him now.
She taped the box and gave herself a lecture about trusting. Because she knew that she could trust God. She knew that He wouldn’t let her down. He wouldn’t go away. He wouldn’t change His mind. Whatever happened with Duke, with Lilly, she knew they would get through this.
“I’m going to bring a casserole to the new place this evening so you don’t have to worry about cooking.” Breezy reached for an empty box.
“Thank you.”
Breezy set the box down on the table and reached for a stack of books. “Why did you come here after so many years? I guess we all wondered what changed.”
Fair questions. Duke had also asked, pushing to know more about her sudden appearance after so many years. He had wanted to know about the years in between, when she hadn’t thought it was a good idea to tell him about Lilly.
Life changes and so do people, she had told him the previous day. But she hadn’t told him that sometimes things happen and a mother realizes her little girl might someday need a safety net, another parent if one has to go away.
Her heart ached at the thought of ever having to leave her little girl alone. She wanted to be in her daughter’s life for decades, not years. She wanted to watch Lilly grow up. See her get married, have children and grow older.
“Oregon, are you okay?”
She nodded, somehow looking at her friend with eyes free of tears. “Of course. I’m just emotional. I love this silly apartment.”
Breezy shot her a look and shook her head. “I do not believe you are that attached to this place. And when you change your mind about talking, I’m here.”
“I know you are.” She managed to keep her hands from trembling. “What are people in town going to say? How will they treat her now that they know?”
Breezy put down the cup she’d been about to wrap and hugged Oregon tight. And Oregon didn’t back away. She closed her eyes to fend off tears but held on to her friend.
“People love you, and they love your daughter. That isn’t going to change.”
“But life is going to change.”
“Yeah, that’s something we can’t avoid.” Breezy released her. Oregon listened to the brush of crutches on the sidewalk. Lilly was home.
Oregon hurried to open the door for her daughter, and Lilly gave her an “I can do it myself” look.
“Are you done working for the day?” Oregon asked as Lilly looked around the room at boxes nearly packed and empty walls and shelves.
Her daughter nodded. “I’m finished.”
“Did you have fun?” Oregon winced at the question. Lilly shot her a look of disbelief.
“Of course I had fun. Just... I’m not sure what to call Duke. He used to be my friend. Now he’s my dad.”
Oregon didn’t know how to respond, to the question or to the not-so-well-disguised anger. “Call him whatever feels right.”
“Yeah, okay. Anyway, he said to tell you to come over and eat lunch.”
“Thanks, honey.”
Lilly shrugged and looked at the boxes, her back to Oregon and Breezy.
Oregon hadn’t known what to expect when Lilly learned the truth about Duke. In her mind she’d played through several scenarios. In one, Lilly had been thrilled, loving both of them, accepting that they would both love her, even if they couldn’t be a family. In another, Lilly had rejected Duke and in the third, she had rejected Oregon.
They paled in comparison to the truth. The truth was a child who watched both parents, wary and unsure of the future. Reality was a flash of pain in blue eyes, accusing and angry.
Oregon had done this to her daughter. With her choices, first not to tell Duke and then to wait until now, when it felt too late.
Breezy slid a knowing gaze from Lilly to Oregon and offered a sympathetic look. “I should go. The twins are due for a nap, and Jake said something about cattle he has to work. Marty is off today.”
The door closed softly behind her, followed by retreating steps. Oregon watched Lilly as she eased around boxes, her eyes focusing on trinkets that had been wrapped and packed to go.
“I’m sorry. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again until you believe me. Or forgive me.”
Lilly didn’t look at her, but there was a shudder to her indrawn breath that hinted at tears. “I know. You were young and afraid. Duke was no good. He wasn’t responsible. He forgot you, and then he left.”
Lilly’s voice trembled as she repeated every word Oregon had said, tossing the words back at her, letting her hear the flimsiness of the explanations. She ached inside. She wanted to reach for her daughter but knew that Lilly would reject the comfort, and she didn’t think she could handle the rejection right now.
“I made a lot of mistakes.”
“Yeah, I know,” Lilly said.
Oregon chilled on the inside. “No, you don’t know. You weren’t a mistake.”
“No?”
“No, you weren’t.”
Lilly shrugged, and her eyes narrowed a bit. “But the Bible says...”
And there it was. How to tell a child she wasn’t a mistake when the Bible clearly said it was. She’d given herself to a man who wasn’t her husband. She’d had a child out of wedlock. The lesson had been taught at church, and Oregon had reinforced it at home. A young woman should cherish her purity.
“You weren’t a mistake. I was young and unhappy, and I made a mistake. But I have never regretted having you. You kept me sane. You kept me focused. I’m not sure where I would be without you, Lilly. I think I’d be lost. Physically and spiritually, probably emotionally. So you were not a mistake. I’m not sure how to connect something I did that I shouldn’t have and the gift you have been, but God is merciful, and somehow He knew that through my mistake something beautiful would happen.”
Lilly edged around her to the door. “We should go.”
Oregon closed her eyes, fighting tears that stung and the tight ache in her throat. “I love you.”
“Mom, I know you love me. And I love you. But I’m still mad.”
Oregon sobbed, the tears rolling down her cheeks. She closed the distance between herself and Lilly, wrapping the girl in the embrace they both needed. Lilly tried to break away, but Oregon held her tight.
“Please, forgive me.”
“I forgive you, Mom.”
But the tense set of young shoulders told Oregon more than words. She was forgiven, but the anger wasn’t going away. Not today.
* * *
