only that she never found it.
She certainly would not find it here with Ethan.
This was a man who had bought her for his pleasure and she knew she should not forget that. He had been bored, wanting a mistress to pass the time. She was the woman chosen. And though he had shown her patience and gentleness, there was no more to it than that, and she would be mistaken to read something into their relationship that was not, and never would be there.
She rolled over, drawing the sheet about her to ward off the sudden chill of the room. She felt acutely vulnerable, needing to rediscover the old Lottie with her sharp edges and sheen of protective sophistication. She would become the perfect courtesan now, cool and detached. She could do that. It was her future.
When Ethan came back it was with a tray loaded with food to satisfy even the lustiest appetite, and after they had eaten he read the newspaper and Lottie wrapped herself in a sheet and sat in the window seat watching the passersby on George Street on their way to the balls and the theaters. She felt oddly distant and detached from that world of the Ton, the world she had lost. In an effort to ward off her piercing loneliness she turned to Ethan again, this time setting out quite blatantly to seduce him, and they made love with a fierce intensity. But although it was deliciously pleasurable, in the aftermath Lottie felt even more lost than before.
CHAPTER FIVE
ETHAN WOKE FIRST. He lay listening to the sounds of London stirring, the street vendors setting up, the rumble of the milkmaids’ carts, voices, the clop of hooves, the sweep of the brushes of the crossing boys. He had always liked London. He liked its anonymity and its bustle, its entertainments and its pleasures. Paris was a beautiful city, grand and self-important, but London had always held a special place in his heart, which was odd since he did not much care for England and the English.
He shifted slightly, careful not to wake Lottie, who was curled up beside him in a soft, trusting bundle. He watched her for a little while and found it surprisingly pleasant. She slept easily, lightly, with a little smile on her lips as though in sleep she could set aside the unhappy memories that shadowed her waking moments.
Ethan had never spent an entire night with a woman before. He had been very careful not to do so, for such behavior implied some sort of commitment he was not inclined to give. With Lottie he had no choice, although he supposed he could have taken another room. The hotel was not full. But such an idea had not occurred to him and now he wondered why not.
He had slept fitfully. Lottie had fallen asleep after they had made love a second time, snuggling confidingly into his arms, her hair spread across his bare chest like a swathe of silk. Ethan had lain awake and listened to her breathing and felt her warmth, and he had been disoriented and confused, as though he had come home to a place of peace and fulfillment that he had not even realized he had been seeking.
Nothing, he thought, had gone according to plan the previous night. He had wanted the notorious Lottie Palliser, the most scandalous divorcée in London, not a surprisingly vulnerable and appealing woman whom he had had to woo into bed. And yet making love to Lottie had been as profound as it was sweet. It had felt intimate and seductive in a different and far more dangerous sense than the simply sexual. For a few brief hours it had drawn them so close he had almost thought he cared for her.
He had made love to plenty of women in his time and had almost always enjoyed the experience with an uncomplicated and unquestioning pleasure. He had never particularly wanted to prolong the time he spent in their company out of bed. He had never experienced an ounce of genuine feeling for any of them beyond admiration of their amatory skill or appreciation for their sophistication. So it made absolutely no sense that having made love to Lottie Palliser he had felt a peculiar, unfamiliar and completely unwelcome mixture of emotions. The experience had seemed to be weighted with far too much significance. He had felt disturbingly as though he had bedded a bride rather than a new mistress. What had started on his part as no more than a lesson in skilled seduction had ended as something far more profound.
It had been an illusion.
He shifted again and Lottie made a soft sound of protest and reached for him, cuddling closer to his side, instinctively seeking his warmth and the comfort of his body. Ethan felt a powerful urge to pull away from her—he felt almost afraid, for pity’s sake, as though she was asking for something he could not give—but he mastered the feeling, as he had conquered so many emotions in the past, and propped himself on one elbow, stroking her hair gently, enjoying the silken run of it through his fingers. Her skin was very soft, too. He liked the voluptuousness of it when so many women were as brittle as twigs. Lottie was plump and yielding, curved in all the right places. Ethan allowed his hand to drift over her bare shoulder and down to the rounded turn of her elbow. She rolled over, reaching for him, her nipples brushing his bare chest, her breasts pressed against him in their delicious fullness. Ethan felt again the wickedly strong urge to lose himself in her. She was like a drug to him, he thought, as he started to kiss the opulent whiteness of her breast, so sweet, so tempting. At the corner of his mind fluttered a warning; he had never felt so strong an attraction to a woman and he had certainly not expected it with this one. It went against both sense and expectation.
Involvement was dangerous. Emotion was dangerous.
For a moment he hesitated but the fierce clamor of his body could not be resisted. It was only sex, he thought, and it only blazed so strongly because he had denied himself for so long. He had bought her. She was his, and his alone, to take. His blood burned hotter at the thought.
Lottie opened dazed, sleep-filled eyes and smiled at him and his heart gave an odd, errant thump. She shifted accommodatingly, and he rolled lazily on top of her, making love to her in slow, dreamy strokes that heightened his pleasure beyond anything he had ever imagined. He felt as though he was giving up something of himself to her and he tried to resist, tried to hold back, but the gentle demand of her body and the greedy need of his own senses drove him on to abandon all barriers and claim her over and over as his. He was shaking when they fell apart, shocked and drained by the intensity of the experience, their bodies slick and wet with sweat, the room hot and the sun high in the sky.
“How lovely,” Lottie murmured, eyes closed, as she pressed her lips to the point of his shoulder. Her eyelashes were spiky dark against the curve of her cheek and there was a little smile on her lips that was self-satisfied and very knowing.
“I am so pleased you have rediscovered your enthusiasm for it,” Ethan pushed down the rumpled sheet and ran his hand over the bare swell of her hip, wondering how he could still want her when he had satiated his need over and over. He felt as though he was grasping after something he only half understood, finding it but losing it again, a never-ending quest. For so long he had been entirely self-sufficient through choice and necessity. With Lottie he felt as though he was surrendering something of himself and he fought against it even as wanted her; he wanted to know her, explore her, learn her over and over, deeper and deeper.
It had to stop. He was bewitched.
Ethan sat up, running an impatient hand over his hair. Physical love, he thought, should be simple. Strangely, it was proving to be damnably dangerous. He was behaving like a lovesick boy when in fact he was no more than a man enchanted by the novelty of a new mistress. He was about to pull the sheet up and turn his back on Lottie’s nakedness, demonstrating the lack of power she had over him, when he realized that she was trying to cover herself and turn away from him. Contrarily that annoyed him. He yanked down the sheet and pushed her back onto the mattress so that she was lying there completely naked and exposed to his gaze.
“Don’t cover yourself,” he snapped. “I like you to be naked for me.”
She
