do in emergency situations, but what about the different kinds of dumps we can take? Here’s a brief primer.
THE IMPOSSIBLE FIRE HOSE: This is one of those shits you take where everything comes out in one smooth motion and only requires one cut; the result often resembles a fire hose or resting python. These are exceedingly rare occurrences, which is why they’re referred to as “impossible.”
THE EVENT HORIZON: When you lay so much brick that the output forms a small hill that rises above the surface of the water in the bowl. Low-fill toilets don’t count. Courtesy flush encouraged.
CHOCOLATE SHOTGUN: This is what happens when explosive diarrhea meets a weak O-ring.
RING OF FIRE: A common occurrence when you drink the water in developing countries resulting in dysentery. After the third or fourth day, there will be literally nothing in your bowels to shit out, so the only thing left is stomach acid.
GREAT BALLS OF FIRE: When you have the above and you wipe from back to front.
THE “I MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD”: When you spend a lot of time and energy in preparation, try really hard, and nothing comes out.
CASPER THE FRIENDLY COMPOST: When you’ve had nothing but piña coladas to eat or drink for twenty-four hours straight, your yield will literally become white. Try it!
THE GIRLFRIEND: Keeps going, and going, and going…
THE SURVIVOR: When you think you’re done and you wipe, a solitary turd pushes through at the last minute. This is usually the cause of clogged toilets because many people forget to flush after they wipe the first time. The second unit of toilet paper overwhelms most toilets, and you end up having to mop shit off the floor. Or if you’re a guest at someone’s house, sprint to your car.
THE PRISON BREAK: When you’re pucker-butting for over thirty minutes, and you have to go up a flight of stairs, the stimulation will give way to a turtle head that will exploit a crack in the wall, letting one loose in your trousers and making you the butt of jokes for years to come.
E is for…ENLIGHTENMENT
QUICKLY, NAME TWO FAMOUS WOMEN INVENTORS. Too hard? Okay, name one. How about a famous invention made by a woman? Give up? That’s because there are none. Men invented everything. From Plato’s momentous discovery of wrestling (Figure 1), to John Holmes’s perfection of the money shot, all notable milestones of human achievement have come about because of men.
Modern researchers have made estimates regarding the earliest known evidence of the discovery of fire, but they maintain that nobody knows the exact date of this celebrated first encounter. But c’mon, we all know when fire was really discovered. It was found the second that man realized that animals were made out of meat. Since Eve’s better half, Adam, was the first man on Earth, he was the discoverer of fire. Problem solved, question answered.
Speaking of Adam, it’s worth mentioning some of the other noteworthy nuggets of enlightenment he came across before that bitch Eve stuffed her face full of fruit from the tree of knowledge, robbing man of eternal life.
Figure 1: Plato often contemplated the question of whether one could be taught virtue. He regularly invoked the flying elbow as a pedagogical method in which the master conveys his elbow to the pupil’s skull repeatedly, and through this repetition, the pupil eventually comes to enlightenment. Or a coma.
ADAM—THE PIONEER OF SLACKING
In the beginning, when God created the heavens—a vast and expansive cloud of dust and gas that eventually coalesced into planets revolving around a hydrogenous fusion core—he also fancied creating Earth, a planet ripe with the dust of creation. Being the resourceful God that he is, he decided to put all this dust to good use and to create man from it. It took millions of years and countless particles of matter to culminate in the creation of man, and what does Adam do when he’s put on Earth? What every red-blooded man does when he gets some free time: nothing (Figure 2). In his early years, Adam spent most of his time loafing around, limp-wristed out of contempt for all the hardworking animals around him. The ancient Greek statesman Aesop once told a fable about the ant and the grasshopper, in which the diligent ants labored tirelessly throughout the spring and summer months to store food for the winter, while the grasshopper laughed and played, mocking his arthropodic brethren for working so hard.
Figure 2: Adam, seen here bored off his ass, undertaking one of man’s earliest endeavors: loafing.
Adam, like the grasshopper, disdains those nimble, overly productive creatures that give the rest of us a bad name. When winter came, the grasshopper met his cold and bitter demise as he starved while watching the ants reap the fruits of their labor. Adam, unlike the grasshopper, did not starve when winter came because man was endowed with resourcefulness and cunning. So he did what every man does when he gets hungry: he made his woman cook. This bold experiment in laziness paved the path for the men who came after Adam, which is all of them.
ADAM—HOW BLAME BECAME
Adam was one of the most prolific innovators of his time, but simply stating so doesn’t do justice to his brand of lackadaisical genius since there were few others vying for the title in his era. One other, to be exact. But historians don’t prescribe much value to Eve’s nagging toward the contribution of humanity’s intellect. Along with destroying our bid for immortality, Eve set the ball in motion for feminine inadequacy for millennia to come.
That leads us to her infamous deed: eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge. Here’s a question that not a lot of people think about: What if the culprit was really Adam? Not possible? Think about it; what could be more spiteful than breaking the only law (which is really the same as breaking every law), then bailing out and letting an entire gender take the heat for it? It’s too tempting not to consider. Here’s how it could have played out: maybe Adam was feeling particularly hungry that day, and he decided that it would be bitchin’ if he could grab a bite to eat and disobey a divine mandate all on his lunch break. Or maybe he wanted to eat the apple just to see if he could get away with it unscathed, much like a child standing up on a roller coaster ride at an amusement park in spite of all the warnings. Whatever the reason, it’s possible that Adam was the one who ate the forbidden fruit. After all, history would later prove that men are almost supernaturally wise.
After doing the misdeed, Adam might have put his newfound knowledge to good use by passing the buck on to Eve when God came asking (Figure 3). The conversation might have gone something like this:
Figure 3: Dodging the wrath.
GOD: Who hath grazed from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: Someone ate from the tree?
GOD: The tree of knowledge.
ADAM: Yeah, wow. Uh…that’s just…wow. I don’t know what to say.
GOD: Do you know anything about it?
ADAM:
