“That’s more than Cal woulda done for you. Don’t know what you did to piss him off, but it musta been something major.”
Sean knew she was waiting for him to clue her in. She was standing in nothing more than a red jersey and jeans, seemingly oblivious to the cold wind whipping her now-small curls into a frenzy. He had to push his own hair out of his face. Suzanne waited for something, anything. But there was nothing he could give her.
She must have realized this because she changed the subject. “That your old bike? Thought you gave it to Sam.”
Sean nodded. “I did. I’m just borrowing it while I’m in town. He’s got a new Harley, anyway.”
“Yeah, looks like it’s seen better days. Almost ready for the scrap. So, why did you stop by, Sean?”
“Maybe I was hoping that time might have made it easier…”
“Easier for what? For you to slink back and apologize? Uhn-uhn, no way. You don’t know the hell I had to go through because of you.”
“What hell? What’re you talking about?”
She stared hard, then her features gave way to a normal expression, conceding to some internal resolution, leaving him just to look and wonder what she was keeping from him.
“Look, tell me what I did wrong other than leave town? I know I should’ve called, but you don’t know what was going on…There just wasn’t time.”
She gave her head a quick shake.
“Can I come in?”
“For what?”
“To talk, catch up on what’s been going on?”
“OK, Sean, here’s a quick summary of what’s been going on with me. For starters, I got pregnant. Yeah, that’s right. But not to worry, ’cause I also got an abortion. Of course, I had to get on antidepressants after that. And right now, I’m trying to get a nursing degree so that I can finally move out of my father’s house. Oh, and by the way, the baby was yours. But, hey, don’t worry. It’s all good now. So, I don’t need anything from you. Not anymore. So what’s been up with you?”
The rush of words slapped him like a physical blow. There was no ducking them, even if he had seen them coming. But how could he have known? They’d always used a condom. How the hell?
“How…when?” the questions stumbled from him, earning him another glare of derision.
“Does it matter?”
“Tell me, dammit!”
He hadn’t meant to snap, but shit, she was skewering him for something he hadn’t even known about.
“I found out about a month after you sneaked out of town. Of course, I couldn’t tell my dad. He woulda just called me stupid. And I was stupid…”
“But we used protection…”
“Obviously it didn’t work at least one of the times we got together. Outside of Cheryl, there was no one else I could turn to.”
At Cheryl’s name, Sean felt his back stiffen. The thought that Cheryl Lansky might have had any say about the existence of his child…”
“She the one who told you to get the abortion?”
“So, what if she did? It’s not like you were around to help make the decision. Dammit, Sean, I couldn’t afford to have a baby. At least Cheryl was there to help me see what I had to do.”
“She get you the drugs, too?” Good ole Cheryl, who’d turned him on to heroin and who knew ways to get a whole pharmacy. Who had tried on several occasions to seduce him behind Suzanne’s back, and who, no doubt, had run his name into the ground when he was away because he’d had the audacity to say no.
Suzanne’s silence answered the question. No legitimate doctor would prescribe antidepressants to a teenager, at least not without her father’s consent. And if she’d kept her pregnancy a secret from her father, then she would have had a hard time explaining why she’d need pills. Of course, the doctor could have been part of Cheryl’s network of “favor-givers.” Sean had no illusions what favors Cheryl gave in payment.
“You don’t have any right to judge.”
“No right, huh? I guess not. It was my baby, after all…”
“But you weren’t here.” She crossed her arms again, daring him.
No, he hadn’t been here. Even though they were broken up at the time he left, he had been responsible for a life. A life he might have been able to save had he not had to leave. His absence had cost him a child he hadn’t even known about. The thought caused his stomach to churn with anger and sadness.
“No, I wasn’t.”
“And no reason for you being here now.”
He stared at her for a few seconds. She was aged beyond the few years he had been gone. Her soul was hardened, and he hated that he was the cause. But at least it was good she was trying to make a future for herself so that her life wasn’t totally derailed. Maybe one day she would be able to forgive him. Maybe one day he might forgive himself.
“I guess you’re right,” he said solemnly, softly. He caught a flicker, a softening in her expression. But he didn’t stay around to see whether he was mistaken or not. He got on his bike, drove off, knowing that she was still standing on the porch, watching his receding back. Watching him leave her life again for the second time.
Lacey raked up the strewn carcasses of twigs, rose petals, and leaves. She hadn’t realized she’d been serious about getting rid of the rose bushes. But after the incident in the living room, she’d escaped to the back porch, and the blood-red of those beautiful petals just mocked her confusion and sadness. She’d retrieved the shears from the basement and had set about doing something constructive. At least, it had seemed so at the time. But destruction was never constructive; in another few weeks, she would regret undoing years of care and nurturing, would miss the lovely scent. She was going to have to rake up this mess, but right now she was too tired.
She walked back into the kitchen, wondering if Sean was still in his room. Or rather, the guest room. Before, when he’d stayed over nights, he’d slept in the extra bed in Cal’s room. It seemed strange that he was all grown up now. That he was here without Cal.
That she’d been willing to let him kiss her.
No, she wasn’t going to go there.
She left the shears on the counter, walked through the kitchen into the foyer. Checked the living room but he wasn’t there.
She spotted the empty bottle from last night, winced at the memory of her drunkenness. The CDs were neatly stacked on the table’s edge. Probably Sean’s doing.
The doorbell rang, breaking into her thoughts. She went to the door and found Raymond standing there with a grin, a covered picnic basket in his left hand.
“Baked up a batch of blackberry muffins. Made a few too many for myself. Thought you might want something sweet.”
