but she knew she had to be there regardless. She kept telling herself, It is my duty. This is what Ernest asked for.
Carolyn looked around at some of the parents there. Most seemed to be well off, just like she was. Carolyn tried not to stare too long, but she couldn’t help it. She felt a pang of jealousy when she saw that some of the couples were holding hands and being supportive of each other. Seemingly happy families made her stomach churn. She wished that was her life again.
Damn you, Ernest.
Carolyn shook her head to clear it and tried to focus on why she was there—for her youngest child, Donna. Her third and last child. It had cost them three hundred thousand dollars to get Donna the treatment she needed. This time. This was her fourth stint in rehab, and Carolyn could only pray it was the last. It was an expense neither Carolyn nor Ernest could argue wasn’t necessary. Private drug rehabilitation was expensive, but in Carolyn’s assessment, there was no amount of money that could keep her from trying to save her daughter, or maybe save face with her friends was more like it.
There was no way Carolyn could stand for any of her socialite friends or any of Ernest’s business partners finding out that Donna was addicted to drugs and had been living like a virtual vagabond for the past year. The thought of anyone finding out made a chill shoot down Carolyn’s spine. She hunched her shoulders in an attempt to relax, but the dark thought still hovered in her mind. If someone did discover the truth about Donna, it would be like finding out Desiree was pregnant out of wedlock all over again. Or finding out that Junior had begun to dabble in an underworld he had no business dealing in.
Carolyn remembered clearly how devastated she was when she found out their youngest was addicted to heroin. It was Rebecca who’d nervously told Carolyn about Donna’s addiction. Carolyn also thought back to how Ernest had screamed at her and had told her it was all her fault that another one of his children was an embarrassment to the Johnson name. He had told Carolyn that it was her “trashy” DNA and family lineage that had caused Donna to be such a disappointment. It hadn’t been the first time Ernest had used Carolyn’s upbringing against her during an argument. He’d also blamed her for Desiree’s pregnancy and Junior’s arrests. It was all Carolyn’s fault if you asked Ernest.
The night Donna was born, Ernest had missed the entire birth—from Carolyn’s labor to the minute Donna took her first breath. Carolyn had spent sixteen hours in labor at the UChicago Hospital, and Ernest had never shown up, not even for a minute of it. Both of Ernest’s parents had come rushing into Carolyn’s private birthing room in a huff after they’d gotten the news that the newest member of the family was about to arrive. They’d left Junior and Desiree with Rebecca at the Hyde Park mansion. Neither of Ernest’s parents could explain why their son wasn’t around and why Carolyn hadn’t been able to reach him when she called. Ernest’s parents had long since stopped making excuses for Ernest, because they knew Carolyn wasn’t buying it anymore.
Carolyn felt that they were present at the birth only because they secretly hoped they could make sure she didn’t get too unhappy and file for divorce from their son. They’d rather die than see Carolyn get any part of their fortune for herself. Carolyn had known for months about Ernest and his philandering. She knew how his parents really felt about her and also how against divorce they were. Carolyn hadn’t felt that alone in a room full of people since her days working the restaurant scene in Idlewild. Nurses, Ernest’s parents, and doctors circled her, providing for her every need. But no one could soothe the ache of loneliness she felt from Ernest’s absence.
After a horrendous labor, Carolyn gave birth to a perfect little girl, her last baby, by cesarean section. She made sure she got her tummy tucked at the same time. She wouldn’t have wanted to disappoint Ernest by not keeping herself up—even though she knew that Ernest was stepping out with other women behind her back.
The baby girl was a perfect chubby-faced, screaming bundle of joy. She had Ernest’s hazel eyes and prominent chin and Carolyn’s long limbs and button nose.
“Let’s call her Donna, after her great-grandmother,” Ernest’s mother said after she had laid eyes on her granddaughter. “Donna Johnson.”
Ernest’s father agreed, and who was Carolyn to argue with such a powerful patriarch? Whatever the Johnsons wanted, the Johnsons got. Carolyn had learned that the hard way. Still, despite the fact that she physically and mentally exhausted, Carolyn was determined to have a say when it came to her daughter’s name. She suggested that they call the baby Donna Bethann Johnson. Carolyn thought it was a fair compromise, given the fact that she had always wanted to name one of her daughters Bethann after her own mother. She had never told the Johnsons of her desires prior to Donna’s birth. Instead, she’d let them have full control over naming her other two children.
When Ernest finally showed up at the hospital to see his new baby, he smelled of a woman’s perfume and looked like he’d been partying for days. He leaned in to give Carolyn an obligatory kiss, and she turned her face away. It was all she could do to keep from making a scene in front of Ernest’s parents and to hide the hot tears that were threatening to spring from her eyes.
Carolyn tried to hold on to the anger and bitterness she felt when Ernest finally came to her bedside, but after witnessing Ernest hold his youngest daughter with such care and sensitivity, and after watching him seemingly fall in love with yet another baby, Carolyn was once again overwhelmed by that old gushy, head-over-heels feeling for Ernest. It was like when they were in Idlewild, falling in love all over again. Carolyn told herself that night in the hospital that for her children and for the sake of her family, she would do anything it took to make them all happy. It was a promise she would endure suffering to keep.
Things were great for a while after Donna’s birth. Carolyn felt like she’d finally gotten her husband back. In the beginning, Ernest was a doting father and a caring husband. He showered Carolyn with gift after expensive gift. He told her the gifts were to thank her for giving him his greatest gifts of all—his children. He spent hours holding baby Donna, talking and singing to her. He doted on Junior and Desiree too. So much so that Carolyn grew a little jealous of how much attention Ernest showered on the kids, especially the baby. But once again, Carolyn put her feelings aside and tried to make the best of the situation.
Carolyn saw herself as a mother and a wife. There was no more individual Carolyn. The things she wanted, needed, and liked came secondary in her life. Carolyn spent every waking minute pleasing her children and her husband. She lost herself in meeting the needs of Ernest, Junior, Desiree, and Donna. With the help of the hired hands, of course. At some point, Carolyn grew to resent her life. Each day she would struggle to put on a happy face.
Carolyn felt a sense of security knowing that her children would never want for anything, which was the opposite of her own experience as a child. Just like Junior and Desiree, Donna was a trust-fund baby from birth. She was worth more than some celebrities five times her age before she even turned a year old. Carolyn and Ernest gave her anything she asked for . . . materially anyway. And Papa Johnson, which was what Ernest’s father asked to be called, made sure his granddaughter would never have to lift a finger in her life. Just like her siblings, Donna went to private school. She was given dance lessons from the age of two. She had private tennis lessons as soon as she turned five.
Donna was given an allowance of one thousand dollars per week from the time she was thirteen years old. And every year she had a huge, extravagant birthday party, with a guest list of A-list celebrity children. For her Sweet Sixteen, Carolyn flew in dresses from Paris, Milan, and London and threw a party on a yacht that cost more than some celebrity weddings. And once a year Carolyn and Ernest would take Donna and her siblings on vacation to parts of the world their youngest couldn’t even pronounce. But as she got older, Donna realized that nothing her parents gave her could replace spending time with them every day or at least having an occasional sit-down dinner with them, like she’d
