the beat of his heart, etc.). When we cannot interact with our love object as we are used to, that part of the brain becomes inflamed, looking for him. This inflammation is associated with low serotonin levels, which leads to depression, trouble sleeping, feeling obsessed, loss of appetite, and wanting to isolate ourselves. Additionally, a deficit in endorphins, which modulates pain and pleasure pathways in the brain, may be responsible for why we feel physical pain during a breakup. Your heart literally aches. The pathways in the brain associated with non-romantic attachments function in much the same way (Hass-Cohen and Findlay, 2015).
We attach ourselves to the relics of our partners because they function as “transitional objects.” These physical items are popularly understood to be a stand-in for the missing loved one, like a teddy bear for a child who misses his or her mother. But they are symbols for not only the absent person, but your version of the absent person—the image you have of him in your head. The actual person was likely a close approximation, but your fantasies for the relationship were probably founded on whatever image of him you still cling to in your mind (Winnicott, 1970).
HOW DO PHYSICAL EXPERIENCES COMPLICATE UNFINISHED BUSINESS?
Our physical needs are a powerful force that demands immediate attention. Often, the pain of grief is unbearable and so we seek short-term escapes from it. These escapes are usually effective distractions because they are characterized by their ability to alter our physical experience of pain. Perhaps they simply numb the pain, or they might replicate the feeling of “oneness” that our love object provided, be it sex, affection, food, medication, drugs, alcohol, excessive exercise, mind-altering meditation practices, and the like (Fromm, 1956; Viorst, 1986). Such distractions only serve to perpetuate unfinished business because they prevent an acknowledgement of its existence. Like putting a Band-Aid on an infected wound and expecting it to heal.
It is also important to be aware of the physiological changes that occur in our bodies if the lost love object was a sexual partner. Both men and women experience chemical changes in their bodies that have a calming and stabilizing effect on mood through repeated sexual intercourse with the same person, which promotes healthy physiological function (in fact, having sex a minimum of three times per week can make you look ten years younger). Hormonal balance also plays a role, particularly for women (Amen, 2007). All of these physiological experiences serve to complicate our experience of grief.
What happens to us mentally and emotionally when we grieve?
I purposely did not divide “mental” aspects from “emotional” aspects because from a developmental perspective, their relationship is too tightly intertwined. If the physical, social, and spiritual realms of experience were the primary colors of red, blue, and yellow, mental and emotional aspects together would be a secondary blend, like purple, green, or orange.
James and Friedman (2009) are vehement in their assertions that grief is not purely a mental or “intellectual” problem: “Grief is a broken heart, not a broken brain. All efforts to heal the heart with the head fail because the head is the wrong tool for the job. It’s like trying to paint with a hammer—it only makes a mess” (p.5). I would emphasize, however, that your emotions have a reciprocal relationship with your perceptions and cognitive decision making. Strong emotions, sometimes referred to as “affects,” can be stimulated by significant loss, knocking your rational self off its throne. Thus, you are not always in your “right mind” when you are grieving (Stein, 2004). This can lead to the utilization of short-term escapes I mentioned earlier, which serve to temporarily stave off the emotions that fuel cyclical negative thoughts.
HOW DO MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL STRESSORS COMPLICATE UNFINISHED BUSINESS?
The problem with taking a purely intellectual approach to recovery is that though it may be well meaning, it could be unintentionally abusive and belittling to one’s emotions. For example, if a person is suffering a bad breakup and a close friend says, “Don’t feel bad, he was a jerk anyway. Plenty of fish in the sea.” The observance of maltreatment and the individual’s ability to find a new partner, while factually correct, are emotionally barren. They also indirectly criticize the griever for still loving someone that has been deemed unworthy, putting the griever in the position of feeling attacked and defending the lost love object, which is confusing and can lead to emotional isolation and withdrawal from social supports.
Another example of intellectualizing and rationalizing is the tendency to compare and minimize: “Well, I may be sad and alone, but at least I’m not down and out on the street.” Again, while factually accurate, this attitude only serves to push the emotions you have a right to feel and express by the wayside, to remain ignored and unacknowledged. This is a function of internalized ideas about shame and “selfishness.” Please take this to heart; it is not selfish to grieve, nor is it selfish to move on. Wolfelt (2014) makes this point most eloquently: “To honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is life sustaining and life-giving, and it ultimately leads you back to love again. In this way, love is both the cause and the antidote…it is a great gift that we can openly mourn our life losses.” This is further illuminated in the “six myths about grief.”
What defines a social context for grief?
There are three things that define a social context for grief: 1) how others react to you and your grief on an individual level, 2) socially accepted rituals for grieving in a group context, and 3) the political labels we assign the griever.
1.How others react to you and your grief on an individual level is deeply revealing of all personality constructs involved. How you generally respond to obstacles in life will likely reflect your response to significant loss, on an intensified level. For example, if you are quiet by nature, you may express grief quietly, while your brother prods, “Cry it out!” If you are naturally outgoing, you might express your grief openly, prompting your stuffy aunt to roll her eyes and harshly whisper, “Put a lid on it.” If loved ones criticize your coping skills on a regular day, they will respond in equal measure to the intensity of your grief.
2.Socially accepted rituals for grieving in a group context can help or hinder your grief experience. There is a wealth of research that supports the importance of ritual in creating a context of meaning. A funeral or similar ceremony is a time and place to express your feelings about death, thus legitimizing them. A funeral can also bring you closer to your social supports in a collaborative effort, which has been shown to aid in the surpassing of individual differences and conflicts (Hansen, 2009). Public acknowledgement and support also affirms that life goes on, and can serve to bring one back to his or her religious, spiritual, and/or philosophical beliefs in a positive fashion (James and Freidman, 2009; Matthews and Clark, 1998; Wolfelt, 2004).
3.The political labels we assign the griever depend upon the type of loss a person experiences. For example, there are many support groups and organizations centered around the circumstances of loss, such as suicide, murder, AIDS and other chronic illnesses, death of a child, military service, divorce, rape, substance abuse, and so on. Self-help groups centered around a type of loss not only serve you in your ongoing journey towards integration and recovery from grief feelings, but they help you acknowledge the myths about grief you may be unconsciously perpetuating, as you listen to someone describe the tricks he used to play in avoiding his feelings. Loss-specific support groups also provide a safe place in which to express yourself, because you anticipate an empathic response (James and Freidman, 2009; Jung, 2001; Maisel and Raeburn, 2008; Matthews and Clark, 1998; Wolfelt, 2004).
HOW DO SOCIAL STRESSORS COMPLICATE UNFINISHED BUSINESS?
1.Friends, family members, lovers, and other community members cannot help but project their own ideas about how to handle grief onto your situation. Because we are ill equipped as a society with knowing how to acknowledge, confront, and process loss, your pain will inevitably conjure the echoes of their repressed pain and unacknowledged losses. This complicates grief because it illuminates pre-existing interpersonal
