he’d retrieved from the refrigerator. His motions were deft, quick. Much like a chef’s.
“I spoke with Joe this morning,” her mother offered. “He’s not doing so well.”
Lacey lowered the fire, turned to her mother. “Is it his heart again?” Joe had suffered a mild heart attack nearly two years ago, but with a restrictive diet and regular medication, had just about recovered.
“I don’t think so. I think…well…with Calvin’s death and all…he’s going through a slight depression. That’s never good on the body.”
“I have to call him. Invite him over for dinner tomorrow, maybe.”
“That might do him some good. Still…it’s going to take some time. For all of us.”
Lacey peered at her mother, really seeing her since she had walked into the house. Noticed that her body wasn’t as erect as before. Her pallor was a little grayish and there were circles beneath her eyes. She always got those when she wasn’t sleeping well.
“Maybe you and Estelle can come over, as well. It’ll do us all good to be together. You know.”
Her mother nodded, smiled. “I know.” Then, looking at Sean, “So, Sean…may I call you Sean…” and not waiting for an answer, “where do you usually stay?”
Sean had finished cutting the cucumber and was tossing the mixture. “I stay in Muncie, Indiana.”
“And what do you do in Muncie?”
“Mom, lay off the questions, OK? Sean isn’t here to be grilled. He came for the funeral and is staying just another day, then he’s going back. To Muncie.”
Despite her protest, Lacey had been tempted to let her mother continue the questions. Her mother had a way of getting information out of people that would have been suitable to Gestapo tactics. Lord knew, she’d pulled enough secrets from Lacey during her younger years. Had made Lacey’s growing up an exercise in evasive maneuvering in order just to have a life. Still, she wouldn’t sic her mother on Sean. He was an enigma, but that was his business. If he wanted to tell them about his life, then he would. Still, she had to admit she was curious.
If he wasn’t going to school, then what was he doing? And in Muncie, no less. How did he support himself? What plans did he have for the future? Why had he moved from Canada back to the States, away from Joan?
Lacey mentally shook away the questions. It was as though she wanted to step in as a surrogate mother. Because she still needed to be a mom, still needed to care about someone, to watch them become a fully realized adult, to see their dreams fulfilled. She couldn’t do that for Cal any longer. And she had to fight the lure of stepping past the boundaries Sean had set, to see him…well, happy. Throughout the years she had known him, she’d been able to count on two hands the number of times she’d seen him smile. Even now, she still sensed a deeper layer of melancholy. But then again, that may have been due to Calvin’s death. And all those missed opportunities to reconcile.
Calvin had rarely mentioned Sean in the intervening years, and the few times she brought up Sean’s name, Cal had snapped at her. And she had snapped back at his impudence. “Why this rift, Cal? What the hell went down between you two?”
But her son had been as reticent as Sean was being.
She had long ago given up trying to find out what had happened between her son and his former friend. Maybe it was for the best.
Some things were better not known.
Calvin Devonne Burnham. A couple of times, he had nearly forgotten his own name. He didn’t know whether that was a sign he was moving on…or simply fading away. He had given up on the idea of heaven or hell. Yet, if he was to slip into nothingness, he would rather it happen soon. Now, even. That would be so much better than watching Sean sitting with his mother and grandmother at the kitchen table, looking like he belonged there. Belonged in this house. His grandmother was actually smiling at the motherf…mother-fuc…He paused, shook his head. He was losing words. Losing memories. He pressed hard to grab on to one, to anything.
Then, thankfully, they began to come to him, one after another, not fully crystallized, but defined enough to help him focus. He remembered his father pushing him on one of the kiddie swings in Taylor Park. Remembered gripping hard to the chain and laughing harder as he swung to the sky. He remembered his mother holding his hand as they stood in line to get tickets to see a Care Bear movie. He had loved the Care Bears. Although, a few years later he would pretend that he had never seen or read anything remotely similar about fuzzy bears, no matter how much his mother pressed with an “Oh c’mon, Cal, you remember how much you adored the Care Bears?” Thankfully, she had never questioned him about it in front of his friends.
His mother had been cool like that. So had his Gram, Aunt Estelle, and especially Uncle Joe.
He was sad to hear that Joe wasn’t doing that well. All because of him.
And Gram wasn’t looking good, either. Yet she managed to smile at something Sean said, and some of her sadness seemed to fall away.
Sean had a way of making females smile.
Another memory. A party. Cal had been about fourteen, Sean fifteen. Cal’s mom had gone to the movies on one of her very few dates. Some loser with a balding head, and the mistaken belief that a pink shirt and purple tie meshed. Cal had waited until he heard the front door shut behind them. He could hear his mother laughing at some lame joke her date was telling. He also could tell by the sound of her laugh that she really didn’t find the joke funny, that she was just being polite.
He’d called Sean minutes after.
“I heard Cheryl’s got something on tonight. Bunch of folk gonna be there. I betcha Suz is, too. Wanna go?”
He’d heard Sean’s pause. “I don’t think so, man. My father’s been at it again.”
“More reason to get outta the house.”
“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. If my old man finds me gone, he’s gonna explode.”
“So, what you do is wait ’til he passes out. You know the drill. He’ll probably be out all night, so you’re home free. Besides, Cheryl’s parents are out of town, so you know that party is gonna go on into the morning. Man, c’mon, let’s go.”
“What about your mom?”
“She’s on some lame date tonight. Besides, I got the bed made up with pillows. She’ll think I’m sleeping. And later, I can sneak back in through the window. She’ll never know. C’mon, no excuses, man. Let’s go.”
It hadn’t taken much to convince Sean. Especially if it meant a few hours away from home, which Cal knew was pretty messed up. There were things Sean wouldn’t let on, but Cal had figured out anyway. Some really mean bruises Sean had tried to keep hidden that Cal had peeped. Sometimes, they’d be so bad, Sean would wait out the other guys in the showers after gym before he’d take off his clothes.
Cal had ridden his bike over to Cheryl’s house, which had been streaming with kids hanging out on the lawn, the back deck, and pool. Lights blazed, music blared, but not to a screeching pitch; Cheryl knew enough not to piss her neighbors off too much—otherwise the cops would be called and there’d be a lot of explaining to do to her
