients’ children involved, we have helped some of our clients receive testing for, and confirm a diagnosis of, early stage Alzheimer’s.
If you are still unsure if it is time to step in, let’s help you identify where you are.
Gerontology specialists use two main measures when evaluating whether a person needs outside help and intervention. The first are the Activities of Daily Life mentioned earlier in section 1. If your loved one has problems with the following activities, then intervention is required:
• Incontinence
• Eating, and feeding oneself
• Getting in and out of bed
• Toileting
• Bathing
• Dressing
• Safety
The second list of activities, known as Instrumental or Intermediate Activities of Daily Life, are also essential when living alone:
• Managing finances
• Using the telephone
• Shopping
• Preparing meals
• Housekeeping
• Doing laundry
• Driving or using transportation
• Managing medications
Keep in mind, if your parents cannot maintain all the activities listed, that doesn’t necessarily mean they can no longer live independently in their own home; it just means they will require some support in order to do so for the time being.
While it may seem like the inability to do any of these tasks would be easy to spot, remember that it is difficult to notice many of these challenges unless you are living with the person. Simply asking for updates on the phone may not be sufficient as your parents may not want to worry you with the truth if they are having trouble. Acknowledge that as their child, you may not want to hear the truth yet either, as it means you will have to face some potentially scary health information about your loved one, as well as need to step in and take action. As scary as the truth may be, the sooner you know, the better.
Getting an honest picture of how your parents are doing requires a bit of detective work. Here are some things to look for the next time you visit their home:
• Observe how well they are dressed and their personal hygiene, especially when compared to how they typically looked in the past.
• Check the fridge and look into the level of food they keep on hand, and compare that with how frequently they are able to get to the store for more. Is it enough?
• Ask to see where they keep their medication. Compare the number of tablets in each bottle with the date the prescription was filled and ensure it is depleting at the correct rate.
• Make sure bills are being paid by checking for overdue notices, and seeing whether the phone, television, and electricity are all in working order.
• Check on levels of things such as laundry and garbage, and the cleanliness of their clothing, rooms, and bedding.
• Check that major changes haven’t happened without you knowing, such as the loss of their driver’s license, falls or injuries, or instances of getting lost.
• Ask for details about their social activities and take note of any social withdrawal behavior, such as no longer playing cards with friends or other activities they used to do regularly.
• Take note of any memory issues they exhibit, such as forgetting names of grandchildren or friends during conversation.
• Ask about their health. Sometimes they might not want to burden you with bad news, but if you ask a direct question about any new conditions they might have, or whether they’ve had to make any recent trips to the doctor, they’ll be more likely to tell you.
4. Are You Ready to Be a Caregiver?
Given the likelihood of you or your spouse taking on caregiving responsibilities at some point in the future, it is helpful to consider your readiness in doing so as early as possible. Whether or not the role of caregiver is taken on by choice or out of necessity, one of the most important things to consider and be aware of is the impact such a role will have on your life.
While caregivers can enjoy a great sense of satisfaction and purpose in knowing they are helping a loved one, there are challenges to be aware of including:[5]
• Financial stress
• Loss of social life
• Giving up personal interests due to lack of time or money
• Emotional stress including anxiety, loss of appetite, and depression
• Behavioral stresses such as dealing with challenging family dynamics and loss of privacy
Examining the full scope of a caregiver role is helpful in understanding what you can do ahead of time to prepare. Worksheet 1 can help gauge your readiness and point you towards the questions you need to start asking. (This Worksheet is in the download
