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Figure 4: Setting the wheels in motion…
STEP 2:
Get in close to your subject and crouch down behind her. It’s important here to bend with your knees, not with your back. You’ll see why shortly.
Once in the crouching position, look down at your item and move your head in as close to her ass as possible without actually touching it. Next, reach down with one hand to grab your item, and simultaneously reach up with the other to cop a feel. Immediately after contact, pull your hand away before she has a chance to turn around (Figure 5).
Figure 5: What’s that touching her ass? Was it some guy innocently bumping his head as he picked up his belongings, or something more sinister?
If you’ve done it successfully, it should look like your head bumped into her ass accidentally as you went down to pick up your item—a plausible, if suspicious, event. This will probably creep her out, and rightly so. When she walks away, you’re in the clear to congratulate yourself with a quiet “yes!”
Practicing on the ass battlefield is great for beginners, but those with a bit more experience may want to move on to high-value targets that are a bit more challenging. Only after you have mastered the butt-grope will you be prepared to move to the next level. It is said that a coin with risk on one side has reward on the other. This is especially true with the next target.
THE BREAST
A woman’s chest is the holy grail of flesh grapplers. No target is more sought-after, and yet, no target is more daunting. The path to chest grabbing is a perilous one that has sent many brazen men crashing down in defeat, humiliation, and occasionally jail time. Copping a feel on a breast is difficult for two reasons: 1. Its location on the body is front and center, below the woman’s face, in direct line of sight, and 2. A woman’s breast is very sensitive to touch—so much so that women can be induced into orgasm by merely rubbing against them in an elevator; happens all the time.
While it may seem impossible, many men before you have expended a great deal of time and energy conquering this challenge. The result? A handful of techniques, finely crafted and sophisticated. As before, we’ll start out with a basic maneuver and move on to more advanced techniques.
A great place to make an initial attempt for the bosom is in a car. It only works if the woman is in the passenger seat and the man is driving.2 The gist of this approach is to artificially cause the woman to lean forward, using the momentum of your car. This method may seem intuitive at first, but you should exercise careful planning and restraint for successful execution. Here’s how:
STEP 1: This step works best in a busy city. If you happen to live in a rural town, move.
While you’re driving, look for an opportunity to slam on your breaks. Stale green lights are perfect for the occasion. Try to spot a light that’s been green for at least 15 seconds; it’s best to do this from the distance of at least one block away.
Now comes the tricky part: divert your passenger’s attention to something outside her window, pointing your arm to an object to her right, so that your arm is already in position for the next step (Figure 6).
Figure 6
STEP 2: With your arm in place, all that’s left is to bring the car to an abrupt stop to send your unsuspecting subject’s tits into your dirty hands.
Try to time your stop eight to ten feet away from the intersection.
Figure 7: Success! Enjoy it, you manipulative bastard.
If you pull it off, the light should change red just as you get to the stop line, giving you a good excuse to slam on your breaks.
This part requires a great deal of self-discipline because it contradicts man’s every instinct to “run the yellow.”
Make sure to open your hand at the last second to palm her chest, otherwise your efforts will have gone to waste (Figure 7).
The momentum method can be an especially useful choice if you happen to be good at feigning sincerity. A successful completion will not only give you the satisfaction of touching her boobs but also makes you seem like you were concerned over the well-being of your passenger; it’s a win-win. Keep in mind that for this to work, she has to believe that your arm was on her chest to prevent her from suffering the mild abrasions sometimes associated with seatbelt locking. Don’t let her suggest that the airbags would have protected her. Bags of air are no substitute for a real man’s arm.
While this method is useful, it only gives you a superficial feel of her breast. It barely registers as a touch, let alone a fully realized grope. If you want to go for gold, you need to step up to the next level. You need to maximize your palm-to-tit surface area, and there are only a few ways to do this without getting slapped. Your best bet is to blend in with a crowd, and there’s no better place than at a concert.
Concerts are not only great for chest grabbers, but they’re also great for the lazy ass-gropers who don’t want to put forth the effort and planning it takes to touch an ass in a day-to-day setting. But before you make an attempt, you need to survey your surroundings to scope out the location of all the hot chicks. This can be tricky because women at rock concerts usually don’t go up to the very front where they’re likely to get their asses kicked, so they tend to stay further back in the crowd. The catch is that the front is usually where you’ll find the best prospects for breast grabbing, because the masses tend to pack tight in the front like idiots so they can get closer to the band, because the band members take note of the people up front so they can become friends after the show.
Luckily, not all women are afraid of the crowds up front, and once you’ve spotted a target, the first thing you need to do is get in position. Here are the specific steps you need to take.
STEP 1: The best position to be in for this maneuver is standing behind a guy who’s standing behind her (Figure 8). This step is critical, because this guy will be your scapegoat, unless he happens to be her boyfriend, in which case you’re on your own. Don’t worry about the details too much though, things usually work out.
STEP 2: Weave your arm through the crowd to reach the side of your target; you may need to feel around a bit for her breast. Since space is limited, it will be difficult for her to turn around quickly.
Figure 8: You (1), your scapegoat (2), and your target (3).
Figure 9: You should have a blank look on your face. Look straight ahead as you get acquainted with her breast. She might suspect the person standing behind her as the culprit, but never the person standing behind him. Never.
Her first inclination will be to look down in disbelief at the hand groping her chest (Figure 9). Don’t let this dissuade you. Just because she sees your hand doesn’t mean she knows whom it belongs
