me of plagiarizing myself.
One thing that separates my site from the majority of others is that I don’t have advertisements, pop-ups, epileptic spasm banners, or any other obnoxious bullshit that makes the Internet unbearable. Not having advertisements has allowed me to say whatever I want without self-censorship, but it comes at a tremendous cost to me. I’m giving up $12,000 a month to bring my site to the masses, censorship and annoyance free. Not only that, but the bandwidth it takes to host my site costs more than most people’s mortgage payments.
So after running the site for free all these years, you’re probably wondering why am I publishing a book now? Simple: money. I want as much money as possible. I want to go to exclusive Hollywood parties where I’ll feel in place using the word “amazing” as a noun. I want some serious “fuck you” money. I want to be so rich that instead of having my henchmen kill people, I can do it myself in broad daylight in front of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, while I download music illegally from the Internet. Also, not having to eat ramen soup ever again would be nice.
The other question you’re probably wondering is “What does Maddox know about manliness?” To answer your question, I would refer you to the hair on my knuckles. And if that weren’t enough, I’d show you the hair on my back. I didn’t wear a shirt to work for an entire month one time and nobody noticed.
ABOUT THE BOOK
This book is all about men and what men like. It’s the definitive reference book about manliness. If it needs to be shaved, beaten, or sexed, there’s a good chance it’ll be in this book. Everything from the classy bible-like filigree on the front cover to the diagrams and tabs on each page give this book a frank and authoritative feel. If you’re standing around in a bookstore with your thumb up your ass, wondering why someone would have a picture of a man punching a gorilla on the cover of a book, this book isn’t for you. Kindly put it down and get the fuck out of the store. On the other hand, maybe you’re a woman and you’re reading this wondering “Is this book just for men?” I would say that it is only for men in the same way that lesbian porn sites on the Internet are only for women.
A is for…ASS-KICKING
THE PHRASE “ASS KICKING” has changed over the years from its humble origin as the union of one’s foot with another person’s ass, to an expression today that has nothing to do with asses, or even kicking. The picture at the beginning of this section epitomizes ass kicking. Time for a pop quiz: What’s more awesome than a lumberjack punching Santa in the face? (A) Nothing, or (B) All the above. I gave this quiz to my friend’s wife, and she got the wrong answer. She kept asking questions like “what’s so cool about Santa getting punched in the face? That’s not cool, that’s mean.” Wrong answer, bitch. The reason she doesn’t “get it” is the same reason all women don’t get it: Men invented ass kicking along with chainsaws, beef jerky, and happiness.
Although purists would agree that the classic ass kicking (Figure 1) is sufficiently awesome and/or tits, new approaches, techniques, and interpretations have been welcomed to the ass-kicking catalogue over the years. Take for example the punch-to-the-cojones ass kicking. Just follow the two simple steps in Figures 2 and 3 to find yourself ball-busting in no time.
Figure 1: Ass, meet foot
THE COCK PUNCH
There are two main procedures for transferring one’s fist to the cock. The first method is the crescent punch, which is especially handy with missionaries who can’t take a hint, people who jog in place while waiting for the light to turn green, and self-important clerks who ask, “What can I do you for?” Of course, if you answer the subtle sexual proposition, the clerk will always seem confused because it’s a mantra that’s often chanted unintentionally, almost like it’s a desperate last attempt at being a comedian, or anything else that doesn’t so closely resemble the mundane hell of life in a convenience store, thus warranting a slug to said clerk’s pecker. The crescent approach isn’t a cock punch in the strictest sense of the word, as one rarely punches the actual cock as defined as shaft + helmet. It’s more of a nut busting (not to be confused with busting a nut), but still, it’s related to the cock punching family.
CRESCENT METHOD
STEP 1: Wind back in a graceful, semicircular motion (Figure 2). Note: the trick here is having a good excuse to find yourself below the victim’s waist line. For example, try saying “oops, I need to tie my shoe laces,” or “hey look, some spare change,” or the fail safe “I think I’ll crouch down here for no reason, especially not to punch you in the dick.”
Figure 2
STEP 2: Thrust your fist into the opponent’s crotch so that the momentum of your thrust is directed upward, as if to force the gonads back into the pelvic cavity (Figure 3). Note: if your victim happens to be a woman, this method is known as the “ovarian delight,” which isn’t a delight so much as a jab to the ovaries.
Figure 3
STEALTH METHOD
The second, more common delivery method is the top-down, or high-level approach. It is sometimes referred to as the “stealth” method because the victim rarely foresees the dong thumping he’s about to receive. This method is most easily carried out during casual conversations, especially as a substitute for feigning interest in whatever boring activity your co-workers filled their weekends with. Start out with a friendly gesture, perhaps a bit of light small talk like “how’s it going?” Or even “hanging in there?” Don’t get too carried away though. Asking questions like “how’s work?” might suggest that you have some knowledge of whatever project your coworker is working on, which might give him or her the impression that you’re interested, or even worse, that you care.
If things go awry and you find yourself inundated with too much boring psychobabble too quickly, it’s acceptable to initiate early, though a premature thrust may dampen the satisfaction of leading your victim on with knowing nods and polite “mmm hmm”s. When you’re finally ready, make sure to step into the punch so you have the weight of your body backing you (Figure 4). If you punch hard enough, it’s possible to punch someone’s dick clean off, though you have to be extremely manly to do this. We’re talking hairy eyeballs.
Figure 4: Let him know you mean business with a stealthy jab to the shaft.
DROPKICK TO THE FACE
The dropkick isn’t just for impressing your peers by dispatching litter into a ravine, or for those unfortunate occasions when you find yourself actually having to play soccer. The dropkick can be employed in situations ranging from setting a friend straight for making eye contact at a urinal to punishing children for bad grades.1
STEP 1: Hold the subject by his head (Figure 5).
Figure 5
STEP
